August 22, 2008

NHL Uniform Rankings, part I

Since it's the middle of August and we need a new excuse to talk about hockey, The Triple Deke has decided to order the unis of all 30 teams from worst to the best. Why? Because these are the shitty ideas (Brent: Tyler says shitty, I say totally awesome) that form when it's 5:00 AM and you've been playing NHL 94 for the past 12 hours. I (Tyler) will be commenting first on the team at hand, which will then be followed by the musings of Brent who will also supply a 1 to 10 rating system for each uniform. We'll be covering the home ones only.

Before we begin, here's the criteria that was used to rank the teams:
  • Color coordination. As a heterosexual male it's hard for me to say things like "color coordination" without feeling a tad bit ashamed of myself. But it counts. Some colors just look stupid together, or just plain stupid enough on their own. (Brent: No teal)
  • Logo. Kind of a big deal. Some teams know what they're doing....others have yet to realize that doing acid while watching Power Rangers to find artistic inspiration is a terrible idea (I can only assume that that's the scenario that led to the creation of this. You kinda have to agree with me here.)
  • Simplicity. Out of all the criteria outlined, this one includes the greatest amount of personal preference. We can pretty much all agree that certain jerseys are just plain hideous, but keeping it simple is key to both authors of the Deke. When you put too much bullshit on a jersey, you end up with sweater vomit.
  • Bonus points for a well-done shoulder patch/alternate logo. (Brent: Or minus points in the case of Edmonton's 4th jersey for the 06-07 season)
**********

#30 ~ NASHVILLE PREDATORS

Tyler: We've barely begun with this epic journey and I've already ripped on them once. But they make it so easy. The scrappy Preds have only been around for a decade but they've already pumped out some of the most visually unappealing shit that I've seen in professional sports. First, gray + blue + yellow = no. Secondly, the logo: It ruins everything. Very "in your face", almost a desperate attempt to suggest "LOOK AT OUR JERSEYS!" It looks like something that the nerdy quiet kid would draw on his trapper keeper in 3rd grade, which is a telling sign that you shouldn't print it on sweaters and try to sell it to the public. The Toronto Raptors had the whole "extinct mascots" thing covered in the 90's until Nashville was awarded a hockey team and blew them right out of the water; now they're undisputed king of that category.

Brent: Not only do they have a bad jersey, but they're in the same division as the Wings. So we get to see the damn things more often than the surgeon general recommends. In fact, in the surgeon general's last press release he said it was much more safe to pick up smoking than it is to have season tickets in Nashville. I mean come on Nashville, it's already hard enough for anyone to take a hockey team from Nashville serious without showing them the picture of a saber cat fossil as your logo. While Tyler ranks them dead last in his rankings... I personally can't call them the worst. The color scheme and the design are fine and with a new logo I probably wouldn't be so harsh.

**My rating, 4 out of 10 extinct animals.



#29 ~ COLORADO AVALANCHE

Tyler: Not just because of the rivalry. Maroonish and blue: not the best of combinations there. The blue running up the armpits coupled with the blue covering the shoulders is unflattering to say the least. The logo is below average; I would prefer if they wore those old school-looking ones from a couple years ago instead to rid themselves of it. Just an all around ugly combo of ugly and more ugly. Plus, Ian Laperiere wears it on a regular basis so I can't possibly have it any higher than second-to-last.

Brent: The Avs are lucky that I'm putting all bias aside and judging only by jersey design. On this playing field they're still in the bottom 10 for me. The logo is fine, but the colors don't gel together well. Actually, they don't work together at all. Not quite to the "I want to wash my eyes out with amonia!"point but close. Plus the little patch they wear on their shoulder with the bare foot is crap. I had to look up why they even had the patch. Turns out the foot represents Colorado's original mascot when they first moved to Denver "Howler" the abominable snowman. Weak sauce....... Make a cool little Rocky Mountain patch or something. Fuck feet, word.

**My rating, 3 out of 10 barefoot idiots lost in the Rockies.



#28 ~ TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING

Tyler: I've long disliked the Bolts for the sole reasoning that I dislike their uniforms. Petty, but true. The logo is hard on the eyes, but with that nickname it's not like they can do a whole lot with it. In addition to that, I am not a fan of black uniforms in most cases, and this black uniform is the worst in the league. It looks like it belongs in the AHL. If the jersey itself isn't bad enough, the fucking pants top it off: A lightening bolt going down the side. Cheesy.

Brent: This is by far the most hideous uni in the NHL currently. The logo looks like crap and there's no need for the number on the front of the jersey. There's a whole back for that. And then we get to the colors. Black with blue and white in the most wretched combination possible. What in the hell are they thinking? Something isn't right if you can precisely draw the jersey with only a black and a blue pen.

**My rating, 1 out of 10 sports teams that Florida shouldn't have.



#27 ~ ANAHEIM DUCKS

Tyler: I hate the entire Ducks organization, which is kind of ironic considering their origins and the name of our blog. But these aren't the cutesy Mighty Ducks of Anaheim. These are the goon-riddled dick Ducks of the 2000's. And when the 90's fad of purple and teal wore off and started to look outdated, their answer was the same as like half of all present day professional sports teams: go black. Black is the replacement for good ideas and innovative thinking, or perhaps just boredom. Throw in some gold and orange trim (orange???) and you have a total shit fest. Oh, and the font on the front of the jersey is rifuckulous. It's a word, trust me.

Brent: Ahhhh the ducks. You'd think that because of this blogs ties to the Mighty Ducks movie series we'd be more attached. In all honesty, they have terrible jerseys. Even the style that the Mighty Ducks broke out for the 3rd period vs. Iceland were ugly as seen here in this lovely team photo. I say they take the origional style Bombay got for that rag tag bunch of kids would look much better. At the very least I might not think bad things every time I hear the city's name. I'm sure Anaheim is a lovely place and all but I will never think nice thoughts as long as they have a hockey team. Black, white, gold, puke.... the four main components of the jersey. They didn't even put a duck on the logo! The whole Disney movie novelty wore off and instead of a face lift they chose a face fuck. Quack! Quack! Mr. Ducksworth....

**My rating, 3 out of 10 movies from Disney I actually like.



#26 ~ CAROLINA HURRICANES

Tyler: This one is a little hard to completely justify. I mainly was, and still am for whatever reason, mad that they aren't the Hartford Whalers anymore. Not like I was a huge Whale fan or anything -- but the move just didn't seem right. So they changed from blue and green to mostly red and black, changed nicknames to something that kills people (I'm not taking a moralistic stand or anything, just pointing out something that I think is odd), and haven't really done anything since to alter it. It's nothing real outlandish, but the weird squares that border around the jersey on the bottom are stupid.

Brent: Oh yes, another decent team that nobody cares about. Despite they're progress the last few seasons (Stanley Cup anyone?) they've managed to leave the rest of the world apathetic. I have no real gripes about their jersey, kind of boring. Not quite as classy as some of the other teams, but no visual vomit this time. The Canes bore me so on to the next team.

**My rating, 5 out of 10 hurricanes in history that actually hit the Carolinas.



#25 ~ PHOENIX COYOTES

Tyler: Some on-the-fly criteria input here as I make this shit up while I go: I didn't love the original Coyote jerseys from the late 90's, but switching from green/black/red/orange/whatever the fuck else they drew at random from a Crayola box to just red was a bad move. It's kind of a weird red, too. I like how simple and classic it looks by design, but they get knocked some points for abandoning the green they used to have. They kind of made like their in-town chums the Diamond backs and said "to hell with it" with their old unis and just went all red. The biggest gripe I have is the logo, which really turns a half-decent jersey into a failure. Again, I don't know how much you can really do with a coyote but I still say they can do better than what they have. I honestly believe that the hockey playing coyote looked better than the current logo.

Brent: A hockey team in Arizona named the Coyotes? I don't think there is anyway you can justify this yet here we are in 2008 and they're still there. No complaints on colors, stupid logo though. I don't really think there's much you can do with a hockey team in Phoenix named the Coyotes. So I can't find the jersey designer at fault.


**My Rating, 4 out of 10 fans at their home games.



#24 ~ SAN JOSE SHARKS

Tyler: Once again I'm trying not to let my bad feelings for the team itself interfere with my uni judgment, but the Sharks still managed to slip to #24. I don't hate the jersey; I actually like the elbow stripes and the stripe across the bottom, and I like the addition of gold trim. So I give them credit for moving away from that metallic, silver + black look to go with the teal....but it's still a teal jersey. Teal is pretty gross.

Brent: Right off the bat they have three things going against them.
1. They're stuck in the 90's fad of teal green as a main jersey color. 2. They're sharks on ice.... nuf' said. 3. San Jose has a hockey team in the first place. I can't like any team with shit green for their main colors. The logo is clever enough, I like to think a hockey player got too close to the "thin ice" sign and fell in promptly followed by a shark attack. There should be a few red streaks to complete the details but that's just me. I bet a total re-think of the jersey using maybe a Dallas green would make things much better.

**My rating, 3 out of 10 hockey players involved in shark attacks


#23 ~ BUFFALO SABRES

Tyler: I have no idea what's going on here. Kind of a weird buffalo logo, some gray squiggly shoulder stripes, and yellow sleeves that resemble the color of piss when you're dehydrated. I like the effort to move back to the blue and yellow look (ANYTHING would be better than the black/gray/red they used to wear), but it's still a little awkward.

Brent: Tyler isn't a huge fan of the look. I on the other hand think this is one of the few modern era jersey designs I like. The trim looks nice, and the logo fits well with the style. It must be a Buffalo, NY thing to put a buffalo on everything. Extra points for the cool patch on the shoulder of a B with a sword going through it. Plus I'm a sucker for dark blue.

**My rating, 6 out of 10 buffalo I killed while playing Oregon Trail
.


#22 ~ NEW JERSEY DEVILS

Tyler: There's a difference between looking classic in simplicity and looking dreadfully boring. The Devils don't wow you with anything outrageous (had the Devils moved to New Jersey in 90's -- when jerseys were at their low point -- they'd undoubtedly have a jersey depicting Lucifer blowing fire while spearing a calf with a trident or something). But still....it just looks so cliche. The nickname, like with other teams, ties you into a certain color scheme and with New Jersey, it looks more comical than fitting to me. I think they'd be better off changing their name to the Landfills and wearing brown and a darker brown.

Brent: I can't say a whole lot about New Jersey. I used to hate their jerseys in the Christmas color era but now they're pretty much generic. They have the perfect logo on front for their team name and there's not really any other colors to pick other than red for the devils (Ahem, take note Duke). I've never been a big fan of black on red but what can I do... It's New Jersey for Christs sake. Speaking of which why doesn't everybody just make things easier and cut NJ in half.... the north can be New New York, and the southern half can be the same old Jersey we all know and don't care about.

**My rating, 5 out of 10 things I care about involving the whole state of New Jersey.



#21 ~ CALGARY FLAMES

Tyler: I think they could do a lot better. I like the flaming "C", I mean, that's pretty badass. But there's too much going on with the stripes and random lines and such. There's potential here if they would minimalize things, but it's hard to make yellow and red go together. Okay now I'm starting to sound pretty gay.

Brent: Props to teams in Canada, gotta love any team with actual fans.... I consider the flames as Detroit's main Canadian rival. It would be Toronto execpt the NHL knows how to make illogical schedules. How can two teams with such history play each other once or twice a decade? Back to the jersey. Whenever I watch the Flames play I have to wonder just who exactly is the Calgary captain? They all have C's on their jerseys and it's all so confusing. All douchebagary aside they have ok uni's. The C goes well on the jersey and I would be pissed if a team named the flames was any color other than red or orange. I don't like the home's but the away uni is acceptable. I usually give props on the shoulder patches but the stupid flaming bird/dragon sucks, just leave the flags.

**My rating, 5 out of 10 people south of Ohio that can name what province Calgary is in.



#20 ~ COLUMBUS BLUE JACKETS

Tyler: Not a bad jersey....it's probably going to be boring talking about these 'tweener jerseys that don't suck but aren't great. Uhhh, the logo is alright, I guess. I like the stripes that go down the shoulders and you aren't bombarded with a whole bunch of nonsense. For the record though I should point out that I absolutely loathed being subjected to the BJ's blue jerseys when they first started. Don't know if that's at all relevant, but then again I'm writing a jersey ranking blog instead of going to sleep so I've lost any sense of relevance I once had.

Brent: After research I found out what the hell a blue jacket was and after the fact, I still think it was a poor choice for a hockey team. Poor colors (I hate the same old same old red, white, and blue unless it's done well). Poor design (It looks like management pooled their children's drawings together and decided blue on top white on bottom was a safe bet). And also a poor logo. A swooping Ohio flag?..... Really? Good thing nobody in Ohio cares about anything other than the Buckeyes.

My Rating, 3 out of 10 more reasons why I hate Ohio.


#19 ~ FLORIDA PANTHERS

Tyler: (Florida's ownership discussing possible team nicknames, 1992) --

"We need a scary mascot."
"Panther?"
"DONE."

Brent: Can somebody tell me why exactly Miami has a hockey team? Even when the NHL was all expansion happy who really thought Florida was a prime candidate for a team? "Mr. Bettman! Mr. Bettman! I have a brilliant idea! Lets place another team where there's no snow!" Of course Bettman's dumb ass thought it was nothing short of brilliant and "made it so" if you will. If it's not already embarrassing enough if you call yourself a Panthers fan, you also have to deal with the ugly ass jerseys. No real comment other than I feel bad for any player who ends up there. 10 bucks says your first words when finding out your headed to play for the Panthers is "Oh fuck, I was afraid of this."

**My rating, 3 out of 10 people who remember that Florida actually reached the Stanley Cup finals once.



#18 ~ LOS ANGELES KINGS

Tyler: The crown is a dope logo, I can't lie. And, I've already gone on record as being not-so-cool with the black jerseys, but with the Kings I think it's alright. I don't know how to justify that one. And, on top of that, they're like the only team in any sport where I think they pull off the purple except for the Lakers. I'm probably in the minority thinking that, but to me, it beats the Los Angeles Raiders rip off from the late 80's. I'm totally making this up, but I bet that Gretzky demanded they change from their old yellow and purple to black and silver before The Trade was completely finalized. Come on, you know that priss didn't want to wear yellow and purple.

Brent: I used to like the kings jerseys. Gray and black looks sleek with the right logo. But the purple and black look they lifted from the Sacramento Kings is tacky. In case you forgot which city they are from there's giant white letters spelling Los Angeles on the lower front. I can only imagine this is useful for Kings fans that fall asleep and wake up thinking they wound up in Canada or something. "**Honk** Huh, What the hell!? Where am I! Why is there ice here? Oh thank god they have Los Angeles on the jerseys. I was worried for a moment there." All in all they still look better than most of the previous teams mentioned so I will score them as such.

**My rating, 5 out of 10 former L.A. players Kings fans can list other than Gretzky.


#17 ~ ATLANTA THRASHERS

Tyler: I don't really know what the fuck a "thrasher" is. But I'll be damned, an expansion team actually made a halfway decent jersey. I'm weary of the asymmetrical-ness and the bold "ATLANTA" streaming down one arm, but the blue-on-light blue is nice, and the yellow is a nice compliment. These are waaaay better than some of the other monstrosities that they've come up with. And somebody tell me what a fucking thrasher is because I don't feel like looking it up.

Brent: For being in a non hockey city that I love to make fun of they sure have great uniforms. I'm not even kidding either. I'm a huge fan of light blue on dark and the Atlanta spelled down the left sleeve is classy. I still don't know what the hell a Thrasher is besides someone who does tricks on a skateboard but apparently it's a tornado shaped bird holding a hockey stick. I like Atlanta's attempts and I hope they become a good hockey team with a worthy fan base so I can eat all the words I used making fun of them.

**My rating, 7 out of 10 youth hockey players in Georgia.


#16 ~ PITTSBURGH PENGUINS

Tyler: Growing up I always really liked the Penguin jerseys. Even though I had my fair share of Wings jerseys, I always sort of thought about asking for like a Lemieux jersey for Christmas or something. I had a friend named Cameron in elementary school who had a white #66 sweater and I'm pretty sure he got laid at the age of like 9 because of it. Dude got all the girls, it was insane. So the Penguins had that going for them, I guess. Then they went the St. Louis Rams route and traded in yellow for gold and fucked everything up. Ugghh. Their current threads aren't bad, and I like the logo, but that's all I can really say about them. I miss the days of Penguin jerseys' past when Ulf Samuelsson ruled the world.

Brent: Here's another team jersey I don't want to tear my eyeballs out
after watching. They have a mascot that fits a hockey team and it translates well in the logo they've chosen. The colors are perfect... "we're the penguins, so why not make our colors the same as a penguin?" I can buy that logic. There's no shitty trim to clog up the rest of the jersey and they have no silly shoulder patch. All in all a classy design.


**My rating, 7 out of 10 Penguins fans that will say I only gave them a 7 and not a 10 because I'm from Michigan.



(Part Deux to come later...)

9 comments:

George said...

The Brown Thrasher is the state bird of Georgia.

"Thrasherville" is one of the original names used for the area that is now Atlanta.

Brent said...

awesome, thanks for the info.

Ralph said...

What George said about the thrashers.

And the "cheesy squares" on Carolina's jersey's are commonly used on beaches to signal a storm warning or dangerous water coditions. Also, don't rip Carolina because their name is the name of something that kills people. Last I checked, avalanches, lightning, sharks and motorcycles (included in your beloved Redwings logo)kill people too. Actually, the point ofa mascot is to be intimidationg and fire up the fans.

PS. Im a thrashers fan and hate carolina with all my guts, but thier unis are good lookin

Tyler said...

"motorcycles (included in your beloved Red Wings logo) kill people."

I can't even begin to describe how stupid this is.

****

After re-reading it, I'm still missing the part where we "rip" them. Yeah, they're 5th to last, okay. It happens. Aside from the awesome warning squares you get a "nothing real outlandish" from me and practically a yawn out of Brent. Good point about the Avs/Lightning/Sharks thing though, I'll give you that.

Rusty said...

The Wild have to have the ugliest logo in sporting history, and that includes the weird Gorton's fisherman the Isles experimented with.

John said...

Brent, if you knew your hockey you would know that Florida was awarded an NHL franchise three full months before Gary Bettman became commissioner. But you can continue to blame him for all the world's problems.

Brent said...

Well apparently I don't know a hockey rink from a dogs ass, please forgive me Mr. John.

Officer Obie said...

John it's true. Bettman is to blame for many of the worlds problems. If it wasn't for Bettman, Michael Jackson would still be alive.

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