February 23, 2009

Meet Clarence

I was doing my usual perusing of the hockeysphere this morning when something caught my eye. Mr. James Mirtle of the highly respected From the Rink is going down to see our buddies in Nashville this weekend. He will see them play the Red Wings.

I am worried, friends. I know that reader Chris from Tennessee is one of only seven knowledgeable beings in that entire hockey-watching region. It's proven fact, I've asked around. And I'm worried that Mr. Mirtle is going to see this first hand and expose the hopeless group of fans for the ass crack-licking degenerates that they are. You know the kind of sleeze he likes to write; three hours at SoGay and that city will be toast.

So who is Clarence? Clarence is my made-up cousin from the Nashville area who recently was introduced to hockey. While he isn't too bright, he's made-up family so you will treat him with respect while he has the floor. Why is he here, you ask. Well I've been thinking about how I need to give back to my community. I need to spread the word on the sport I love. By giving Clarence a chance to speak to the people of his demographic, I think it will do the entire state of Tennesse some good.

Here he is.


Hello all.
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Introduction. My name is Clarence and I recently started watching hockey, the sport on ice where you try to score points and punch your opponent in the face at the same time. I first fell in love with the sport when me and my girlfriend got free tickets to a game last year on "free abortion night" against the Chicago Indians. I am now a devoted Nashville Predators fan and watch every second of every quarter of every game from my sofa, which also doubles as a toilet. When cousin Tyler encouraged me to spread the word on Preds hockey today, I thought it was the best news since my sister told me her vagina works the same as girls that aren't related to me. Let us start with a few general rules of the game.

Gameplay: Hockey is a quick and violent sport, made all the more complicated because you are freezing while playing it. The ice that you play on is typically colder than football and baseball fields, and if you are too large, there is a chance that you could fall through the ice and catch a cold. Worse yet, you could fall through and get eaten by a shark. You don't want this to happen because they don't let you back in the game if you are dead.

Tools: Before each game you are given a long stick and shoes with sharp things on the bottom. You use these to move around the ice and try to slap the black circle thing at your opponent. If you slap the black circle at your opponent and miss and it goes into what northern folk call a "net" (more common to you and I as either a large turkey-frying device or a dead baby catcher), a blaring red beacon will sound and order you to do a tribal dance of your choosing in one of the four corners of the rink.
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Fan Behavior.

Ethics: At Predators games, it is expected that everyone who enters the arena leaves all of their dignity at the door. Anything that comes to mind -- regardless of how wrong it may sound -- you must say it loud and with repetition. For example. When the Preds host the Red Wings of Detroit, you may feel the urge to say how much they "suck". Now, generally this term is used toward people or organizations who are below average or terrible at what they do, but for reasons only known to our Predator fan ancestors, we must tell them how much sucking they do. The Red Wings have made the postseason every year since the late 1800's, shortly before the arrival of Christopher Columbus, but despite this, they suck because they are elitist arogant fuckheads. We hate them because they think we are stupid and have sex with our own family members, the latter of which simply doesn't happen nearly as often as one may think.
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Coach.

1 ~ We have one head coach that tells the players what to do. Last year, Brent made a very unflattering characature of what Mr. Barry looks like on this website. Actually, it's pretty remarkable and accurate. Our coach looks exaclty like an egg. In fact, he is an egg. A robotic one that the league created and programmed to run our team when we were first created because nobody wanted to coach hockey in Tennessee. It's strange because even as a non-human, he is still better than 2/3rds of all the coaches in the league. I'd sure like to crack him open and fry up his innards though.
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Players.

1 ~ Like other fans, we have "favorites". Our favorite Predator is Jordin Tootoo. Because Tootoo is a silly name and makes you think of choo-choo trains, we make whistle noises when he is on the ice. Because real whistles are now banned at the arena, we fans now turn our backs to our neighbor, pull down our pants and allow that person to make a loud, ear-piercing whistle by blowing into our assholes, causing us to uncontrollably scream in a high pitched manor. Directions on how to do this are printed on the back of every seat.

2 ~ Chris Chelios: Back in his heyday four or five decades ago, Chelios was a relevant hockey player who everybody hated because he was a dick. Nowaday's he is only good for cleaning the ice with his urine. But because we are at least 40 years behind the rest of civilization, we treat him like shit when we play the Red Wings even though he might be the least important person on the face of the Earth.
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Rules.

1 ~ Rules aren't important to you and I. The striped policemen will determine what rules are. If you do something wrong, you are sent to jail.
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Conclusion.

This is the end. I hope my little hand guide to Nashville people has been helpful and will generate some interest in this ice sport. If there are any questions I will be happy to answer them (but only if I haven't accidentally infected Tyler's computer with beastality porn). Chelios sucks.

7 comments:

CHRIS TORANGO said...

OH MY FUCKING GOD, THIS WAS HILARIOUS (AND TRUE AT THE SAME TIME). UNFORTUNATELY, I'M ACTUALLY ONLY ONE OF 4 KNOWLEDGABLE HOCKEY FANS DOWN HERE (ME, MY DAD, MY BROTHER, AND MY MOM). I KNOW THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE SATIRICAL, BUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW PRECISE YOU GUYS ACTUALLY ARE. I HOPE THE CHIEF READS THIS, HE'LL DIE LAUGHING LIKE I DID. CLARENCE KICKS ASS!!

Anonymous said...

Mr. Torango,

If you're so "KNOWLEDGABLE", why can't you find the CAPS LOCK key? Poor thing. It must hurt to think that no one will read your hateful spewing without it being in big, bold letters.

I happen to live in Nashville. Relocated for work. I'm originally from Toronto. (Born and raised there, mind you.) I don't find it to be anything like you described at all. It's different. It's certainly not full of people like this jolly Clarence. (Though, I must admit that he would be a riot to sit next to at any arena.)

In fact, I find it laughable that someone claiming to be so elite spent so much time writing a piece this ignorant. You do nothing to to shine a light on your greatness- only your foolishness. It's a pity when people have to play to stereotypes just to make up for their lack of self-worth, self-confidence and just general intelligence.

Maybe if you used more time studying anything, you'd come across more like an adult... and less like a 13 year old with access to Google.

Godspeed.

The Triple Deke said...

A simple point of clarification here, not just to Anonymous' comment but also to other responses we've read elsewhere:


This post was a joke.

We don't think all Nashville fans have sex with their siblings. Or that they don't know the rules. That was a joke.

We don't think that all Nashville fans are stupid. On The Forecheck is a great, smart Preds blog. That dude knows his shit. Oh, and this post was a joke.

And to anybody that feels empty inside because this didn't meet their standards of "adult" intelligence: This post was a joke. We rarely do shit like this; there is other, less joke-y posts in the archives if that's what you like to read. Relax. It was a joke.

CHRIS TORANGO said...

ANONYMOUS:

I KNOW WHERE THE FUCKING CAPS LOCK BUTTON IS. I PREFER TYPING LIKE THIS. DON'T LIKE IT, DON'T READ MY FUCKING ENTRIES. OBVIOUSLY THIS ENTRY ON T.D.D. IS SATIRE. IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY. LAUGH AT IT. OF COURSE NOT EVERYONE DOWN HERE IS A SLACK-JAWWED YOKEL. TAKE A JOKE, THAT'S HOW WE DO IT IN AMERICA. OH YEAH, GODSPEED, DICK.

Ally6729 said...

Hahaha...this was actually kinda amusing. Although I've lived in Nashville since I was 5 years old and have been a Predators season ticketholder since 1998, and it does suck to have other hockey fans constantly berating us and our city just because it doesn't fit their perception of what a hockey city should be. Or maybe I should say, WHERE a hockey city should be.

It's all good though...as long as you don't mind if other bloggers write satirical entries about...what did you call them?...elitist arrogant fuckheads in Detroit. I can just see all the ghetto crime jokes now...

The Triple Deke said...

Ally, we're glad that you "get it." We tip our hat to you.

Roy said...

@ Anonymous,

Talk about missing the boat. If this was a serious post dedicated to a campaign railing against all Predators fans, it would've read clearly like anti Predator propoganda, not satire. I don't know these guys but judging from their other stuff on this blog they don't seem to be lacking in "general intelligence", as you put it. There is a whole lot more material than the Clarence post that shows insight and knowledge of the game. Keep up the good work guys and don't let self righteous people this that guy get in the way.

- Roy