May 13, 2009

A Giant Waste of Time

WWE Semifinals, Game 6
Ducks 2-1 Red Wings
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1) The 2009 Detroit Red Wings

I don't get you.  You have a chance to eliminate your greatest rival from the Stanley Cup Playoffs and that was the level of passion you played with.  Matt puts it perfectly.


2) The Refs

Whatever.  I hate devoting time to talking about officiating.  When I do it makes me think about things, like, why do I watch this league if certain reoccurring episodes keep taking place every single game.  So I'll just leave it at a vague reference to something that you all know about anyway.


3)  The Ducks

This is what I wrote only six days ago:  "I don't know about you, but I love hating the Ducks.  This is what separates hockey from the rest -- the passionate hate we have for entire franchises.  It exists in other sports, but the way it plays out on ice fuels how it plays out among the fan bases to a larger degree.  The rivalry isn't at all fabricated or over-hyped by the media like it is in other sports.  It's a "good" hate to have."

It's almost definitely because I'm still living in the heat of the moment, but I'm struggling with the "love" part of the hate-fest right now.  How in the ffuuckkkk can you start multiple fights after not one but two wins.  You won the fucking game.  Go CELEBRATE.  Go congratulate and thank your fucking goalie instead of starting shit with guys who aren't trying to fight you.  Corey Perry jumping Brian Rafalski ..... was this a joke?  Not only does Perry look like the guy in your high school graduating class that was held back three times and arrested for trying to blow up the principal's car, he's also the number one candidate from said class that would beat up a retard.  Not that Raf is retarded, far from it -- but that's the level of mismatch we're talking about  And enhance that mismatch 10 fold when you know the retar.... I mean Raf wasn't engaging in fight because he's BRIAN FUCKING RAFALSKI.  Why stop there, Corey?  Why not drag Hudler onto the ice and stab him with your skate blade?  What a vile human being this guy is.

And Getzlaf.  What a douche bag.  Throwing punches at another non-fighter in Hossa, then jumping him when he was trying to save Rafalski's life.  What is the point of this?  Why is anger and aggression your first reaction after winning a fucking playoff game?  NOBODY IS LOOKING TO FIGHT YOU.  I'm certain that if a toilet was nearby he would've tried to give Filppula a swirly.

But oh, the "captain".  The "captain" and Datsyuk.  Here's what Dad had to say about their skirmish:  “There was a lot going on, I don’t know how it all started. The next thing you know my gloves are off. That doesn’t happen too often. I didn’t even know who it was at first. I took a couple of punches to the face. I guess after a couple, I figured I’d try a couple.”

You lying piece of ball sack.  Datsyuk (you know, that dude you elbowed) was holding you off for a good 30 seconds before you tried to throw down with him, because you didn't want the rest of your team to think you were a pussy for not getting into a post game fight.  And besides, 

Everybody is definitely responsible for what they're doing out there. You make decisions about how you're going to act and carry yourself ... you guys can judge how that individual carried himself."

Remember those words, jiz beard?  I'm judging you now.  And I'm thinking that you are complete trash.


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I take partial responsibility for the loss.  In 2004 -- the last time I watched a road playoff game in my parents' living room -- the Wings lost in OT to the Flames, 1-0, knocking them out of the playoffs.  Through the first 55 minutes of last night's game, I was having deja vu, up late at night and watching a shitty 2nd Round Game Six.  The Wings were about to go almost seven straight periods scoreless with me sitting on the same couch as I was in '04.  Yes this sounds fucking absurd.  But for someone who attributes the most insignificant of things to petty luck, I should've known better.

So I did something that I don't think I've ever done before -- I turned the game off (okay it's not that dramatic ... I was heading back to my girlfriend's place and put the game on the radio).  As soon as I turned on the car though, they fucking scored.  Unbelievable.  I was more incredulous than I was happy.  This, I thought, was the reason why I do things like make a connection between two games five years apart and associate my superstitions to goal droughts.  You see what this team does to us?  I've been reduced to a victim of spousal abuse, blaming myself while at the same time remaining blinded to what is actually going on.

I had a decision to make.  Do I go back inside and watch the end, or do I stay in my car because there is some obvious link to where I am and how the team plays?  I said to hell with it all, I'm staying in the car.  I'm driving away and not letting myself get sucked back in.  If they didn't want to go the extra mile to put away their arch nemesis in an elimination game, I sure wasn't going to put forth the effort to turn off the car and take 10 seconds to walk back to the living room.  So I listened to Ken and Paul as the game ended with one last Hiller save, and devolved from a hockey to the dipshit orgy that ensued afterward.


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Game 7's should be played on their own planet.  The last two that the Wings played were among the five best that I've ever seen them play.  



The two Game Sevens previous to 1996 and 2002 were scars to my childhood memory bank and helped form the fan that I am today.  Whatever that means.





This will be the first of any of these Game 7's that the Wings did not win Game 6 of the series.  They were previously 13-0 in Game 6's when they were up 3 games to 2, dating back to 1996.  I have literally never seen a game like the one played last night.  The Wings always win Game 6's with the other team on the ropes.  They just don't fail.

Now I don't know what to think.  I have never been as unsure about a hockey team as the 2009 Red Wings.  Think about this:  You could argue that the most complete game and the most disappointing game they've played were back-to-back, Games Five and Six.  That's just an unhealthy thing to put yourself through as a fan.

And speaking of disappointments -- if the Wings don't win tomorrow night, it will be the biggest let down, the biggest waste of a talent, and the most gut-wrenching disappointment that we have felt (or may ever feel) while watching this team .... it will be worse than New Jersey in '95, worse than Colorado in '96, way worse than Edmonton in '06.  It's the Anaheim Ducks.  It would be three defeats in six seasons to them.  That's grounds for ownership.  And excessive vomiting.

Most of the entertainment value of watching the damn game will be sucked out of me because that fact will be swimming in the back of my mind.  Either they throw away the chance at a lifetime of recognition and legacy at the hands of our most bitter rival, or they pick up win # 8 out of 16.  The bad outweighs the good by far.

This is going to be a long day.

Go Wings.

7 comments:

JB said...

"Corey Perry jumping Brian Rafalski ..... was this a joke? Not only does Perry look like the guy in your high school graduating class that was held back three times and arrested for trying to blow up the principal's car, he's also the number one candidate from said class that would beat up a retard. Not that Raf is retarded, far from it -- but that's the level of mismatch we're talking about And enhance that mismatch 10 fold when you know the retar.... I mean Raf wasn't engaging in fight because he's BRIAN FUCKING RAFALSKI. Why stop there, Corey? Why not drag Hudler onto the ice and stab him with your skate blade? What a vile human being this guy is."

Simply amazing and perfectly well said. I had said before, I'm not shocked by the Duck's classless behavior. That's like saying you were shocked you got herpes from a prostitute....but last night, wow. A whole other level of shameless behavior. If I were an Anaheim fan, I'd be ashamed.

cmk said...

Isn't being an Anaheim fan shameful enough, JB?

TDeters said...

More good work, Tyler! Excellent post. I hope our guys show up tomorrow night. This team is so frustrating. Their most difficult opponent is themselves.

P.S. At lunch today I saw a picture of Tomas Holmstrom on my milk carton.

Tyler said...

"At lunch today I saw a picture of Tomas Holmstrom on my milk carton."

That's hilarious.

Was it hard picking just one Red Wing to use for that joke?

Nate A said...

P.S. At lunch today I saw a picture of Tomas Holmstrom on my milk carton.Rumor has it he's locked in ole jiz beard's basement chained to the floor. Police have yet to respond.

Triple Deke Staff said...

I'm glad "Jiz Beard" has caught on with at least one person. At first the joke was going to be 10 times more graphic, linking the white speckles of his facial hair to a 'happy outburst' from brother Rob ... well what's the point, even, I've gone and said it already. And that's easily the grossest thing I've ever typed. But fuck it, it stays.

JB said...

"Jiz Beard" would be classic even if you ignored the brother portion. But the fact that Robby was added, makes it even better. As always, very entertaining and slightly inappropriate. Perfect combination. :)