May 29, 2009

Stanley Cup Finals anti-preview


We've already proved that we're not into doing the typically massive, all-knowing preview.  We suck at those.  And yet, the jabronies at Blogger still demand that we pump out at least one post acknowledging the Wings/Pens series before it commences.

What follows are seven arbitrary comparisons that will ultimately ruin any shred of credibility we had to intelligently analyze hockey.  In other words, we're a step away from being this guy.


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RED WINGS vs. PENGUINS




Humiliating Fights






The first video isn't as much of a "fight" as it is a wayward adventure in repressed homosexuality. But at least Crosby didn't have his skull caved in. Kopecky is out for the rest of the playoffs with a fractured orbital bone, which reportedly isn't bothering him, yet nonetheless he has to avoid contact in order to keep his eyesight.  His last game as a Red Wing was cut short due to a beating by a man named Francois.  That's pretty heavy.  And embarrassing.

Advantage: Pittsburgh

*****


Hatred


Who do fans hate more?  The Penguins hold the scorn of many fans because the league promotes the shit out of them, to the point where shit is literally dripping down Mario Lemieux's leg at all times.  The man wreaks of fecal matter. 

The Red Wings, on the other hand, are the fucking Red Wings.  To the lazy and mentally handicapped, they're the "Yankees of the NHL".  It's a preposterous argument that can be countered on a number of levels, but people still claim to hate them for it.  Some may choose to not make the connection, yet hate the Wings anyway because they win all the time, and that's annoying to them, or something.  Others hate Chris Osgood as though he's a pedophiliac rapist doubling as their child's kindergarten teacher.

In the end, judging by what we read, there's no way we believe that the majority of people are pulling for the Wings.  During the Wings/Ducks series -- the purest "good vs. evil" series we have ever seen -- a ton of people were pulling for the Ducks to win.  This made no sense.  Cheering for the Ducks to win is on par with cheering for toddlers to run out into freeway traffic.  And people still wanted this fucking team to win, despite the fact that they employ Chris Pronger, Corey Perry and about 12 other guys that have been convicted of serial dog sodomy.

Advantage (???):  Detroit

*****


Ugliness


There's nothing wrong with dudes pointing out other dudes who look good.  It's gay as hell -- but wrong?  Please.

One time on this blog somebody commented that we should do a list of who has the prettiest hair.  But prettiness doesn't get you anywhere in this league.  It's no coincidence then that some of the ugliest mother fuckers you've ever seen are also phenomenal hockey players.  Ugliness and hockey go together like Ken Hitchcock and cholesterol.  Ryan Smyth, Rod Brind'amour, and  of course Mike Ricci come to mind as some of the most repugnant people to ever walk this Earth, let alone play in the NHL.  



Jesus Christ.  Did Fedotenko stick his head in a bee hive?


Advantage:  Pittsburgh

*****


Humor





Fans are often drawn to things like this, where sports heroes are "humanized" and shown as relatable people.  It's why we like stories about goofy nicknames and team pranksters.  Obviously we worship their every move out on the ice, but it's still cool to see that they breathe the same air as us mere mortals.

The best part of this video is how it isn't contrived.  Datsyuk immediately starts to dance in his chair the second his phone rings.  Bernie's disbelief is genuine and hilarious.  The world is a better place because this video happened.

Pittsburgh's idea of humor is farting in each others' mouths.


Advantage:  Detroit

*****


Adversity


The Red Wings didn't lose back-to-back regulation games until January 17 and 20.  The worst part of their season was either the funk their PK was in (which has been negated by incredible 5-on-5 and 5-on-4 play), or this past week where injuries have crept up and taken out a handful of our best players.  This is a complete joke compared to what the Penguins have gone through.

 As recently as February 3rd, the Pens were only a game over .500.  It was readily apparent that things just weren't meant to be and they'd be golfing by April.  But with the exit of Michel Therrien, a healthy Gonchar and two of the world's best players stuffing the stat sheets, they've been on a torrid streak for nearly four months.  They've won 30 of their last 41 games.  Crosby and Malkin played about as good as humans can play hockey through the Eastern Conference Playoffs.  The Pens dealt with their own injuries, streaky scorers, and French coaches and have responded brilliantly.  So we're handing out the imaginary Deke points to them on this one.

Advantage:  Pittsburgh

*****


Beards



Advantage:  Detroit

*****


Encounters With Hot Women


Originally we were going to end this with a wives/girlfriends battle, but that stuff is surprisingly hard to find.  We kind of just assumed that it would be easy to find pictures of Jiri Hudler getting dry humped in a seedy nightclub.  It's probably for the better that that stuff isn't available though.

So instead, we're left with this:  In Pittsburgh's corner, we have Evgeni Malkin cooking with Igor Larionov's incomprehensibly hot daughter, Alyonka.  This may have been the best thing to happen to the Internet thus far in 2009.  The video is seven minutes of scintillating awkwardness and sexual tension, or as Wyshynski put it, "This is, perhaps, the first and unforgettable marriage between hockey celebrity and food porn. The music, the food, the playful flirting between the two ... you really can't take your eyes off the thing."

It can be said with no less than 60% certainty that, after the video, the two covered themselves in flour and had sex.  And Kris Letang probably filmed it.

But alas, this is Henrik Zetterberg's girlfriend:





Advantage:  Detroit


That puts the asinine Triple Deke score at 4-3 Red Wings.  Roughly translated this means that we have Detroit winning in 7 games.  Johan Franzen will win the Conn Smythe.  And we'll be forced into retirement when Tyler succumbs to the intensity of Game 7 and dies during the second period.

Go Wings.

7 comments:

Nick said...

Beards was my favorite.

mrfluffy said...

Tyler...you'll give your life for a Game 7 victory. Without pants. The world will miss you, but we'll know you died for a good cause.

Igor, your daughter belongs in a convent and away from that pedophile lookalike.

J.J. from Kansas said...

If Sergei Gonchar and Nicolas Cage ever accidentally bumped foreheads, life on Earth would end immediately.

J.J. from Kansas said...

That lineup of Penguins players makes them look like Dick Tracy villains.

Count Suckula.
The Downs Face.
Baron von Pedo-Eyebrow.
Fivehead McKenzie.
and finally, The Man of Many Face.

Osrt said...

Brilliant post. Between you guys and JJ, I actually LOLed several times. Awesome. And thanks.

Peace out bithces. I'm headed to India (home of the dots) and will be there for a month. Let's see what my internet connection speed is there. I'll try to stream the games and what not.

Triple Deke Staff said...

Osrt have fun in India, or whatever you're supposed to say to people who go to India. That would suck not being able to see the games. Who knows, maybe there's a small contingent of Dotsyuk -er- Datsyuk fans where you're going and a game will be on.

cmk said...

I would have to quote this entire post just so I could comment on my favorite phrases. You certainly have a way of making this old lady laugh till coffee comes out of her nose. (By the way, if I EVER find your snail-mail address, I might have to send you a bill for a replacement monitor. ;))