May 3, 2009

That sound you heard was the sucking of the Playoffs

Western Conference Semifinals, Game 2
Ducks 4-3 Red Wings (3OT)


Neither of us saw the game today, thankfully.  Brent was at work and I was lost somewhere in the woods of Pinckney, MI.  I followed along with the help of a friend, via text:

4:17, Me -- "Whats  the score of the hockey game"
4:18, Nick -- "3  2 ducks"
4:20, Nick -- "3  3"
4:20, Me -- "Awesome, third period?"
4:21, Nick -- "Yeah"
4:22, Nick -- "Det pp"
4:49, Nick -- "Ot"
5:03, Me -- "Fuck.  Im lost in the woods so im relying on u lol"
5:04, Nick -- "Lol well it hasn't even started yet"
5:33, Nick -- "2 ot"
5:33, Me -- "Guhhhh"
6:05, Me -- "This is killing me.  At least tell me theyre outplaying them"
6:06, Nick -- "They are, they're out shooting and out hitting them."
6:22, Nick -- "3 0t"
6:23, Me -- "You are shitting my dick off"
6:24, Nick -- "the fuck is wrong with you"
6:40, Nick -- "Ducks win"
6:41, Me -- "Not surprised"

And why was I not surprised?  Well, despite everything that I've ever written, I'm not so retarded that I don't know me some history.  I'm not talking that eye-rolling "I fucking knew it" bullshit, I'm talking some actual figures for once.  An actual reason to feel like we were eventually going to get bent over in one of these stupid Overtimes.

In Overtime Playoff games this decade, the mighty Wings are an anal bleeding 6-16.  And for those like me who get an even worse feeling when a Wings playoff game goes to OT at Joe Louis?  We're an impossibly bad 2-11.  Two and ee-lev-iinnnnn.  (And one of those came on a game winner from Kirk Maltby -- which means there was some sort of malfeasance with the inner-workings of the universe and that this didn't actually happen.)  That's like awful to the extent that it's just not luck anymore.  You'd have to think that when the law of probability has it in your favor -- being that you have the more talented team, and you're playing at home -- and you still lose 9 of 11 games?  There has to be a logical reasoning to this.  Do they hate us?  Do they get hard just thinking about throwing up like 60 shots and losing in front of us?

The Wings are now 0-5 in Overtime games against the Ducks during that same time span (4 of those 5 were at the Joe.)  If any of the remaining games of this series go to OT I'm turning the fucking TV off.  I'm not even joking. I can't do it, I'm not man enough.  Shit, I'm not even woman enough.  (Side note: the Wings and Ducks played a 2nd round Triple Overtime game nearly 12 years ago to the day -- May 4th, 1997, at Joe Louis Arena, and it was on a Sunday afternoon to boot.  That's pretty crazy.)

Perhaps another reason I'm afraid of the Sudden Death Ducks:  They're an astounding 13-3 against the NHL in Overtimes since 2003, best in the League by far.  I am now convinced that the Wings could play from now until 2030 and not reach 13 Overtime wins.  For whatever reason, it just doesn't feel like it's in the cards for them.  The next best OT team of the decade is the Carolina Hurricanes, who come in at 13-6.  The Avalanche are the only team to play more OT games than the Wings -- 26 of them (14-12).  While Wing fans have witnessed two Cup winning teams during this time, we've also witnessed more OT losses than any other team.  You can only take having your balls stomped on so many times.

I don't know what the shit any of this means.  It probably means absolutely nothing.  I'm writing it down though as some kind of proof note card or something, so that I know I'm not completely batshit and that there is precedent for the Wings making us feel like we'd have a better chance of waking up with a 24 inch penis than seeing them win an Overtime playoff game.  And yet, I only feel worse after typing this.


Osrt said...

It's amazing. You would think writing out your nightmares would make them go away, but instead, they've just manifested in front of you and are staring you in cold black and white.

To borrow your brilliant analogue, I feel like someone paper cut my sack.


Osrt said...

a little drunk...pardon my grammar....

no. fuckgrammar

Tyler said...

I can honestly say I've never even imagined a sack paper cut. And you should be drunk after that game, it's the only possible answer to what happened.

Rumbear said...

"And yet, I only feel worse after typing this."

Nice reflections TDT. On the bright side, you found your way out of the woods. Welcome back!