August 30, 2009

Red Wings Season Preview: Johan Franzen

Because nothing screams "cutting edge" quite like The Triple Deke, we'll be passing on the typical season preview for 2009-10. Instead, we will bring you this: a highly scientific forecast of each player's performance, which will be calculated by using an updated copy of a 13 year old video game -- Sega's NHL '97. Each statistical output will be treated as an irrefutable premonition, and anyone who challenges the accuracy of our system will be burned alive in front of their families.

*****

Johan Franzen | #93 | Right Wing


Strengths:

* Combination of soft hands and size makes him extremely tough to check off the puck.
* Excels everywhere on the ice: in front of the net, on the boards, his own zone and in transition .
* Beat the Colorado Avalanche in the 2008 playoffs while playing 1-on-5. Blindfolded.

Weaknesses:

* Is 1/4th caveman.
* Doesn't know how to breathe through his nose.


NHL '97 Season Recap: 67 goals, 10 assists, 77 points

If you think Franzen's a beast in real life, you should see him in 16-bit form. His 8 assists might suggest that his already average playmaking skills are going to devolve, but when the opposition needs a chain saw to get the puck from you, passing is unnecessary. His team record 67 goals seemed just a tad high, but like I said, we won't be questioning this shit. Sega says it's going to happen. Johan Franzen is about to have a watershed goal-scoring season for the Detroit Red Wings.

The high point of his season came in an 11-2 victory over the Blues in St. Louis. After injuring T.J. Oshie in the first period and skating over his face repeatedly, Franzen scored a dumbfounding 6 goals in two periods to lead the Red Wings' attack. He then requested the 3rd period off so that he could take a well deserved nap.

The Mule also benefited from playing on Pavel Datsyuk's wing for the majority of the season, cashing in on about 30 one-timers. Most of the other goals were scored with his newest move: skating as fast as he could into the goalie and hoping the puck would go in. So watch out for that one this year.



5 comments:

J.J. from Kansas said...

I look forward to watching Franzen skate over T.J. Oshie's face this upcoming season.

Osrt said...

I have a freakin tear in my eye, this is so beautiful.

I want my Sega back!

mrfluffy02 said...

No mouthguard will be safe in '09.

patleb940 said...

Hold on, hold on! Did you really updated all the rosters in NHL 97 or just the Red Wings'? Anyway, props to you man for these funny and interesting articles!

Go Wings!

Triple Deke Staff said...

Patleb,

This site...

http://www.nhl94.com/

....has everything you would want in the way of online sega gaming. Be careful though -- if it has a similar effect on you as it did me (an irresistible time-warp back to a childhood that kept me from friends, family and sunlight) then you might be in trouble.

- Tyler