September 8, 2009

Red Wings Season Preview: Andreas Lilja & Derek Meech

Because nothing screams "cutting edge" quite like The Triple Deke, we'll be passing on the typical season preview for 2009-10. Instead, we will bring you this: a highly scientific forecast of each player's performance, which will be calculated by using an updated copy of a 13 year old video game -- Sega's NHL '97. Each statistical output will be treated as an irrefutable premonition, and anyone who challenges the accuracy of our system will be burned alive in front of their families.

*****

Andreas Lilja | #3 | Defenseman
Derek Meech | #14 | Defenseman


Strengths:

* Lilja: Good size, good penalty killer. Sticks up for his teammates and sports a wicked playoff beard.

* Meech: Versatile enough to play either defense or wing if necessary. Once prompted me to use the phrase "pulled his nuts out" to describe his confident, aggressive play.


Weaknesses
:

* Lilja: Doesn't have an offensive game. Fair or not (mostly "not"), I will remember him as one of the biggest goats in Red Wing history. But then again I'm kind of an asshole.

* Meech: Tendency to jump in the play will sometimes leave him out of position. After the "nut-pulling-out" thing in 2008, he hasn't had too many impressive moments.


NHL '97 Season Recap:

* Lilja: 0 goals, 0 assists, 0 points. Meech: 0 goals, 0 assists, 0 points.


-- We now cut to a tornado shelter in Derek Meech's back yard --


  • Lilja: (inaudible mumbling) "mmm! mmmmm!!"
  • Meech: "Quit squirming. You're gonna tip the table over."
  • Lilja: "MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!"
  • Meech: "Alright alright, you big oaf, sit still for a moment. Let me take this off." (removes blindfold, tape from Lilja's mouth.)
  • Lilja: "AAADHAF;DKJ! Why did you ..... where are ..... what is going on? Meech??
  • Meech: "Yes it is I, Andreas. I have brought you here to my lair, chained your woolly body to a large wooden table, and stocked up enough rations for us to survive down here for months. Nobody knows where we are and I have covered my tracks so well that no one will ever find us until the day that we resurface. If that day ever comes, muwahahahahaha..."
  • Lilja: "What in the hell are you talking about? What is all of this?"
  • Meech: "I have taken you captive and locked us both in an old storm shelter. My master plan is foolproof: since I keep hearing nasty rumors about how I am going to be traded, I am determined to find a cure for your relentless headaches and win over the admiration of Ken Holland and Red Wing fans everywhere. It is then that I will be secured a roster spot in Detroit and treated to a lucrative cash reward."
  • Lilja: "So your first step in curing the headaches was to knock me unconscious?"
  • Meech: "Yes. But in my defense, you thwarted my original plan by not following the long trail of candy corn I laid out for you."
  • Lilja: "You are so ignorant. Nothing is going to make these headaches subside except for time and rest. You are wasting your time and mine. And seriously, candy corn? I was more likely to follow a trail of dicks. Nobody eats that shit anymore."
  • Meech: "SILENCE!"
  • (awkward silence)
  • Meech: ".....There is no use in resisting, Andreas. No one can hear your cries for help and those chains are strong enough to restrain a rogue elephant. It is now time for me to operate."
  • Lilja: "What? Operate on what?"
  • (Meech retrieves 9th grade First Aid notebook)
  • Meech: "Now let's see ...... ahhh, here we go. Test #1: I'll need to rotate you 180 degrees so that your head is below your heart, then cut into your forehead and suck out the blood."
  • Lilja: "I really don't want you to do that."
  • Meech: "I know right? This is so exciting. But I seem to have misplaced my knife ..... sit tight, I'm gonna go up to the kitchen real quick.
  • (Meech exits)
  • (Mikael Samuelsson enters)
  • Samuelsson: "OH MY, THIS CANDY CORN IS SCRUMPTIOUS."
  • Lilja: "Sammy?? Oh my god, I don't believe it! What incredible luck. Unchain me man, Derek Meech is trying to cut my head open."
  • Samuelsson: "WHERE AM I."
  • Lilja: "Sam we don't have much time, Meech is going to be back any second and probably kill us both when he sees me trying to escape. Put down the candy and hurry up."
  • Samuelsson: "OK ANDY, BUT I NEED TO KNOW ONE THING FIRST."
  • Lilja: "What?"
  • Samuelsson: "HOW ON EARTH DO YOU TELL THE SEDIN'S APART. THEY LOOK SO SIMILAR IT IS ASTOUNDING."
  • Lilja: "Well, I don't really know them personally Sam but they wear different numbers, so maybe--"
  • Samuelsson: "VANCOUVER IS SUCH A CONFUSING PLACE, ANDY. MY TEAMMATES LOOK THE SAME AND OUR GOALIE IS MEXICAN BUT NOT REALLY AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND OUR LOGO AND MATS SUNDIN AND--"
  • Lilja: "Look man, we can get out your flash cards and I'll explain everything later but you have got to get me out of here immediately,"
  • Samuelsson: "IT'S A SHARK WEARING PAJAMAS ISN'T IT."
  • Lilja: "I think it's like a whale jumping out of some ice, or whatever."
  • Samuelsson: "HIGHLY NONSENSICAL."
  • (Samuelsson begins to unchain Lilja)
  • (Derek Meech re-enters)
  • Meech: "HEY! What the fu.... Sam? What are you doing here?"
  • Samuelsson: "VANCOUVER IS SUCH A CONFUSING PLACE BRIAN LEETCH. MY TEAMMATES LOOK THE SAME AND OUR GOALIE IS MEXIC--"
  • Meech: (Stabs Samuelsson in the chest)
  • Samuelsson: "OW."
  • Lilja: "God, I have the worst fucking headache."
  • (studio audience laughs)

With Meech in prison and Lilja mistakenly left in the storm shelter to die a slow and miserable death, the two combined for zero points in the 2009-10 Sega season. Brett Lebda and Jonathan Ericsson stayed healthy throughout the year and played the majority of the 3rd pairing minutes. Mikael Samuelsson recovered from his stab wound in time for the playoffs but retired soon after to write a memoir.



21 comments:

Anonymous said...

thats funny.

cmk said...

Just how long does it take you to write this stuff? I'm going to be chuckling for the rest of the day, confusing my husband even more than he is already.

J.J. from Kansas said...

"And seriously, candy corn? I was more likely to follow a trail of dicks. Nobody eats that shit anymore."

I'm showing this to my wife as soon as I get home. She needs to learn the truth. Another excellent article.

Triple Deke Staff said...

@ cmk,

I'll tell you what I told Paul Kukla on Inside the Bloggers Studio back in 1973 (this happening of course after I was a last minute replacement because everyone else was booked):

"It's hard to gauge a time on it because I never sit down and say 'Okay, I'm gonna write something now.' I suck at that. Usually I'll get an idea and just try to fill in everything else around it.
Spending that summer with the Beatles in India didn't hurt either."

- Tyler

Anonymous said...

I'll tell you what I told Paul Kukla on Inside the Bloggers Studio back in 1973 (this happening of course after I was a last minute replacement because everyone else was booked):

"It's hard to gauge a time on it because I never sit down and say 'Okay, I'm gonna write something now.' I suck at that. Usually I'll get an idea and just try to fill in everything else around it.
Spending that summer with the Beatles in India didn't hurt either."


Now That's Funny!

Tram

jennyquarx said...

This is almost as awesome as Steve Yzerman Motivational Speaker. I too loved the candy corn bit. Awesome.

Chris in Hockey Hell said...

Meech should have used Reese's Pieces instead of candy corn. Ooh, a piece of candy...ooh, a piece of candy...ooh, a piece of candy...ooh, a piece of candy. Family Guy? Anyone?

Cameron Kittle said...

Please. The Triple Deke should be replacing Family Guy, not copying it.

I keep thinking you have already achieved the highest level of blogging hilarity, but then I read something like this.

A shark in pajamas...ooh that got me.

Bella said...

MY TEAMMATES LOOK THE SAME AND OUR GOALIE IS MEXICAN BUT NOT REALLY

Holy fuck did this crack me up. Brilliant.

Chris in Hockey Hell said...

I agree with you Cameron, but that's what I thought when I read that part.

Osrt said...

Awesome. Sammy totally needs flash cards...

Caitlin said...

This is comedy gold.
Honestly, how the fuck does Jay Leno get his own show and YOU are relegated to simply blogging?!
The world is an unfair place...

Markk said...

Haha, Luongo. You greasy bastard.

Anonymous said...

...with Meech and Lilja both out of the way, Chris Chelios (who, it turns out, helped dig that hole as a bomb shelter in the fifties, and also just happens to keep plenty of candy corn around for emergencies, but continues to deny any involvement) returns to Detroit and bogarts a roster spot, even dressing when Lidstrom is suspended one game for not attending the League-sponsered premier of Sidney Crosby's Path to Glory (now available on DVD).

Caitlin said...

^^Whoever you are, I'd just like you to know you are amazing.

I'm considering proposing marriage to you based on that comment alone.

Hockey Joe said...

Simply fucking brilliant.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Caitlin; I appreciate the offer, and the complement, but alas: the Top 10 Reasons It Wouldn't Work:

(1) The original post was the gold, I just tried to repay the entertainment I was given;

(2) I was in high school when Don't Stop Believing was released;

(3) I would go to jail;

(4) Someone with a metallic pukish green bug stole the antenna off of my Audi a couple weeks ago;

(5) I was rooting for Notre Dame last weekend;

(6) Dustin seems like a decent guy;

(7) I prefer Gregg Rollie to Jonathan Cain;

(8) I like beer;

(9) One of my favorite jokes is "they named a street after Bo Schembechler in Pasadena ... it's a dead end"; and...

(10) I'm a Sharks fan!

Keep doing it your way! :)

Triple Deke Staff said...

Thanks Caitlin; I appreciate the offer, and the complement, but alas: the Top 10 Reasons It Wouldn't Work:

This was a Pantheon commenting performance. And you may or may not even have a name. Alas ... well done.

Fox said...

Oh, my name is Legion, though even the versions my friends use tend to run towards the PG-13. And, I thank you for your attention, though I fear that no matter how amusing the second post was, the first would have required some mention of Jakub Kindl's mysterious case of chili-induced food poisoning and Peter Worrell's attempts to cash Lilja's paychecks while he was indesposed in order to attain a place in the Pantheon.

I've fired up the ol' google ID so's you can see the name, though being somewhat of a parasite, I have no home site of my own (and that email is, alas, dead). Since I'n coming out, stick tap to DH for emailing me this link.

Triple Deke Staff said...

I have no idea what the fuck you just said, but I liked it. Feel free to stick around the place. Just remember to use a coaster when you set your drink down because we don't play that table-ring shit 'round here.

Katherine said...

This post should be added to "Best of Triple Deke."

My hockey-loving and TTD-reading fiance and I both regularly use "Vancouver is such a confusing place, Andy" and "It's a shark wearing pajamas, isn't it?" in conversation to denote anything that is remotely confusing or puzzling.