September 10, 2009

Red Wings Season Preview: Darren Helm

Because nothing screams "cutting edge" quite like The Triple Deke, we'll be passing on the typical season preview for 2009-10. Instead, we will bring you this: a highly scientific forecast of each player's performance, which will be calculated by using an updated copy of a 13 year old video game -- Sega's NHL '97. Each statistical output will be treated as an irrefutable premonition, and anyone who challenges the accuracy of our system will be burned alive in front of their families.

*****


Darren Helm | #43 | Center


Strengths:

* Work ethic is second to none. He is the last player on the ice that you'd expect to take a shift off.

* Trains with the Looney Toons roadrunner in the offseason.

* Has a site named in his honor. The guy is so awesome that he has yet to record a regular season goal and people are naming their shit after him.


Weaknesses:

* Ceiling might not be that high in terms of point production.

* Needs to get meaner. At the current moment he looks just too fucking adorable.


NHL '97 Season Recap: 14 goals, 17 assists, 31 points

How strange is this whole Darren Helm thing? He has one point in his 23-game NHL career, and this is a player who certain people are already proclaiming will be "Wing-for-life"? Shit yeah, he's a Wing for life. It's obvious, isn't it? For us who have watched every game of his career so far, it probably makes you a little limp to picture Darren Helm in another uniform.

Now, I'm not one of those people who thinks hockey ties into every aspect of life (this is a complete lie), but if I were, I would've already started a bizarre religion in commemoration of His name. I would demand that the rotation of the Earth be slowed so that each day would be extended to 43 hours. I would force everyone to name their children "Darren" (even the girls, who would have testicles taped to their bodies and little blonde Helm mustaches drawn on their faces). We would shave ourselves completely hairless, spend our days eating smoked brie and speak exclusively in Haiku in front of a 40 foot mural of Helm doing something amazing like solving a Rubix cube with his feet.

To put it simply: there is no limit to the man's greatness. He is impossible not to like. All you can ask of these guys is that they give a max effort, and Helm manages to go beyond that in every single shift. He can look totally gassed and still be trying to finish a check somewhere on the ice, like his brain hasn't been programmed to let himself rest.

And perhaps more so than any other Wing, this guy was made to be a video game character with his combination of speed and physicality. He's not very big but he makes damn sure to get everything out of that 6'0" 180 lb body with each stride. His Sega stats weren't extraordinary, but with Commissioner Kocur mandating that Helm's entrance music be accompanied by smoke and pyrotechnics every time he took the ice, he managed to not be on the ice for a single goal against all season long and finished with a whopping +67 rating.

With that said, I am now going to write a letter to Darren Helm's parents to thank them for having sex that one time.


8 comments:

Guilherme Calciolari said...

Helm is God.

And when someone commented on the blog asking me how I have the time to make so many things I just said: God Helm chose me, my day has 43 hours.

Yeah, I am one of those of eople that connect sports to the meaning of life.

mrfluffy02 said...

What? No mention of The Kill Part Duex?

That's ok; you can't be great all the time.

Seriously...little girls with blond mustaches...channeling the Frank Zappa.

Tyler said...

You are entirely right Fluffy. Before this I probably didn't think it was possible to talk about his awesomeness and not mention that kill, or the game for that matter since he clinched the series later in the night. I won't even patronize you with a lame excuse.

cmk said...

"I am now going to write a letter to Darren Helm's parents to thank them for having sex that one time."

And because it WAS so perfect, they have never had sex again.

J.J. from Kansas said...

"I would force everyone to name their children "Darren" (even the girls, who would have testicles taped to their bodies and little blonde Helm mustaches drawn on their faces)."

Mike Ribiero has volunteered to help with this, even if he's a non-practicing member in the Church of Helm.

Brendan said...

It's true. He is that badass. I hope you don't feel like you have to tell other Wings' fans how great the kid is. We know. And other fans? Don't get it.

Relentless is how describe him. Like, if he were sent back from the future to kill your mother to prevent you from winning a goddamn war against him 30 years from now, he would not fucking fail. Even if he got his skin burned off and was crushed in a giant industrial press. He'd find a way.

Relentless.

beanie said...

These Sega reviews are just brilliant.

Anonymous said...

These Sega reviews are just brilliant.