September 2, 2009

Red Wings Season Preview: Tomas Holmstrom

Because nothing screams "cutting edge" quite like The Triple Deke, we'll be passing on the typical season preview for 2009-10. Instead, we will bring you this: a highly scientific forecast of each player's performance, which will be calculated by using an updated copy of a 13 year old video game -- Sega's NHL '97. Each statistical output will be treated as an irrefutable premonition, and anyone who challenges the accuracy of our system will be burned alive in front of their families.

*****

Tomas Holmstrom | #96 | Right Wing


Strengths:

* Exudes a toughness that is uncommon even to most hockey players.
* Ultimate team player and one of the greatest "ugly goal" scorers in NHL history.
* Annoying as fuck to the opposition's goaltender.


Weaknesses:
* Not a great 5-on-5 performer, and is not exactly a smooth skater.
* A bit of a health risk. Style of play has taken multiple years off his career.
* Is progressively turning into a chipmunk.
* His head will fall off is you ask him to conjugate a verb.


NHL '97 Season Recap: 21 goals, 56 assists, 77 points

I'm almost getting a little emotional doing this preview. Which by the way does NOT mean that I'm tearing up. I'm a man. 'Getting emotional' can simply mean that my insides get tingly when I begin to twirl my hair and reflect upon Tomas Holmstrom's industrious career (ugh, just thinking about that last sentence made my pants all hot..... ) But I'm not crying so you can save the comments, you 'mos.

Homer, you see, is a favorite of mine. How can he not be to a Wings fan? He's given every ounce of everything throughout his 12 years in Detroit. He epitomizes what hockey is and throws ridiculous stereotypes back in the crusty xenophobic faces of guys like Don Cherry. When I contemplate who my Five Favorite Wings of All Time are, I run with the assumption that Homer has to be one of those players (I also break into a terrified sweat thinking that crafting the order of such a list would take three weeks of pouring over empirical data while being secluded in a damp, poorly lit cave). He has sacrificed multiple future years of hockey by playing the way he has, and as rabid Red Wing followers with misplaced life priorities, we should regularly genuflect before a lifesize cutout of his rugged silhouette. I wish I could've gone to that damn Hockeyfest thing at the Joe last weekend just so I could get the chance to say something incredibly predictable and corny like "thank you for all you've done" and shake his.....well, his hand. His hand is what I would shake. {The Triple Deke: uncomfortably balancing the line between fandom and aberrant homosexuality since 2008.}

It was an inexplicable, rejuvenating (Sega) season for Homer in the points department. He added a whole new dimension to his game by not only being a crease-crashing nuisance, but by turning himself into a viable playmaking winger. His transformation was a league-wide success story that captivated millions and aggravated tens of millions more. But who cares about that second group of assholes. When asked about how this change took place, Homer cited a commitment to extra practice and secret workout sessions with former Wing Igor Larionov's daughter, Alyonka:

"Vee had the sex," he said.

"Igur vas rel busy during summertime, so, he send the daughter to help instead. The sexing relly helped clear da web cobs in the brain area. And da rest, as dey say, vas mystery."

When asked to comment on their relationship, Alyonka claimed that she had never met Holmstrom in her life and would be filing a lawsuit for slander. After Holmstrom was notified of this, he put out a press release that simply read "Oops" and included a crayon drawing of a sad-eyed puppy.

Regardless of his soon-to-be-real-life legal trouble, Holmstrom certainly opened many eyes in 2009-'10 with his play on the Sega ice. His banner season will hopefully prove to be a rebirth that keeps him in red and white for a few more years.


9 comments:

cmk said...

OMG!!! The tears are flowing from laughing so hard--I needed that. Thanks.

Kraig said...

bwahahahahaha

I can't believe how consistently good these all are. You better not crap out halfway through players like last year.

RT said...

Sega Turco looks pissssed

Anonymous said...

"Vee had the sex,"

I fell out of my chair on that one

Chris said...

I am sitting here in a crowded coffee shop with a criminal law book on my lap, earphones, laughing hysterically. People are starting to wonder. I like this place man, I want to be able to come back. With my just random outbreak of laughter, I'd be surprised if they let me back. I'm tearing up dude. The weirdos that spend their Friday nights alone in a laundromat are starting to think that they are too cool for me.

Plus there is a fucking hot ass brunette next to me, we earlier exchanged fuck me glances. Now, after this episode, she just left, very very abruptly. Thanks...ass.

After Holmstrom was notified of this, he put out a press release that simply read "Oops" and included a crayon drawing of a sad-eyed puppy.

Jesus. You need an award for this.

Osrt said...

Isht was awesome guys. You even deserve an exclamation point you studs.


This sentence is just beautiful:

"as rabid Red Wing followers with misplaced life priorities, we should regularly genuflect before a lifesize cutout of his rugged silhouette."

Just seeing his chipmunk shot makes me happy and this post made me all emotional thinking about how awesome Homer is.

There are some douchebags out there who suggested that Homer would be traded if Hudler was forced to come back and play with the Wings this year. Kenny would never ever do that to Homer because we'd hang him by his anal hairs if he did. Seriously, Homer belongs in the Wings' Hall of Fame.

Chris: "fuck me glances" is pure awesome

J.J. from Kansas said...

"And da rest, as dey say, vas mystery."

I'm stealing that. Not quite sure when or why, but the next time I have use for that phrase, that's what's coming out of my mouth.

Animal Drew said...

Jesus, Tyler.

Nate A said...

Awesome.