September 15, 2009

Red Wings Season Preview: Valtteri Filppula


Because nothing screams "cutting edge" quite like The Triple Deke, we'll be passing on the typical season preview for 2009-10. Instead, we will bring you this: a highly scientific forecast of each player's performance, which will be calculated by using an updated copy of a 13 year old video game -- Sega's NHL '97. Each statistical output will be treated as an irrefutable premonition, and anyone who challenges the accuracy of our system will be burned alive in front of their families.

*****


Valtteri Filppula | #51 | Center


Strengths:

* Fits the mold of a modern day Red Wing forward; an unselfish player with good instincts at both ends of the ice.

* Loaded with upside. Could turn into a premier playmaker if he puts everything together.

* Can whip up a really mean creme brule.


Weaknesses:

* Not a natural goal scorer and probably doesn't shoot as much as he should.

* Regularly consults these people for hair styling advice. Normally this would be a strength considering their expertise, but for fuck's sake look at the dude on the left.


NHL '97 Season Recap: 26 goals, 37 assists, 63 points

He has yet to have a breakout season in terms of points, but this very well could be it. He's gone from 7 to 17 to 28 assists during his first three NHL seasons. After losing a group of point-producers that I've been informed included Tomas Kopecky, Fil is going to be given more responsibilities to shore up the offensive depth behind our biggest guns. His grand total of 4 power play points figures to increase when given more time with the man advantage. That is, unless they play him at center ice out of fear that Jason Williams will soil himself at the blue line.

And after a very strong showing in the 2009 playoffs, I would have to consider myself a Filppula believer now. Of course I am late to this tea party as Michiganian women and men alike already lay befallen to his mesmerizing gaze, his flawlessly constructed face, and his ever-abundant man musk. While it took some convincing for me to change my tune, Fil's talents and hockey smarts haven't been lost on The Triple Deke's squadron of abbreviated readers (cmk, Osrt, J.J., RT, etc ..... you people probably don't even have real names .... you're just automated commenting bots that Google sends out to give their Blogger users a boost in morale .... oh Jesus where am I ...)

If Fil has a real life season as good as his Sega one, we will all no doubt be very pleased. During a game against Dallas he posted 4 assists and a goal, which earned him enough notoriety to be given a four page layout in the January edition of Penthouse. The demographic of men who haven't yet heard of Internet porn were initially put off by the added male genitalia in their magazine subscription, but soon quieted down when discovering that Filppula looks kind of like a hot woman after about four beers.



6 comments:

mrfluffy02 said...

Jesus. The estrogen is rather rank in here this morning.

J.J. from Kansas said...

He looks like a Finnish Patrick Bateman in that picture.

I...uhhh...am having to return some video tapes.

cmk said...

You never fail to entertain. Your negative comments aren't too snarky (I CAN use that word on a hockey blog, right?) and your positives aren't too gay (not that there's anything wrong with that.) I do, however, have a problem with the picture. VF isn't made to be intimidating and he just can't pull that scowl off well. Maybe he'll learn in time.

All that being said, hopefully his being put back on the third line isn't going to keep him from having the breakout season he should have had last year. I understand Babcock's thinking--well, as well as ANYONE understands what that man thinks--but I still like Z and Datsyuk together on the first line and VF centering the second.

And whoa--if we Finnish women look like that after a man has a few beers, it's a wonder we have kept the population of the UP going for as many years as we have! (Not that I look any BETTER than that...)

Osrt said...

ManCrush was born in my heart
And luckily his name is not Gart(h),
So I made this poem just for him
Cause he's smokey like a Virginia Slim.

Brendan said...

After 3 beers for me. Okay 2, I lied OMG

Animal Drew said...

I make it a rule not trust anyone who NATURALLY has different colored eyebrows and hair...it just creeps me out.

If he and Leino can somehow figure out how to use J-Willz on that second line...he notched between 50-60 points this year.