FLORIDA PANTHERS @ DETROIT RED WINGS
7:30 -- Joe Louis Arena
Panthers: 8-9-2 (18 pts), 13th in East | Wings: 10-6-3 (23 pts) 9th in West
________________________________________________________
Panthers blog of choice: Litter Box Cats
*****
OH SNAP Y'ALL--
That's right. You know what it's time for: NHL Officials Association... Dot. Fucking. Com.
Have you seen this? I pity the fool who hasn't, because you've been missing out on some of the dopest shit on the net.
You want graphics? Fuck me. You have come to the right place, sir. Here you get ice dimensions out the ass, plus a shot of Bill McCreary looking like warm pee is running down his leg.
*****
Do you wish you were one of these striped mother fuckers? It's as easy as pretending to blow a whistle. CTRL + V that shit:
"Remember, whether you are a first time official, have some experience, or are looking to officiate after or during a playing career ( at any level ). The key to your success is you. You need to get out there and 'just do it' " (No really, that's actually what it says. With the absence of a period at the end and everything.)
Nothing on this godforsaken planet is more motivating than that last paragraph. I now feel like I could bench press a pregnant horse.
*****
Becoming a referee wouldn't feel as rewarding if it weren't for a taste of tradition. What enhances tradition? Dead people.
Well, you've seen Mount Rushmore. It's Mount Queermore compared to this historic list of zebra legends:
Vern Buffey. George Hayes. John fucking McCauley. By Zeus' beard, I can't believe they aren't charging us by the second to read this shit. You think you're blowing a call with the ghost of Red Storey peering over your shoulder? Don't be an idiot. Of course not. And don't think for a fucking second that John D'Amico doesn't know where you sleep. Even in Heaven he wears an eye patch, but with the good eye even he can tell interference from a good clean puck battle. Hell, I can still hear that old bag of bones now .... "You lost sight of the puck? What are you, gay?"
*****
We've saved the Holy Grail for last. If your balls are constantly wet, all of your problems are now one click away. Your next BJ can be forwarded directly to the lap of a Reebok exec thanks to the "ultimate moisture management" of the Toasty Tight.
We're talking 76% micro-polyester here. We're talking the finest in spandex technology to keep your taint warm and your shame hidden under the tightest of coverage.
Oh tap dancing Christ. The things I would do to moose-knuckle my way into a pair of those things. Best part: sweet ass whistle logo, nestled right next to the goods. Intend to blow this, bitch.
*****
It goes without saying. I am now properly pumped to watch the Wings take on the Panthers.
If you are as excited as me to watch a game officiated by men of dry balls, don't just sit there. Tell them about it. And while you're there, tell them anything else that may be on your mind.
7:30 -- Joe Louis Arena
Panthers: 8-9-2 (18 pts), 13th in East | Wings: 10-6-3 (23 pts) 9th in West
________________________________________________________
Panthers blog of choice: Litter Box Cats
*****
OH SNAP Y'ALL--
That's right. You know what it's time for: NHL Officials Association... Dot. Fucking. Com.
Have you seen this? I pity the fool who hasn't, because you've been missing out on some of the dopest shit on the net.
You want graphics? Fuck me. You have come to the right place, sir. Here you get ice dimensions out the ass, plus a shot of Bill McCreary looking like warm pee is running down his leg.
*****
Do you wish you were one of these striped mother fuckers? It's as easy as pretending to blow a whistle. CTRL + V that shit:
"Remember, whether you are a first time official, have some experience, or are looking to officiate after or during a playing career ( at any level ). The key to your success is you. You need to get out there and 'just do it' " (No really, that's actually what it says. With the absence of a period at the end and everything.)
Nothing on this godforsaken planet is more motivating than that last paragraph. I now feel like I could bench press a pregnant horse.
*****
Becoming a referee wouldn't feel as rewarding if it weren't for a taste of tradition. What enhances tradition? Dead people.
Well, you've seen Mount Rushmore. It's Mount Queermore compared to this historic list of zebra legends:
Vern Buffey. George Hayes. John fucking McCauley. By Zeus' beard, I can't believe they aren't charging us by the second to read this shit. You think you're blowing a call with the ghost of Red Storey peering over your shoulder? Don't be an idiot. Of course not. And don't think for a fucking second that John D'Amico doesn't know where you sleep. Even in Heaven he wears an eye patch, but with the good eye even he can tell interference from a good clean puck battle. Hell, I can still hear that old bag of bones now .... "You lost sight of the puck? What are you, gay?"
*****
We've saved the Holy Grail for last. If your balls are constantly wet, all of your problems are now one click away. Your next BJ can be forwarded directly to the lap of a Reebok exec thanks to the "ultimate moisture management" of the Toasty Tight.
We're talking 76% micro-polyester here. We're talking the finest in spandex technology to keep your taint warm and your shame hidden under the tightest of coverage.
Oh tap dancing Christ. The things I would do to moose-knuckle my way into a pair of those things. Best part: sweet ass whistle logo, nestled right next to the goods. Intend to blow this, bitch.
*****
It goes without saying. I am now properly pumped to watch the Wings take on the Panthers.
If you are as excited as me to watch a game officiated by men of dry balls, don't just sit there. Tell them about it. And while you're there, tell them anything else that may be on your mind.
20 comments:
That has to be the most hysterical shit I have ever read at (almost) 3:00 AM. I woke the cat--she is NOT pleased. Believe me, I'm not just giggling like a little girl--I'm flat out belly laughing. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I needed a good laugh.
I sent a very nice email to the league dont worry.
Also this has to be one of your best post in a long long while hahaha
@ Cmk ...
You're always saying how old you are. And yet it's 3 in the morning. You have to be the coolest old person that I (kind of) know.
- Tyler
This might be the best anything ever.
was looking around the merchandise page and saw this: http://www.nhlofficials.com/merchandise/display_product.asp?productID=142
17 bucks, wow, that's crazy...it's just a whistle right? for that kind of money you'd think it'd have some mind-reading technology so that is just automatically starts whistling the very moment you intend to blow it....ha imagine if they actually made a rule so that the play ends whenever the ref says regardless of the actual whistle being blown.. that'd be insane.
You know, I think you are a great writer, but this is one of your best posts ever. Hilarious.
Do those pants hide the pee stains running down your leg when Babcock gives you the stare and your french bladder surrenders?
How do I know your bladder is french? Why, it goes oui oui, of course.
*tip your watiresses*
This was fabulous for a Friday read, kudos TDT.
Word Verification: vildsest
Isn't "vildsest" what Holmer had with Igor's daughter?
I like this rink jpg a bit better-
http://www.sportsargumentwiki.com/images/5/5f/NHL_Rink2.png
That's awesome, Fluffy. I loved the Hasek part.
- Tyler
I have wet balls. I need those pants ASAP.
p.s. I've been looking for an excuse to let you know my balls are wet. Call me.
Shhhhh...I'm really a vampire, that's why I'm up all night.
By the time I finished reading, my sack was quite moist. That was amazing, even after the game.
As an official myself, I appreciate you making this public knowledge. The issue of Referee Ball Sweat is one that not a lot of people know about, but affect one in every ten officials. Brad Watson on Hossa? RBS. O'Halloran countless times against Holmstrom? RBS. Kerry Fraser and the infamous Gretzky non-call high stick? You bet your sweet bippy that was some severe RBS right there.
^no comment section is complete without a porn ad for japanese pre-teens.
Grass on field...
Great post Tyler
awww, someone took away the spam. She seemed like a nice girl too.
Sorry Osrt, I try to keep this blog suitable for all ages. (ball sweat = fun for whole family).
- Tyler
I've been a lurker for some time but I felt the need to comment to apologize. I read the title of the post a couple of days ago and assumed it was more about the missed call from the other night which I'm sort of tired of hearing about, so I didn't scroll down to read. That was probably the biggest mistake I have ever made. Hilarious blog, and I will never doubt you again.
PS -- I hope you are alive over there, two games gone and no posts yet. Mourning Kronner, I presume?
Hey I've been out of the blog and hockey world for a few days so I'm trying to catch up now. This is an awesome post.
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