December 29, 2009

Mikael Samuelsson's Olympic Snubbing : The Whole Story


As you may have heard, Mikael Samuelsson was left of the roster for Sweden's 2010 Olympic squad. It didn't sit with him very well.

"They can go fuck themselves."

No seriously. He said that. It wasn't like somebody had created a terribly inaccurate caricature of him and completely made up something that he had said. This actually happened.

As best friends of the Ilitch's, we've been up close for some of Sammy's finest moments on and off the ice. Now that he's in Vancouver we don't get to see as much of him, but fortunately, (insert contrived excuse to explain how we know what you're about to read.)
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Swedish Ice Hockey Association headquarters -- Stockholm

Head coach Bengt-Ake Gustafsson has called Mikael Samuelsson into his office for a one-on-one meeting about the 2010 Winter Olympic Games.


Samuelsson: "HEY COACH NICE TO SEE YOU ON THIS FINE WINTERS MORN'. HOW WAS CHRISTMAS."

Gustafsson: "It was fine, Mikael, please have a seat."

Samuelsson: "MINE WAS EXTRAVAGENT, SINCE YOU ASKED. I GOT A GIFT CARD TO SEARS, WHICH IS SO CONVENIENT BECAUSE I NEED SOME BLACK AND DECKER PRODUCTS FOR OUTDOORS WORK."

Gustafsson: "There's g--"

Samuelsson: "NOT GARDENING THOUGH, I USUALLY LEAVE THAT TO THE MISSUS (chuckles). DO YOU HAVE KIDS."

Gustafsson: "Mikael, we n--"

Samuelsson: "MINE ARE TOO ADORABLE TO CONVEY WITH HUMAN EXPRESSION. TO SEE THE JOY ON THEIR FACES CHRISTMAS MORNING WAS TO LOOK INTO THE EYES OF A YOUNG JESUS -- NOT QUITE A BABY JESUS, BUT A YOUNGER ONE OF ABOUT 5 OR 6 YEARS OF AGE -- AND SHARE AN INTIMATE MOMENT OF COMPASSION AND UNDERSTANDING THAT SOMETIMES THIS IS A CONFUSING WORLD BUT WITH A PINCH OF GRACE AND SPOONFUL OF GENEROSITY THIS CAN BE A WONDROUS PLACE TO LIVE."

Gustafsson: "Sit down, Mikael."

Samuelsson: (sits)

Gustafsson: "As you know the Olympics are on the horizon and some difficult decisions are going to have to be made. I want to be able to discuss this like men, and to handle it appropriately."

Samuelsson: "I KNOW WHAT THIS IS ABOUT, COACH."

Gustafsson: "You do?"

Samuelsson: "YES. AND BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING ABOUT WHO YOU HAVE CHOSEN TO BE THE CAPTAIN OF TEAM SWEDEN, I WANT YOU TO VIEW A VIDEO I HAVE PREPARED FOR OUR MEETING."

Gustafsson: "That really won't be necessary, Mikael."

Samuelsson: "I INSIST, COACH. I THINK THIS WILL MAKE YOUR DECISION A LITTLE EASIER" (nudges with elbow).

(cassette is put into nearby VCR)



(video ends)

Gustafsson: "..... Mikael, that ...... that is ......"

Samuelsson: "UH COACH, THIS VIDEO PROJECT IS STILL A WORK-IN-PROGRESS, PLEASE RESERVE JUDGMENT UNTIL LATER. UH..."

Gustafsson: "We're getting a little off track here Mikael. I called you in here today to tell you--"

Samuelsson: "DON'T SAY IT COACH -- DO NOT SPEAK THOSE WORDS. DOUGLAS MURRAY MAY BE MORE QUALIFIED BECAUSE HE ONCE CHOKED OUT A WATER BUFFALO TO SAVE A GROUP OF BLIND ABORIGINE CHILDREN, BUT PLEASE, PERHAPS THIS WILL CHANGE YOUR MIND..."

(new cassette is put into VCR)



(video ends)

Gustafsson: (muttering) "This is the dumbest shit..."

Samuelsson: "COACH DID YOU SAY SOMETHING."

Gustafsson: "Mikael you're not on the Olympic roster."

Samuelsson: "YES! THANK YOU C0.... WAIT, WHAT."

Gustafsson: "You didn't make the team, Mikael. You didn't earn a spot."

Samuelsson: "I .... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. THIS IS DUMBFOUNDING."

Gustafsson: "Please, just take your A.V. equipment and leave. This has been rather embarrassing for the both of us."

(receptionist enters)

Receptionist: "Sir, is there anything wrong? I thought I heard yelling."

Samuelsson: "HE IS THE ONE WHO IS YELLING. NOT I, SAID THE CAT. THIS WHOLE COURTROOM IS OUT OF ORDER AND EVERYBODY IN HERE IS AGAINST ME. LADY I WANT YOU TO PICK UP THAT PHONE OF YOURS AND TELL SWEDEN THEY CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES."

Receptionist: "You really want me to tell them that?"

Samuelsson: "Yes. Yes I do."

Receptionist: "Alright."


25 comments:

Guilherme Calciolari said...

Back to the usual awesome form, huh? But tell me, will you ever use the Aborigenes tag again?

Osrt said...

If there were hockey Oscars you would own them. Gotta love that crazy Sammy.

I can't believe I'm saying this but I agreed with the VS guys last night. They liked Sammy's reaction and called for him to be on the team if anyone gets injured. I agree.

Sammy had an honest moment and I'm glad he has enough pride to believe he belongs on that team. Good on him.

I wonder what King Lidas thinks about that.

catchpa: dicinost

gigitty

jennyquarx said...

Holy crap, that was awesome. Please keep making videos.

mserven said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mserven said...

Coffee through my nose & onto my keyboard is always a good way to start the morning. Another brilliant effort. I suddenly have the urge to run on the beach wearing nothing but a tight fitting Mik jersey. Weird.

jennbikegirl said...

Wow. Just wow. More please!

stonehands said...

You.Are.On.A.Roll.

Mariia19 said...

This just made my day, looks like videos are your thing. Awesome post :)

Micah said...

Incredible

HockeyTownTodd said...

"I wonder what King Lidas thinks about that. "
I doubt he will share his thoughts on this in his memoirs. We may have to wait until he is the same age as
Gordie Howe is now.

cmk said...

This just goes to show that my decision to adopt you guys is right. You make my day! (The paperwork has been started--you should hear from my lawyer in a few days.) ;)

Bella said...

An aLOL to rule them all. Please, please make Sammy the Official Triple Deke Olympic Correspondent ... I would love to hear him tell the whole world to go fuck themselves.

Baroque said...

You have a talent for the visual.

I'm not sure if the world will long survive now that you have unleashed your efforts on the unsuspecting world, though. :)

Many aLOLs (tm Tyler)

Osrt said...

Wait, did you guys make both videos? Seriously?

Triple Deke Staff said...

We made both videos, Osrt. We didn't compose the music or anything though, we were feeling lazy.

Cmk, you're going to have to get in line behind the weird greeter lady at Meijer who we've already petitioned to be our mother. I would feel bad if I took it back now. I mean she doesn't know who I am, but it's the prinicple of the thing.

- Tyler

J.J. from Kansas said...

Between the podcast and your video editing skills, the only way you guys could be more on fire is if Bert threw a molotov through your windshield for blasting Whitesnake tunes too loud. Keep up the good work, you degenerates.

cmk said...

Okay, I'll cease and desist. Can't say I'm not disappointed, though. If I drank beer, I'd go and cry in it. ;)

hockeychic said...

This is just perfect.

Wonderful!

creasemonkey said...

"NOM NOM candy corn!"

Anonymous said...

Tyler,

I bow to your magnificence.

Da Bear

Alzy said...

Brillant guys. So many aLOL moments.

Does anyone else hear Jakov, the male jackovasaur from South Park when reading Sammy's lines? I don't know why, but ever since I read "Steve Yzerman: Motivational speaker," I've pictured Sammy as Jakov in these stories.

mrfluffy said...

Wow...Sammy's wife is hot.

LaurenH said...

"Does anyone else hear Jakov, the male jackovasaur from South Park when reading Sammy's lines?"

ha ha! Very close! I think it's a cross between that and Pee-Wee Herman. And a moose.

Fox said...

This was absolutely fantastic; I grew another arm just to give it three thumbs up!

Of course, as a fan of the team that drafted Murray (and Sammy) I am forced to redirect any remarks aimed at my guys, though I promise not to stoop to any sort of lowbrow innuendo that would detract from the site.

Hey, were those Mattias Weinhandl's skates poking out from under Gustafsson's desk?

viagra online said...

"I wonder what King Lidas thinks about that. "
I doubt he will share his thoughts on this in his memoirs. We may have to wait until he is the same age as
Gordie Howe is now.