January 11, 2010

A Completely Hetero Ode to Bruce MacLeod

I have made no attempts to hide my appreciation for Bruce MacLeod's writing talents. When I first went to Michigan State I was a journalism major and had every intention of changing my pen name to Tyler MacDevereaux just to feel more like him. He is a literary demigod, a cleverly subtle humorist, The Highlander, speaker of mysterious tongues and has bedded over 50 women in the last 12 nights. How do I know that? Because I'm lying. He's probably a wholesome family man who doesn't know me from the bum picking old rough drafts of his memoirs out of his trash at night. (Hint -- we're the same guy.)

Since many of you probably read his blog, Red Wings Corner, you do not need me to tell you about how Bruce has been forced to scale back on his Wings writing over these past months because his newspaper hates us personally and wants to deprive us of his genius. That's what they told me after I didn't take the whole "economy/budget cuts" bullshit after the first 9 letters that I sent them. Ironically, that's the kind of persistence that I learned from Bruce (or pretended to learn), as I spent many moons imagining what it would be like to study the craft from under his gentle wing; we'd be in the office after hours, after all the other writers had earned their bare minimum of flair for the day and gone home to their stupid families, and Bruce would give me a wink and tell me to put on another pot of coffee because we had a story to turn out by 6 AM. That's the kind of person that Bruce MacLeod is (might be?).

I will now take a look back through the finer moments of Red Wings Corner, as Bruce grew from an awesome writer to an even awesomer writer, in an Ode to the best of the Wingosphere.

*****


THE FIRST POST AT RWC



Emmerton sure as shit went on to join the Griffs, as Highlander so intuitively reported. Two playoffs games in '07 with G.R.: No goals, no assists, and no making a fucking liar out of Bruce MacLeod. Good on you, Cory Emmerton. You're work here is done.



LINE COMBINATIONS



Is there anything more appealing to the eye than line combinations? If you answered "yes", please report your face to my fist.

I doubt Brucey was the first to write them out like this, but man does it look cool when he posts those. I feel like I'm in Top Gun and I'm reading the names of all the pilot pairings on the wall. (See that analogy right there? Absolute dog shit. MacLeod would never submit that weak ass effort. I am lower than scum.)



INTERESTING AND VALUABLE INFORMATION


Takes astute observations from game + quotes from head coach --> blows my fucking world.

Matchups and how lines combine to form matchups are a inner-game intricacy that MacLeod has mastered a hold of. Hardly anyone else writes with as much attention to this detail as he does. He gets the "game-within-a-game" thing. While you're paying attention to the moving objects and bright colors, he's reading the brain of the suited gentleman behind the bench. Always a step ahead.

I bet this dude crushes in Monopoly.



THE FUNNY

Anytime you can bring the wife into it, that's funny. Doesn't matter what it is. "My wife was taking down the Halloween decorations this morning ..." what a hoot. Women is crazy.



STATS THAT COMMON FOLK DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO


Bruce will once in a while post some random collection of stats that you typically won't read about. Whether it's penalties drawn or even strength points/60 minutes or the like, he's never one to shy away from numbers. This is refreshing considering most newspaper writers don't compute anything more than "Goals", "Assists", and "Canadianness."



KEEPING IT REAL



Game 5, 2008 Finals. You either remember it and you vomit, or you vomited so much that night that you don't remember it. It was a black day in Red Wings history, as there may have never been a more heartwrenching defeat. I don't care what the status of the series was, that the Wings were up 3-1, that they still had to lose two more games to not win that Cup. It was awful not winning on that night, because of how epic the game was and how Babe Ruth Sykora ended it.

And what was the first sentence out of Bruce MacLeod's fingers? "...an absolutely great game." That's balls right there. No wait -- it's better than that. It was straight up uterus to type that. He could've opened with basically the same blubbering emo drivel that I spew whenever this game comes up, but oh no. B-Mac doesn't play that. He was so classy with that post that he wrote it in a tuxedo.


BEING HUMBLE

It's totally cool Bruce. You're allowed one of those after nailing it so many times. I even dig the way he's slightly making fun of himself. "In fact, ..."

If you dedicate an entire post to your own mistake, that's some serious respect points right there. On a scale of 1 to 10 -- 10 being "maximum respect" and 1 being "no respect", Bruce would be the polar opposite of Jay Mariotti. (Fuck you it's my scale, I know it doesn't make sense. Even though it does.)



COMMENTER OWNAGE


Fact: Somebody once told Bruce that Santa Claus didn't exist, and within 15 seconds he used a protractor, some Neosporin and MS Paint to prove otherwise.

Truth be told, you shouldn't go toe to toe with Bruce even if it might appear that he's wrong and you're right. Last year he explained his reasoning for thinking Mike Green should win the Norris; if it were anybody else, I would've thrown my computer in the dumpster after reading it. Because it was MacLeod, I nodded politely and spent the next 48 hours heating my weight in faux hawks. My body is still digesting hair product to this day.



SIMPLICITY


(calling my parents to admit that I'm a complete failure)


4 comments:

Mauvais gardien de but said...

I was in tears laughing by the time I got to the line combinations section. Thank you!

harmon said...

Don't sell yourself short, you ain't bad either. Although if I were MacLeod I'd be a little creeped out by this post.

Osrt said...

"He was so classy with that post that he wrote it in a tuxedo."

-beautiful.

"Fact: Somebody once told Bruce that Santa Claus didn't exist, and within 15 seconds he used a protractor, some Neosporin and MS Paint to prove otherwise."

-bad ass.

"Because it was MacLeod, I nodded politely and spent the next 48 hours heating my weight in faux hawks."

-mad respect.

I want to give this post a hug, it has so much love. Well done man.

Can we start a petition or something to get MacLeod back on the air/page?

AxeMaster9 said...

Bruce doesnt need to get this joke because Bruce is this joke. Indeed