January 12, 2010

Game #45 -- Red Wings @ Islanders


I'm going to kick this off by copy-and-pasting the intro to my Wings/Ducks recap from the other night:

Larry Murphy made a comment earlier this year, after the Wings had played a particularly dreadful game, that it was one of those that you just ball up, throw in the trash and forget about. He said you're going to have 3 or 4 of those every year.

Everybody who heard it flipped out because at the time it was already like the 7th one of those games. And this was at least a month ago. The point being that any more than maybe, oh, one of those through the rest of the season and you're defining "unacceptable". We're well past that now.

Good, it still applies.

But hey, at least we could see it coming after one minute in. A harmless looking play behind the Wings' net, in which three of them were standing in position to do ... something .... resulted in a goal. 1-0. A minute in and that goal would've been enough.

Luckily, Jimmy Howard was kind enough to be mic'd up for the game and we were able to hear what exactly was going on around him during that play. Because it certainly wasn't hockey.

(Puck rolls along boards below the goal line)

Jimmy Howard: "So what did you do this weekend, Drew?"

Drew Miller: "Not a whole lot. Got an oil change, saw Avatar."

Howard: "Hey me too! What did you think of it? I was blown away. Probably the best movie I'll see this year."

Miller: "Meh, I don't know, it was alright."

Howard: "What?? 'Alright'? Come on man, the way they combined 3D effects and live action to perfection wasn't thrilling to you?"

Miller: "Yeah that was cool, but it's the same Hollywood story recycled over and over again. White people seek new land; hero white man infiltrates primitive group of strangers; hero white man falls for primitive female; hero white man saves primitive people from the overbearing white race. The end."

Howard: "Oh I get it. You're a movie snob."

Brad Stuart: "Yeah Drew quit being a fag." (shotguns beer)

Miller: "No, I'm not a snob, I would just prefer to see something more original, as opposed to seeing a movie jack itself off with special effects for two hours and throw in an already-used script. I mean there are literally like a dozen movies that have used the same concept. Doesn't that bother you a little?"

Stuart: "Sounds pretty faggy." (belches)

(Puck is centered from behind net, goal is scored)

Howard: "I don't know Drew. Maybe I just didn't care all that much and saw the movie for what it was. It was a great theater experience and probably meant to entertain visually more than it did to stimulate the brain intellectually. I mean people were actually clapping at the end, I've never seen that before. And don't give me the 'dumbed-down America' bullshit either -- I'm not a drone just because I enjoyed the movie. It was entertainment to me and nothing more. Not every movie has to provide some amazing social commentary."

Miller: "But it does provide that. And it's painfully obvious. Industrialized white guy has to help primitive natives because they're not smart enough to do it themselves -- doesn't that seem a bit racist to you?"

Howard: "Racist? Are you serious? If anything the movie was about acceptance of different cultures and races -- not the opposite. The white people were CLEARLY the lesser species in this movie. It's practically saying that industrialization is a bad thing if it turns your people into greedy environmental rapists and closes your mind to everything else."

Stuart: "Okay you're both fags."

Miller: "Well it doesn't surprise me that you wouldn't think anything is racist with this movie, Jimmy. After all you were supposedly the only one in the team meeting this summer who vetoed idea of Mike Grier signing in Detroit."

Howard: "What the hell Drew -- I told that to you in confidence!"

Kyle Okposo: "I heard that."

Miller: "I'm just saying. You clearly have a bias here as you are blinded by your prejudiced ways. It's not your fault, Jimmy. You were probably just raised by terrible, neanderthal, mouth-breathing parents."

Derek Meech: "Hey guys what are we talkin' about?"

Howard: "SHUT THE FUCK UP DEREK. Drew, you're a dick. I'm never telling you anything ever again."

(Puck is taken to center ice for faceoff)


The Wings play the worst team in the league on Thursday night in Detroit. If they don't win this game, then I don't know what to think. Even my optimism after the Anaheim game won't last through another clunker like this. It is the ultimate Must Not Lose.


Natalie said...

I can't begin to fathom the thought of losing to Carolina. One of our good friends lives outside of Raleigh and is a big 'Canes fan. Preliminary trash talk made him already concede the loss to us. After last night, I just have an anxious feeling leading into tomorrow. It's either going to be a really awesome game or the shittiest one ever.

Rob said...

Absolutely hysterical guys, keep up the good work

cmk said...

"Okay you're both fags."

NOT that there's anything wrong with that!

Thank you for giving me something to laugh at after the suckage. I'll live for another day.

beanie said...

Love it ;)

J.J. from Kansas said...

That's exactly how I imagine Brad Stuart talking too, except when he's in a room with Mikael Samuelsson. Then they both turn into erudite english businessmen.

Harren said...

Kyle Okposo: "I heard that"


Anonymous said...

You do know this counts as fan fiction, right?

That said, it was hilarious and you should write more.

Brendan said...

Except that Brad Stuart's words come out all weird and stretched sideways because his mouth it way too fucking wide.

A shit effort that game. Really. The LB turned into a "What's your favourite pokemon?" We haven't had to ask those questions since the offseason.

What. The. Fuck.

Baroque said...

Miller and Howard could have spent the time distracted by ripping on each other's universities, too. :)

Osrt said...

You have imaginary conversations in your head all the time don't you?

Have your people call my people.

AxeMaster9 said...

Holy shit that was funny

Fox said...

That WAS great; Miller would have Pearl Harbored Howard in that discussion a lot sooner had he gone to a school with a free-standing Film Studies department rather than one beholden to the English drones, but that's nitpicking: it was as good or better than dialogue about the poor saps building Death Star II, and the characters didn't even have to go up to the roof to (sort of) play hockey.