By now you probably know about the fan who got up onto the catwalk during Saturday night's game, causing an entire section of the lower bowl to be evacuated. Here's how it looked on the Kings broadcast:
I thought I had seen it all in Detroit. There was the termite scare of 1983 when the entire visitor's penalty box was eaten while Steve Larmer was serving a double-minor for high sticking (Remember when Nancy Reagan swooped in with her helicopter to fish him out of there? Oh man.) And of course there was that Wings/Leafs game where Terry Sawchuk made a save by catching the puck with his teeth, chewed it into the shape of a middle finger, and uncovered Toe Blake's despicable plan to use under-aged indentured servants to build a secret cross-country railroad made entirely of cheese. And who could forget the assassination of 2Pac? All happened at Wings home games and all were equally incredible moments. Now, we have "Catwalk Guy".
Well anyway, me and Merv Griffin's other best friend (Chris Hollis) were discussing what it would be like if a member of the Herm 2 Hockeytown party tarnished the reputation of the entire online community by doing something stupid at the March 26th game against Minnesota. You know, like bringing your mom's basement with you or biting another fan because he keeps pronouncing "Abdelkader" wrong . That shit will get back to the media and we'll all be ruined.
So for those of you that will be joining us there, I've constructed a few guidelines to follow that will ensure maximum safety and keep our noses clean.
- Don't be that douche who screams "YOU'RE HOT" to Karen Newman while she's singing the national anthem. Not because it's disrespectful, but because it's insulting to her. It has to be. You don't think that she already knows she's hot? Do you think she's never seen herself? Do you think there are no mirrors in that woman's house? Are you saying she can't afford mirrors? Are you calling her poor? You just called Karen Newman a blind, stupid, homeless tramp and made us all look like ignorant dicks. I hate you.
- For your own health, it would be best if you stayed out of the middle of whatever Kyle and Matt will be feverishly debating that day. It's only inevitable that we'll order some buffalo wings and then the whole "Ranch vs. Blue Cheese" nuclear bomb will go off. They'll have a separate table in case either of them needs to draw a Venn diagram or show a Power Point presentation.
- Be nice to Herm. Don't try and trick him just because he's never been to America by telling him that it's okay to take off your pants in public in this country. Because as far as my understanding goes they're still not letting us do that yet. So Herm, if you read this, keep those pants on. (I think. I'm like 96% on that one and I'm going to contact my local congressman later today.)
- Don't carve your online alias into your seat to show "_____ was here".
- Nobody outside of our group is going to care or know about who "Pinky" is, so you best keep that one close to the vest. In fact the Pinkster said something about suing us all or eating our children if there's ever an awesome hat sale in Michigan and he happens to come through here. Or something close to that.
- Stay off the catwalk. Unless your last name is Van Damn and you have to climb up there in order to swing across the arena like fucking Tarzan into a press box which you just through a homemade bomb at to break the glass so that you can save your kids and beat the bad guys before they blow the whole building up. And even then you're going to need a permission slip.
- I swear to God, if I hear anybody say "+1" or the letters "LOL" in an effort to be ironic I'm going to punch them in the sack. Women included.
- Our hype man Osrt is going to be there. Consider yourself warned: he's what some of our cooler friends would call a "player". If you are
an attractive woman... a reasonably attractive woman... a woman... a human... alive... a tangible object, Osrt is going to approach you. Just let him drop the "are you tired/you've been running through my mind all day" line and he should move onto the next warm body within 10 seconds. Unless you have blonde hair, killer eyes, you can backcheck like crazy and you where #51, because then you might be in actual danger.
- I don't know if George Malik is going or not, but the answer to your question is no: that is NOT Brendan Shanahan's game-worn playoff beard from 1998. You need not ask him.
- All of us share this somewhat special, almost pathetic bond because each of us are the biggest Wings fans that we know. We come to this Internet thing and Twitter and liveblog with our imaginary friends because they're the only ones who truly understand. We type with fury whenever something bad happens and our keyboards and remotes take massive amounts of punishment. So with that in mind, I want you to imagine more than 100 of us together in real life at a venue that serves alcohol as we watch Brett Lebda try to do his job. I don't really know where I was going with this but basically I think that Lebda needs to be gone by March 26.