January 25, 2010

Herm to Hockeytown: Game Etiquette & Other Behavioral Tips


By now you probably know about the fan who got up onto the catwalk during Saturday night's game, causing an entire section of the lower bowl to be evacuated. Here's how it looked on the Kings broadcast:



I thought I had seen it all in Detroit. There was the termite scare of 1983 when the entire visitor's penalty box was eaten while Steve Larmer was serving a double-minor for high sticking (Remember when Nancy Reagan swooped in with her helicopter to fish him out of there? Oh man.) And of course there was that Wings/Leafs game where Terry Sawchuk made a save by catching the puck with his teeth, chewed it into the shape of a middle finger, and uncovered Toe Blake's despicable plan to use under-aged indentured servants to build a secret cross-country railroad made entirely of cheese. And who could forget the assassination of 2Pac? All happened at Wings home games and all were equally incredible moments. Now, we have "Catwalk Guy".

Well anyway, me and Merv Griffin's other best friend (Chris Hollis) were discussing what it would be like if a member of the Herm 2 Hockeytown party tarnished the reputation of the entire online community by doing something stupid at the March 26th game against Minnesota. You know, like bringing your mom's basement with you or biting another fan because he keeps pronouncing "Abdelkader" wrong . That shit will get back to the media and we'll all be ruined.

So for those of you that will be joining us there, I've constructed a few guidelines to follow that will ensure maximum safety and keep our noses clean.

  • Don't be that douche who screams "YOU'RE HOT" to Karen Newman while she's singing the national anthem. Not because it's disrespectful, but because it's insulting to her. It has to be. You don't think that she already knows she's hot? Do you think she's never seen herself? Do you think there are no mirrors in that woman's house? Are you saying she can't afford mirrors? Are you calling her poor? You just called Karen Newman a blind, stupid, homeless tramp and made us all look like ignorant dicks. I hate you.
  • For your own health, it would be best if you stayed out of the middle of whatever Kyle and Matt will be feverishly debating that day. It's only inevitable that we'll order some buffalo wings and then the whole "Ranch vs. Blue Cheese" nuclear bomb will go off. They'll have a separate table in case either of them needs to draw a Venn diagram or show a Power Point presentation.
  • Be nice to Herm. Don't try and trick him just because he's never been to America by telling him that it's okay to take off your pants in public in this country. Because as far as my understanding goes they're still not letting us do that yet. So Herm, if you read this, keep those pants on. (I think. I'm like 96% on that one and I'm going to contact my local congressman later today.)
  • Don't carve your online alias into your seat to show "_____ was here".
  • Nobody outside of our group is going to care or know about who "Pinky" is, so you best keep that one close to the vest. In fact the Pinkster said something about suing us all or eating our children if there's ever an awesome hat sale in Michigan and he happens to come through here. Or something close to that.
  • Stay off the catwalk. Unless your last name is Van Damn and you have to climb up there in order to swing across the arena like fucking Tarzan into a press box which you just through a homemade bomb at to break the glass so that you can save your kids and beat the bad guys before they blow the whole building up. And even then you're going to need a permission slip.
  • I swear to God, if I hear anybody say "+1" or the letters "LOL" in an effort to be ironic I'm going to punch them in the sack. Women included.
  • Our hype man Osrt is going to be there. Consider yourself warned: he's what some of our cooler friends would call a "player". If you are an attractive woman ... a reasonably attractive woman ... a woman ... a human ... alive ... a tangible object, Osrt is going to approach you. Just let him drop the "are you tired/you've been running through my mind all day" line and he should move onto the next warm body within 10 seconds. Unless you have blonde hair, killer eyes, you can backcheck like crazy and you where #51, because then you might be in actual danger.
  • I don't know if George Malik is going or not, but the answer to your question is no: that is NOT Brendan Shanahan's game-worn playoff beard from 1998. You need not ask him.
  • All of us share this somewhat special, almost pathetic bond because each of us are the biggest Wings fans that we know. We come to this Internet thing and Twitter and liveblog with our imaginary friends because they're the only ones who truly understand. We type with fury whenever something bad happens and our keyboards and remotes take massive amounts of punishment. So with that in mind, I want you to imagine more than 100 of us together in real life at a venue that serves alcohol as we watch Brett Lebda try to do his job. I don't really know where I was going with this but basically I think that Lebda needs to be gone by March 26.

17 comments:

Guilherme Calciolari said...

"Leave your pants on"

Shit, my bag just got 30% heavier. I might not be able to contraband the bikini model you asked for.

Oh, and considering the 19ers transformed "Fire McCrimmon" to "Set fire to McCrimmon", maybe they should get rid of Meech, Leino and May by then, too.

Baroque said...

I think Osrt will be fine - he will be there with his girlfriend, and if he gets out of control I'm sure she will jerk his chain. But good. :)

Besides, most guys who talk a lot are really pretty harmless.

And those of us who won't be drinking will keep our eyes open for potential drunken escapades, take a few quick pictures, and then stop the person from embarrassing himself any further (or herself).

Baroque said...

Shit, my bag just got 30% heavier. I might not be able to contraband the bikini model you asked for.

FedEx the pants ahead of time. Or the bikini model. Whichever is easier.

Guilherme Calciolari said...

FedEx the pants ahead of time. Or the bikini model. Whichever is easier.

Bikini models. Definitely.

Baroque said...

And you forgot that someone has to be behind Guilherme when he catches sight of Darren Helm, because someone will need to break his fall if he passes out. ;)

J.J. from Kansas said...

You better believe if I was going to this shindig, I'd end up on the catwalk. You know why? Because I'm too sexy for my shirt and yeah on the catwalk, on the catwalk yeah, I do my little turn on the catwalk.

Man, you guys are lucky.

I'll likely be DVRing this game and selling DVD copies without the express written consent of the National Hockey League and the Detroit Red Wings. I gotta tell you that if the Wings score a goal and I don't hear an entire section chanting "PIIIIIINKY PIIIIIIIINKY PIIIIIIIIIINKY", I'm going to be a bit disappointed.

jennyquarx said...

These are awesome.

pilgrim said...

You don't think nearly everybody is going to be saying, "aLol(TM Tyler)" at every wisecrack, Tyler?

Triple Deke Staff said...

You know why? Because I'm too sexy for my shirt and yeah on the catwalk, on the catwalk yeah, I do my little turn on the catwalk

+1Lol

You don't think nearly everybody is going to be saying, "aLol(TM Tyler)" at every wisecrack, Tyler?

They can say that, as long as they have the express written consent of my mother and five dollars to hand to me every time that it's mentioned. I will also settle for a free hotdog.

Osrt said...

"Unless you have blonde hair, killer eyes, you can backcheck like crazy and you [wear] #51, because then you might be in actual danger."

Man o' man, I thought you were talking about Sophia for sure until the #51 thing.

O. M. G.

I think I just figured out how to live out my ManCrush. It'll just have to be with a woman, which, I guess, will have to do.

And since I'm hosting our little sausage fest, I demand at least Tired Thirds on those bikini models. Puff puff give man...that's all I'm sayin'.

cmk said...

About 75% of these 'no-nos' are reasons why I won't be at the game--I just CAN'T be trusted. (I truly wish I could be there--not going to happen, though. {sigh})

Baroque said...

But here is the question, Osrt -

Did you fall for Sophia because she reminds you of Filppula, or did you fall for Filppula because the universe was giving you a foreshadowing of what was to come later?

Nate A said...

"Unless you have blonde hair, killer eyes, you can backcheck like crazy and you [wear] #51, because then you might be in actual danger."

Damn, I might have to rethink my plan to purchase a Filppula Jersy. Maybe I'll go with Eaves instead. I heart Eaves

Nati said...

Hey ps Orst I met Filppula tonight at a signing at Lakeside mall. Boys got some game, enough to make me blush. I always knew he was a great player but didnt really get the whole girl hype about the guy, but man does he know how to make a girl smile.

Jimmy was there too. Both real nice guys

Osrt said...

Baroque: Chicken-Egg paradox. I'm just super happy to have both in my life and am looking forward to making a blond sandwich. Woo.

Nati: I hate you. No, seriously. I'm convinced that if I blush and giggle in front of Fil, he'll give me his phone number and address. As Voox might say, Fil is for closers.

Baroque said...

Just don't embarrass your girl, Osrt - she sounds like a wonderful person. Certainly has the patience of Job if she is willing to put up with you. :)

Triple Deke Staff said...

Man I wish I knew about the Fil & Jimmy signing. I would've explained to Jim about how I totally always believed in him and that Hockeytown Todd was talking all that smack about him. And then Todd would appear out of a smoke cloud like a ninja and karate chop my ears off.

Sophia is real cool. I think she'd be down with you three at least having a tea party or something.