MINNESOTA WILD @
Wild: 31-28-6 (68 points), 12th in West | Wings: 31-23-12 (74 points), 9th in West
As things stand now in the Western Conference, the Wings -- the
Tuesday night, the Wings played the Flames. The Wings lost, the Flames leap-frogging them in the process. And people flipped. The fuck. Out.
While we as a fan base have reacted to this up-and-down season with every conceivable human emotion, there is absolutely no telling what could happen to the lot of us should we be on the outside looking in to the playoffs in April. Many Wings fans have either forgotten how to function when such a travesty occurs or are simply too young to have ever experienced it*. Should the unthinkable happen, every member of the Wings nation will appear to society as this guy. Yep. You are correct. I actually referenced that.
* I belong to the latter group, and let me just say, we are such assholes. I mean really, we are like those wretched kids from Super Sweet 16 who get pissed when their parents buy them the wrong colored pony for their birthday party. "BAAAH, the Wings haven't missed the playoffs since I was in preschool!" No fuck, for real? A Leafs fan just overheard you and now your house is burning to the ground. Congratulations.
So is there a contingency plan in place for what to do if they don't make it? Of course not, that's why I have this blog. Below are 5 things to do instead of watching the Wings from April to June.
#1 ~ Check out the other TV programming during the 7:00 time slot
If you're like me, then you are incredibly narcissistic and detail your abs with makeup in the event that your apartment ever has to be evacuated while you're shirtless and the neighbor girls can be impressed with how shredded you are because it will be dark out and they won't be able to tell the difference. Also, you don't watch any TV shows other than sports.
You won't want to watch other hockey teams because it will only make you cry tears of blood, so how about seeing what else is on? I literally haven't watched a real TV show in ages, so this will be quite the adventure. Let me flip open the ol' TV Guide here ..... alright, 7:00 pm, Eastern time. Hmmm, we can watch The Ghost Whisperer? I bet that's a spin-off of The Horse Whisperer, only now the horses are dead and Robert Redford is talking to their ghosts. Count me in for that. In fact, we'll live blog it, and get attached to all the horse ghosts and have stupid nicknames for them that only we will know, like "Legs" and "Posthumous Pete". And what's really telling is that this actually sounds less depressing than the Wings missing the playoffs.
#2 ~ Start a blog
I already have one, so I'll just have to kill myself or something. But for those of you witty typists out there who only float from site to site, now is your chance. Don't start a Wings blog though, that would be fucking stupid. Start a Hartford Whalers blog. Seriously, it would be revolutionary. You'd be the Neil Armstrong of basement-dwellers. Do whatever you can to recover tapes of old Whalers games, and then do game previews and recaps and analyze the
#3 ~ Reconnect with your spouse / significant other
The Wings have been on three straight long playoff runs. Loosely translated: you haven't talked to your other half since 2006. You have forgotten what they look like, and they are sleeping with somebody else as you read this. They actually filed for divorce during the Finals last year when you weren't looking. You are single right now. You are holding a conversation with your Karen Newman calendar as if she is listening and you are destined to die alone.
So to fix this, go call up that someone and start what people in real life refer to as a "conversation." You use your lips and tongue to form words, which strung together create sentences. If you are fortunate enough to receive a response, you will begin to once again look like a functioning member of civilization. (Note: conversations are meant for human-to-human interaction only. Conversing with lifeless objects, such as a toaster oven or a gym bag, is not a wise practice as it will startle family members and likely end with you in prison.)
If the whole communication thing isn't for you, try hardcore drugs instead. Cocaine will certainly fill the void in your life where Red Wings hockey used to be, and then some.
Wikipedia tells us that "smoking freebase or crack cocaine is most often accomplished using a pipe made from a small glass tube, often taken from "love roses" small glass tubes with a paper rose that are promoted as romantic gifts. These are sometimes called "stems", "horns", "blasters" and "straight shooters". A small piece of clean heavy copper or occasionally stainless steel scouring pad serves as a reduction base and flow modulator in which
The typical reaction to cocaine is a feeling of euphoria and energy, as it has quite a profound effect on your nervous system. If you don't believe me, just ask personal friend and longtime reader of TTD, Tim Meadows:
While succumbing to cocaine may seem like a
# 5 ~ Whore your fanhood out to another
If you absolutely don't want to do anything else besides watching hockey, this is a last resort. This isn't a permanent switch of course -- just long enough so that your bandwagon stank can jinx the hell out of whatever
.... Based on obvious reasons, Pittsburgh, San Jose, St. Louis, Chicago and Colorado are all out. Probably throw Calgary and Nashville in there too.
.... Phoenix is out because my sources tell me Bettman is controlling them with a Playstation controller.
.... No to the Kovalchuk-less Thrashers ......or even the Kovalchuk-y Devils. Can't ever get behind the Devils. It just feels unnatural, like the time I thought it would be clever to shave my legs in order to make a beard. That's what wanting New Jersey to win feels like.
.... The Flyers are an interesting case, because they're almost like a cartoon character. I don't know exactly what that means, but in my head it makes sense. I'd almost pull for them to make it out of the Eas-- oh wait -- Pronger. Yeah. Fuck that. What am I doing.
.... Dallas, New York, Florida, Boston, Vancouver: no.
.... I've never cared for the
.... I don't mean to stereotype (actually that's precisely what I'm doing), but just about every single Canadiens fan that plays NHL 10 is a cheating, glitching bag of dicks. And I hate the Canadiens now because of this.
.... I like the Wild, Kings and the Caps. But sitting at #1 at the moment is: the
That's it for the list, which by the way is completely moot because the Wings are making the playoffs.