March 11, 2010

The Survival Guide to a Detroit-less Stanley Cup Playoffs


MINNESOTA WILD @ DETROIT RED WINGS

7:30 -- Joe Louis Arena

Wild: 31-28-6 (68 points), 12th in West | Wings: 31-23-12 (74 points), 9th in West
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As things stand now in the Western Conference, the Wings -- the Detroit Red Wings -- are not in the postseason. They sit in the 9 hole behind the Flames, who are one point ahead.

Tuesday night, the Wings played the Flames. The Wings lost, the Flames leap-frogging them in the process. And people flipped. The fuck. Out.

While we as a fan base have reacted to this up-and-down season with every conceivable human emotion, there is absolutely no telling what could happen to the lot of us should we be on the outside looking in to the playoffs in April. Many Wings fans have either forgotten how to function when such a travesty occurs or are simply too young to have ever experienced it*. Should the unthinkable happen, every member of the Wings nation will appear to society as this guy. Yep. You are correct. I actually referenced that.

* I belong to the latter group, and let me just say, we are such assholes. I mean really, we are like those wretched kids from Super Sweet 16 who get pissed when their parents buy them the wrong colored pony for their birthday party. "BAAAH, the Wings haven't missed the playoffs since I was in preschool!" No fuck, for real? A Leafs fan just overheard you and now your house is burning to the ground. Congratulations.

So is there a contingency plan in place for what to do if they don't make it? Of course not, that's why I have this blog. Below are 5 things to do instead of watching the Wings from April to June.


#1 ~ Check out the other TV programming during the 7:00 time slot

If you're like me, then you are incredibly narcissistic and detail your abs with makeup in the event that your apartment ever has to be evacuated while you're shirtless and the neighbor girls can be impressed with how shredded you are because it will be dark out and they won't be able to tell the difference. Also, you don't watch any TV shows other than sports.

You won't want to watch other hockey teams because it will only make you cry tears of blood, so how about seeing what else is on? I literally haven't watched a real TV show in ages, so this will be quite the adventure. Let me flip open the ol' TV Guide here ..... alright, 7:00 pm, Eastern time. Hmmm, we can watch The Ghost Whisperer? I bet that's a spin-off of The Horse Whisperer, only now the horses are dead and Robert Redford is talking to their ghosts. Count me in for that. In fact, we'll live blog it, and get attached to all the horse ghosts and have stupid nicknames for them that only we will know, like "Legs" and "Posthumous Pete". And what's really telling is that this actually sounds less depressing than the Wings missing the playoffs.


#2 ~ Start a blog

I already have one, so I'll just have to kill myself or something. But for those of you witty typists out there who only float from site to site, now is your chance. Don't start a Wings blog though, that would be fucking stupid. Start a Hartford Whalers blog. Seriously, it would be revolutionary. You'd be the Neil Armstrong of basement-dwellers. Do whatever you can to recover tapes of old Whalers games, and then do game previews and recaps and analyze the team like it's actually still happening. I want to read some ideas for line combinations involving Geoff Sanderson. You can't tell me I'm the only one who would read this.


#3 ~ Reconnect with your spouse / significant other

The Wings have been on three straight long playoff runs. Loosely translated: you haven't talked to your other half since 2006. You have forgotten what they look like, and they are sleeping with somebody else as you read this. They actually filed for divorce during the Finals last year when you weren't looking. You are single right now. You are holding a conversation with your Karen Newman calendar as if she is listening and you are destined to die alone.

So to fix this, go call up that someone and start what people in real life refer to as a "conversation." You use your lips and tongue to form words, which strung together create sentences. If you are fortunate enough to receive a response, you will begin to once again look like a functioning member of civilization. (Note: conversations are meant for human-to-human interaction only. Conversing with lifeless objects, such as a toaster oven or a gym bag, is not a wise practice as it will startle family members and likely end with you in prison.)


#4~ Cocaine

If the whole communication thing isn't for you, try hardcore drugs instead. Cocaine will certainly fill the void in your life where Red Wings hockey used to be, and then some.

Wikipedia tells us that "smoking freebase or crack cocaine is most often accomplished using a pipe made from a small glass tube, often taken from "love roses" small glass tubes with a paper rose that are promoted as romantic gifts. These are sometimes called "stems", "horns", "blasters" and "straight shooters". A small piece of clean heavy copper or occasionally stainless steel scouring pad serves as a reduction base and flow modulator in which the "rock" can be melted and boiled to vapor." It's simple AND educational.

The typical reaction to cocaine is a feeling of euphoria and energy, as it has quite a profound effect on your nervous system. If you don't believe me, just ask personal friend and longtime reader of TTD, Tim Meadows:





While succumbing to cocaine may seem like a giant step for you to take, it really isn't all that different from being a hockey fan. Money that you don't spend on tickets, cable packages and merchandise can all go to the coke fund and your family will resent you for putting them second to your destructive habit. You are also equally likely to bleed for no apparent reason and pass out at your work desk at 1:30 in the afternoon.


# 5 ~ Whore your fanhood out to another team

If you absolutely don't want to do anything else besides watching hockey, this is a last resort. This isn't a permanent switch of course -- just long enough so that your bandwagon stank can jinx the hell out of whatever team you choose and they get knocked out. Let's utilize some process of elimination here on all teams that are at least 12th in their conference:

.... Based on obvious reasons, Pittsburgh, San Jose, St. Louis, Chicago and Colorado are all out. Probably throw Calgary and Nashville in there too.

.... Phoenix is out because my sources tell me Bettman is controlling them with a Playstation controller.

.... No to the Kovalchuk-less Thrashers ......or even the Kovalchuk-y Devils. Can't ever get behind the Devils. It just feels unnatural, like the time I thought it would be clever to shave my legs in order to make a beard. That's what wanting New Jersey to win feels like.

.... The Flyers are an interesting case, because they're almost like a cartoon character. I don't know exactly what that means, but in my head it makes sense. I'd almost pull for them to make it out of the Eas-- oh wait -- Pronger. Yeah. Fuck that. What am I doing.

.... Dallas, New York, Florida, Boston, Vancouver: no.

.... I've never cared for the Ottawa Senators at all.

.... I don't mean to stereotype (actually that's precisely what I'm doing), but just about every single Canadiens fan that plays NHL 10 is a cheating, glitching bag of dicks. And I hate the Canadiens now because of this.

.... I like the Wild, Kings and the Caps. But sitting at #1 at the moment is: the Buffalo Sabres. Always like the scrappy Lindy Ruff bunch. American hero Ryan Miller backstops a mostly likable team, from another former Spartan Tim Kennedy to Detroiter Mike Grier to former Wing great Matt Ellis. I'm also a big Tyler Myers fan, who in addition to sharing a first name and a city of birth with your's truly also has an awkwardly long and skinny neck. In recent years I have fattened up the neck a little bit with the aid of Taco Bell's cheesy gordita crunch, but I still recall playing little league baseball and thinking that the weight of the helmet would snap my feeble neck off of my shoulders.

****

That's it for the list, which by the way is completely moot because the Wings are making the playoffs.


17 comments:

Baroque said...

But the Devils have Zach Parise. You wouldn't even cheer for Zach to do well in the playoffs? :)

I'm rooting for Buffalo to come out of the East, too. I like them in spite of their slug logo.

Andy said...

Dude, I love you! That was great.

I would totally read a Hartford Whalers blog. Or a Jets blog.

The Flyers used to be my team in the East because they hate the Pens so much. Then they traded for Pronger. I guess I'll have to go with Buffalo.
If the Wings miss the playoffs, we all could make our blogs Sabres blogs for the playoffs

J.J. from Kansas said...

I'm starting a Whalers cocaine-addict Buffalo-cheering blog. We're actually going to spend all of our time covering reruns of Scrubs and talking about why there's suddenly a lot more noise in my house and less money in my bank account.

Guilherme Calciolari said...

The Wings are not missing the playoffs!

That said, Libertadores Cup playoffs start a little after the Stanley Cup playoffs. Vai Corinthians!

Sprout said...

I've been considering becoming a Caps fan, they seem to win a lot and it might be nice to be following a team that does that regularly.

They also have red-ish jerseys, and score lots of goals. Combine that with the nasty defensive failures that seem to happen to them and I could almost pretend that they are the Wings from last year.

Rob said...

I'm with Andy on this one. The Flyers were always my Eastern Conference team until they picked up Pronger. When they did that I discovered that GM Paul Holmgren was actually an avid fantasy league player, who only picked Flyers in an attempt to secure a win in the PIM category every week.

J.J. from Kansas said...

Also, we got a video baby monitor. If you're good, I'll hook it up so that the camera's facing my TV and you can watch it outside in the bushes. The picture quality's not great, but it's got night-vision and sound.

LaurenH said...

I've thought for the past few years that I might be a Sabres fan if at some point the Wings and everything related to them was demolished in a suspicious arson ring, so I could go for that (even though we're making the playoffs. I will admit it COULD be a shorter run this year)

The Flyers have always inexplicably made me giggle pretty much every time I hear them mentioned which would normally make them OK until....yeah, Pronger. Also, I'd think their fans may have set those fires (not sure why, maybe they got it all wrong trying to hurt Pittsburgh by destroying what they LOVE and accidentally destroyed what they LOATHE)

J.J. from Kansas said...

No sports fan in the city of Philadelphia deserves happiness, therefore I cannot possibly pull for the Flyers, even if Chris "Fisix" Pronger didn't play for them. I generally don't like to play one fanbase is better than another, but I think that Philly fans are automatically the worst, no matter what sport they're cheering. They've continuously booed injuries (both on and off the field), they booed children, THEY BOOED SANTA CLAUS.

It's possible to like individual Philadelphians, but as a whole, that group deserves misery.

Triple Deke Staff said...

I love you too, Andy. Really. Deeply.

Viva Corinthians!

Triple Deke Staff said...

It's possible to like individual Philadelphians,

The top of that list has to be DJ Jazzy Jeff.

AxeMaster9 said...

Great post. I'm a bit late but live blogging here as promised. Cant get the friggin game on TV. NHL Center Ice- $35 a month. NHL Gamecenter- $20.99. Not being able to watch the ONE FUCKING GAME you want to watch twice in a week- Pricefuckyounhlless.
Good to see Hank get a couple points. Dats is a beast. And they brought back the filet o fish. Good omens all around

AxeMaster9 said...

The LB thing might not work here because of the delay for the comment to show up. I wonder if there are any other options like a live chat thing like the Wysh does.

cmk said...

I can tell you there is NOTHING to watch at 7:00 PM if there isn't hockey. And I have somewhere around 200 channels to choose from. (I'm not counting the PPV porn channels--just can't quite get into that.) Although, if the Ghost Whisperer was ANYTHING like you described, I just may have to try and watch it one time--I always liked Robert Redford.

Fox said...

Ah Rob ... no doubt you were beaten in your pool by the guy who was onto Holmgren after the Carcillo - Upshall deal. I urge all you Wing fans, when the playoffs come, think Teal! Or, if you are determined to make the playoffs (and my boys worked over no-neck for you tonight) have the grace to finish 7th and ruin the Blackhawks lives ... that's not bad if you have to have a down year, izzit?

hockeychic said...

Well, I watched the Wings game and then actually watched the Flames/Sens game hoping for some happiness - none to be had. Then switched over to Preds/Sharks only to have the Preds up by 2 goals going into the 3rd and then it was called "Lessons in how not to be a goalie." At least the Preds lost which I wanted by why couldn't the Flames lose too?

Could never root for the Flyers, never, ever, ever, ever. My pick for the Eastern Conference is Caps all the way.

Oh I'm at work wearing my anti-Crosby t-shirt today. It is a picture of his face with a big red circle and line going through it. Waiting to see how many people get it.

PaulinMiamiBeach said...

" but just about every single Canadiens fan that plays NHL 10 is a cheating, glitching bag of dicks"

Yeah, what is with that? When we hear French coming through the mic in the lobby, my club automatically backs out.