April 15, 2010

Conference Quarterfinals, Game 1 -- Red Wings @ Coyotes


I can't put a better spin on this game than George Malik, who eloquently penned:

"The Red Wings lost a 3-2 decision to the Phoenix Coyotes in the opening game of the Western Conference quarterfinals for a simple reason--they allowed their wariness toward the Coyotes' unabated, uncalled, and unchecked physical play distract them from putting in the kind of detail work that wins games. The Wings lost faceoffs, one-on-one puck battles, push-and-shove-with-the-puck scrums in battling their way toward the opposition net and allowed the Coyotes to muscle their way in front of Howard all too easily, all while watching their transition game grind to a halt."

This is why you don't read Malik before writing. You're sitting there going, "Man ... that pretty much sums it up, I don't even know what to say differently, and now I've got all this free time. I guess I can go make a sandwich now. But what kind of sandwich? Probably ham. I fucking love ham. People who don't like ham are the same type of people who wear sandals to show off their messed up toenails and their feet that they never wash; I mean they probably think that they're clean because the soap in the shower runs down to the feet, but without sufficient scrubbing you're not really cleansing anything." Ham hating and unwashed feet go together like Ed Jovanovski and goat porn.

Luckily I'm nerd enough to occasionally write these things while the game is going on, so there's more to this post than foot gibberish.

Other thoughts ...

  • Jimmy looked good though. He looked as good and confident as I've seen. If we have a much lower-scale "Wings-Oilers" upset in the making, it won't be because of our goalie. It will be because the Wings were out-hustled and out-hearted by the Coyotes. Don't tell me to shut any whore mouths because I'm mentioning what you think is unthinkable -- Phoenix played like their entire team was on fire, and I've seen those type of teams beat the Detroit Red Wings in the postseason. (Shutting whore mouth.)
  • The Coyotes' 4th line is "Korpikoski - Winnik - Nokelainen". I feel like J.R.R. Tolkien is in charge of these line combinations.
  • Shane Doan took a needless shot at Homer after an offsides during the 1st period, and was in general playing like a comet with hockey pads on. After this and the Ericsson thing earlier in the year, I'm worried that you guys aren't going to let me like Shane Doan anymore. And because of that, I got a gift for you guys in an attempt at bribery. Here -- (Holds out a closed fist. Uncoils middle finger.)
  • The Homer goal -- or actually, it should be called the Bryzgalov goal -- was one of the weakest I have ever seen in the Stanley Cup playoffs. A zero screen, zero deflection, 50 foot wristshot (from Tomas Holmstrom) that was simply missed with the glove. Not all was lost for Bryzgalov as he was immediately signed by the Pittsburgh Pirates.
  • Did Nick Lidstrom really, actually, intentionally shoot that puck through three sets of legs and avoid one large ass for that power play goal? Is that even possible? Is it legal?
  • Lee Stempniak has 14 goals in 18 games since being traded from Toronto. I don't even feel like I can make a joke about an individual Maple Leaf without sounding like I'm copying Down Goes Brown, so I'll just admit it up front and copy him anyway:
"The item: The piano on Lee Stempniak's back
Missing since: March 3, 2010
Case details: The item apparently holds great sentimental value to Stempniak, since he hadn't been seen without it since November 2008."

That's too funny. And also a lot easier than coming up with my own stuff. Tune in next week when I hack Gary Bettman's Hotmail account.
  • As long as I'm continuing to defer to other bloggers, this from TSO is a must read paragraph, and one I concur with:
"Johan Franzen

Seriously guy, I love you, but I think you set our ginger movement back about 50 years tonight (I began to wonder if gingers in fact do NOT have souls). You could not have possibly played like any bigger of a wuss tonight. Crash the net you bullish mule fuck."

  • The Coyotes had the 3rd worst power play during the regular season. The Wings took the second fewest penalties. More than likely, the Phoenix PP won't have a signific-- oh god dammit they just scored on the power play again.
  • The missed high stick to Nick's face: How .... wha ....? I don't think they get more obvious than this. Puck is right next to him, so you figure someone is watching. They're standing in open ice. Nick is slightly bent over with his face leaning out into plain sight, and a stick hits it. Blood pours from his face in the form of liquid gold and essence and no call is made. This would've led to a 5-on-3 and could've changed the game.
  • (Pregame, Wings locker room) ...
Brian Rafalski -- "Hey kid, wanna make a friendly wager?"

Darren Helm -- "Sure, okay sir."

Rafalski -- "Alright good, here it is: $1,000 to whoever can get their ass reamed out there the most."

Helm -- "You mean like butt sex, sir?"

Rafalski -- "No, you homo -- do I look like Jason Williams? I'm talking about getting physically destroyed by the opposition. See who can put themselves in more vulnerable positions to let Coyote players tee off with monster hits. Osgood will judge while he pretends to chart faceoffs. Whaddaya say kid, how about it?

Helm -- "I don't know sir, that sounds dangerous. And I'm not sure, but that does seem counterproductive in terms of actually trying to win the game."

Rafalski -- "What are you, a Mary? Grow a set. Without Kopecky here to get his face hollowed out, the secret gambling bug is eating away at me. I still feel kinda bad about that -- wait, no I don't. Come on kid, I need this. I NEED this."

Helm -- "Mr. Rafalski ..... do your .... do your pants really need to be off right now?"

Rafalski -- "I'll put them back on if you say yes."

Helm -- "Okay."

Let's hope that they make it back to Detroit without being turned into sawdust.

Go Wings.


Anonymous said...

Jeff - OKWingnut

As disappointed as I am with the Wings getting bitch-slapped last night (aside from a tremendous 1st 20 minutes) - your obscene adolescent humor managed to get a chuckle.

I don't ever recall the Wings getting jail-sexed so badly.

Chris said...

This was therapeutic like those quarter-fed messaging chairs in malls that keep chiropractors employed and give old men a fleeting sense of masochism while they ogle the underage girls skimping by after school. Except...nicer.


Osrt said...


So, I woke up this morning with massive genital pain and was like wtf yo. Look down and bam, balls are gone. Aw hell naw. Doan pinned a note to my empty sack, "next time show up to the party or I'll sow your tainthole shut."

This is price of being a Wings fan.

Down Goes Brown said...

Tune in next week when I hack Gary Bettman's Hotmail account.

Just don't reverse the order to make it more readable. You'll get killed for it.

Triple Deke Staff said...

Just don't reverse the order to make it more readable. You'll get killed for it..

You know, when I read your Gmail post I remember that crossed my mind for a second before I realized, "Oh god somebody is going to be a troll and say something. I am a troll."

Baroque said...

I had no problems with the reversed order. It's artistic license!

hockeychic said...

Brilliant as usual.

Could we please win some defensive zone faceoffs tonight?

Dan said...

The pregame pep talk, priceless.

Sort of says it all...