What could be more self-serving than this -- neglecting game recaps and ignoring our readership for days on end, and then come back only to talk about something that is mainly about us and admittedly pointless. Well I'll tell you what's more self-serving: Rape. Yeah. Raping is pretty much worse. So to all of you whiny complainers out there (i.e: the one guy who politely emailed to see where we've been) that sound you hear is "perspective". And that sharpness in your chest is "shame". And that dampness in your underpants is the proper reaction to seeing a new post on our site. (Wow, you are weird.)
This was our official East and West predictions.
The opposite of self-serving is "self deprecation", so says official TTD Jewish Correspondent Sam Bernstein. With this knowledge, we will look at some of the pointless prediction highlights.
"#13 ~ OTTAWA SENATORS"
"Pascal Leclaire has had one good season and is coming off major ankle surgery, so I don't picture him being the savior of anything"
This much was true, but it was easier than predicting the sun to come up and not tell racist behind Africa's back. (Not because a talking sun is "highly unlikely" or some other witchcraft, but because the sun is a model citizen and wouldn't even think about performing such a vile act. Our sun is grand, and it is bold. It's like the Kirk Cameron of suns.)
Ottawa surprised me by finishing 5th. Little did I know that some guy named Brian Elliot would take the job away from Leclaire and do well enough to become the Senators' starting playoff goaltender -- a job which an Applebee's dish washer would be over-qualified for.
#15 ~ PHOENIX COYOTES
#14 ~ COLORADO AVALANCHE
"Take your pick between Colorado and Phoenix for worst in the West. I give the slight nod to Phoenix because Colorado's defensemen run a tad bit deeper, but then you're getting into "tallest midget" territory."
Fast forward seven months and I am legitimately scared of Ilja Bryzgalov and the hard charging Coyote lineup. How scared am I? Scared enough that I told Chris Hollis that I think the Wings will win in 4 games. Right. That doesn't make any sense. Hey, nobody's making you read this stupid shit.
#12 ~ LOS ANGELES KINGS
"I've decided that I like the lineup the Kings have, so I'm going to be a closet Kings fan this year. Well actually if I just told you then I guess it's not really a "closet" type of deal. But then again you all assume that I'm a raving homosexual and I've never officially come out of the closet, so I guess..."
I should've went with this instinct and moved the Kings higher in favor of some other dumb selection. I still really like that lineup and do not want to face them again this season. Coach Terry Murray also brings me fond memories of 1997; not just the Stanley Cup, but also playing street hockey for 15 hours a day and leading my baseball team with "most times getting hit in the sack after misplaying a ground ball". I suppose that last one is only fond in retrospect.
"#3 ~ BOSTON BRUINS
Something about this team is just screaming "let down" to me, but I can't really back that up with anything,"
Oh I don't know, how about some common sense? So many of their guys had too-good-to-duplicate years in 2008-09, it would've been quite an achievement to come close again. I love Tim Thomas but my gut said that he couldn't possibly post the same season back-to-back. Even better, I picked the Bruins to advance to the Finals.
"#8 ~ EDMONTON OILERS
Every single year -- every single year I think the Oilers are going to be better than they actually are. This year is no different. By me saying they will squeak into the playoffs probably means that they'll actually finish 13th. They've got a bunch of talented forwards who probably won't put up as many points as I think, a group of talented defensemen who probably aren't as deep as I think, and a goalie who is probably a lot more average than anyone thinks. I know this, and yet I can't help myself."
"#6 ~ MINNESOTA WILD
Ooo, this one is fun.
"I keep reading about how the Wild don't have enough offense, and I disagree."
(12th in the West in goals per game.)
"They aren't going to blow anyone out of the building,"
(Yes, run with this thought.)
"but I think they'll be good enough to make the playoffs at the very least."
("the very least" -- like I was clearing my May schedule for a Minnesota road trip for the Conference Finals.)
"They've also got a great set of defenders and a superb goaltending tandem."
(11th in West in goals allowed.)
"With the shackles of the Lemaire system taken off, this could be exactly like the 2005-06 Detroit Pistons regular season, when Flip Saunders came in and a great defensive team added more of a scoring dimension to their game -- except this would involve a lot more white people."
(With the shackles of the Lemaire system taken off, the Devils won 48 games and the Wild were exactly like the 2009-10 Detroit Pistons.)
"#1 ~ DETROIT RED WINGS
Holmstrom - Datsyuk - Franzen
Cleary - Zetterberg - Bertuzzi
Leino - Filppula - Williams
Maltby - Helm - Draper
Lidstrom - Rafalski
Kronwall - Stuart
Lebda - Ericsson
Look at that team. Not just the names themselves, but the tornado shape is creates as you go down the lines. It must be some kind of sign, right? Of course it is. The Red Wings are totally going to Bill Paxton their way through the West this season like a renegade F5."
I meant the playoffs! The playoffs are Bill Paxton Time! Come on Wings, it's time to channel a time in which Helen Hunt was almost considered reasonably attractive, almost, kind of, well whatever, and tear though the Western Conference.