June 1, 2010

One More Year


Ansar Khan -- who can be wrong for the rest of his life so long as this is true -- says that Nick Lidstrom is returning on a one year contract. I think I will cry now. (Mainly because of my own stench; I haven't showered since like Game 2 of the Sharks series. But sort of because of Nick.)

Now, what I'm about to do is going to make you not read this site ever again: I'm going to Twitterlink myself. Then I'm going to quote myself from my own link:

"In honor of Lidstrom's return, I will not go to the bathroom for the rest of the week. The Perfect Human does not poop."

And now that you're not reading, here are some other ways that we can honor one more year of our captain by emulating his flawlessness.


  • Follow my lead and not poop. Just eat a lot of cheese (or avoid it completely ... I know it has to be one or the other for you) and hold on for dear life.
  • When spotting an attractive lady while walking down the street, refrain from "hollering" at her, gluing yourself to her leg and dry humping until you pass out from heat exhaustion. Instead, tell her that she is a valued member of our society and should be treasured for her unsurpassed intellect.
  • Nick draws obvious comparisons to Jesus Christ because of his serene and peaceful aura, his fashionable sandals, and his love of all Earthly creatures. Yes, "even Ville Leino." Go 20 minutes today without thinking about framing Leino for Grand Theft Larceny Murder Kidnapping Arson Double Murder Rape.
  • If you write a blog, stop writing it. Basement-dwelling pussies write blogs.
  • Duplicate his diet of peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and angel tears.
  • Help an old lady cross an intersection safely by convincing all of the drivers to turn around and go volunteer at the nearest homeless shelter, all with a subtle wave of your hand.
  • Walk into your place of employment and say, "You know, even though I'm the best employee you have, and maybe the best that has ever worked here in the long and storied history of Such-and-Such Place, I want to continue slaving away for you BUT ONLY if you agree to pay me less money."
  • Nick is one of the greatest hockey players of all time, but is an even better family man. Out of love for his wife, he himself gave birth to all of their children. He pulled this off with a homemade womb and birth canal created from recycled pop cans.
  • It's a little known fact that Nick has never once uttered a curse word in his whole life. This cannot be imitated by you even for one week, because it is impossible to sit through an entire home Blackhawks game without screaming, "STOP PLAYING THAT FUCKING SONG" at your television.
  • Pay a bill on time. You know what Nick's credit score is? It's ☺. A fucking happy face. Seriously, it's not even a number.

10 comments:

Rob said...

Walk into your place of employment and say, "You know, even though I'm the best employee you have, and maybe the best that has ever worked here in the long and storied history of Such-and-Such Place, I want to continue slaving away for you BUT ONLY if you agree to pay me less money."

Gold.

Whoabot said...

All gold. Especially that last one. I snorted my brain out of my nose.

Lola said...

This was almost as good as actually hearing the news Lidstrom was re-signed. Really.

Baroque said...

I would love to have a smiley face credit rating.

And I could go a week without cursing - well, before I started spending time in the blogosphere and twitterverse. Corrupting influences abound in cyberspace (and I love you all even more for that). :)

Rob R said...

"It's a little known fact that Nick has never once uttered a curse word in his whole life. This cannot be imitated by you even for one week, because it is impossible to sit through an entire home Blackhawks game without screaming, "STOP PLAYING THAT FUCKING SONG" at your television."

Definitely did that word-for-word last night after the Blackhawks won.

J.J. from Kansas said...

To try to emulate Lidstrom would go so badly, that it would take away from how awesome he is. Instead, I'll help to contrast it by demanding four years and $5M per year with a straight face, all while playing the worst hockey since the lockout all while being over 35, meaning my retirement would count against the cap anyway.

Wait, Sergei Gonchar already did that? Well, nevermind...

Maybe instead I'll hem and haw all summer long about whether I want to come back, forcing my team to make some painful salary cap moves when I do decide that I want to play, but only for half a season.

What? Goddamnit Niedermayer!

Ooh, I've got it! I'll sign immediately and for a lot, but then in the offseason, I'll blame my wife for hating where I play and demand to be traded...

Chris Prong...who?

cmk said...

"It's a little known fact that Nick has never once uttered a curse word in his whole life."

I have a theory that in every hockey player's contract it is stated that he HAS to use 'F***' at least once every season. The day I see/hear Lidstrom, Datsyuk, and Filppula say it, will be the day my theory is proven. ;)

Erin said...

@cmk

Does it have to be in English to fit into your theory? I have a feeling a few Russian f-bombs have been uttered by Pav over the years.

cmk said...

Erin: Yes, yes it has to be in English. I think that's the first English word the non-English speaking players learn. ;)

Erin said...

hahaa...you're probably right, cmk!