Ansar Khan -- who can be wrong for the rest of his life so long as this is true -- says that Nick Lidstrom is returning on a one year contract. I think I will cry now. (Mainly because of my own stench; I haven't showered since like Game 2 of the Sharks series. But sort of because of Nick.)
Now, what I'm about to do is going to make you not read this site ever again: I'm going to Twitterlink myself. Then I'm going to quote myself from my own link:
"In honor of Lidstrom's return, I will not go to the bathroom for the rest of the week. The Perfect Human does not poop."
And now that you're not reading, here are some other ways that we can honor one more year of our captain by emulating his flawlessness.
- Follow my lead and not poop. Just eat a lot of cheese (or avoid it completely ... I know it has to be one or the other for you) and hold on for dear life.
- When spotting an attractive lady while walking down the street, refrain from "hollering" at her, gluing yourself to her leg and dry humping until you pass out from heat exhaustion. Instead, tell her that she is a valued member of our society and should be treasured for her unsurpassed intellect.
- Nick draws obvious comparisons to Jesus Christ because of his serene and peaceful aura, his fashionable sandals, and his love of all Earthly creatures. Yes, "even Ville Leino." Go 20 minutes today without thinking about framing Leino for Grand Theft Larceny Murder Kidnapping Arson Double Murder Rape.
- If you write a blog, stop writing it. Basement-dwelling pussies write blogs.
- Duplicate his diet of peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and angel tears.
- Help an old lady cross an intersection safely by convincing all of the drivers to turn around and go volunteer at the nearest homeless shelter, all with a subtle wave of your hand.
- Walk into your place of employment and say, "You know, even though I'm the best employee you have, and maybe the best that has ever worked here in the long and storied history of Such-and-Such Place, I want to continue slaving away for you BUT ONLY if you agree to pay me less money."
- Nick is one of the greatest hockey players of all time, but is an even better family man. Out of love for his wife, he himself gave birth to all of their children. He pulled this off with a homemade womb and birth canal created from recycled pop cans.
- It's a little known fact that Nick has never once uttered a curse word in his whole life. This cannot be imitated by you even for one week, because it is impossible to sit through an entire home Blackhawks game without screaming, "STOP PLAYING THAT FUCKING SONG" at your television.
- Pay a bill on time. You know what Nick's credit score is? It's ☺. A fucking happy face. Seriously, it's not even a number.