10 ~ CRACKLIN' OAT BRAN
Cracklin' Oat Bran narrowly edges out Frosted Mini Wheats to squeeze onto this list. Truth be told, I haven't tasted the C.O.B. in years, but my dad used to by this stuff every week when I was a little kid. It's the only cereal he'd eat, and because of that I always had to steal it to eat it. I'd always want some and ask him if I could have a bowl, and then we'd go through this 5 minute process where he would stare at the half-eaten box, then look back at me like he was contemplating donating me a kidney, and ultimately, pull the "look over there!" point-and-run getaway. I cherished the few bowls that I had.
UPSIDE: The milk makes it truly awesome; kind of like dunking a cookie.
DOWNSIDE: You feel like you're 75 years old because it's fucking Cracklin' Oat Bran.
9 ~ SPECIAL K
Look, I am honestly, really not a woman. This cereal has a reputation for being rather girly and I just don't get it. Does it strengthen the uterus? Does it come with a complementary box of tampons? No. If you're a dude and you pour yourself a heaping bowl of Special K and tell me it's not the best damn thing you've had all week, you're lying to yourself.
UPSIDE: It's good for you, allegedly.
DOWNSIDE: Oh my god it actually does strengthen the uterus.
8 ~ KIX
"Kid tested, mother approved". I don't really give a flying shitstain if Mother approves or not, this is some high quality stuff right here. It's so simple yet so addictive. I don't think I can have less than 3 bowls in one sitting -- 2 is just never enough. I was displeased when they went the way of the berry and tried to spice it up and make it more attractive to the kiddie crowd. What's not to like already? It's crunchy on the outside but has that soft interior texture that pleases the palate.
UPSIDE: More taste, Less filling.
DOWNSIDE: You might eat an entire box in 15 minutes, which isn't really a good thing.
7 ~ FRUITY PEBBLES
Yabba-Dabba-Defuckinglicious. That's right, it's Fred and Barney and their fruity best, without that nag Betty barging through the door wondering why you didn't take out the trash. And there's usually an expertly crafted maze or some other zany shit like that on the back of the box. This was arguably the best cereal to come out of the Stone Age.
UPSIDE: Flavor to the max.
DOWNSIDE: You can't have more than 2 bowls without having to call in to work. It's almost too much. By bowl #3 it's like you're eating a rainbow.
6 ~ PEANUT BUTTER CAP'N CRUNCH
It's really a love/hate thing. I mean, there might not be a better tasting cereal on this list. Honestly, it's tremendous. Peanut Butter may be the best tasting thing that we humans have invented yet, but (and I think you already know where I'm going with this one) I'll be damned if I haven't had one fucking bowl of this cereal without tearing the roof of my mouth apart so bad that the milk ends up turning red. A little graphic, yes, but it's the honest truth. Seriously, are there not little microscopic razors inside each of those peanut butter balls? It's one of natures biggest cock-teases, this Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch. It tastes so good but it leaves you in shambles by the time you're half way through.
UPSIDE: Perfection of flavor
DOWNSIDE: Oral rape
5 ~ LIFE (CINNAMON)
Now, I'm not a big fan of the Life brand, but I'm pretty fond of it's cousin, Cinnamon Life. Not only is it tasty, but it's got a classic name -- you know that you're eating only the best. "He likes it! Hey Mikey!" Yeah, that little shit better like it. You'd have to be a spoiled bitch not to appreciate what's going down your throat when you're eating Cinnamon Life.
UPSIDE: It tastes good.
DOWNSIDE: There have been a few times where I've actually choked pretty bad while eating Life. There's something deceptive about it that allows me to think that I can fit like 4 bites in my mouth at once, and then BAM -- it gets me again. File this one under "Choke-y Cereals" right along with the Mini-Wheats.
4 ~ CHEX
The highest ranked of the "Old People Cereals". This one is pretty versatile...not only is it great to eat for breakfast, but it comes in a wondrous "mix" that you can eat in your car. Breathtaking in its simplicity.
UPSIDE: For some reason I can eat Chex really fast without getting sick. I guess that's good.
DOWNSIDE: It made me say "Breathtaking".
3 ~ CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH
CTC is a sultrous harlot that I nor anyone else can resist. For a brief time during my high school days, I consumed Cinnamon Toast Crunch with the relentless fervor that only one of those "80 cents-a-day" African children can relate to. I had a birthday where I literally asked for it. It was on my official list. It read "Cinnamon Toast Crunch", as if my mom couldn't fucking buy it on a regular ass grocery day. That's how hooked I was. But after a while, my interest in it tapered off....I had too much of it at once....I started seeing other cereals, and after a while, I really only sought out Cinnamon Toast Cruch for a once-in-a-blue-moon "booty call" type of morning.
UPSIDE: Oh, you.
DOWNSIDE: Hasn't quite tasted the same since 2001
2 ~ LUCKY CHARMS
What more can you say, really, than:
THEY PUT FUCKING MARSHMALLOWS IN A CEREAL!
UPSIDE: (see above)
DOWNSIDE: It kinda seems like they stole the formula for Alpha-bits and then just threw marshmallows in there to brainwash the youth of America into forgetting that Alpha-bits ever existed. But I don't know who owns what cereal or which came first or whatever.....I'm not about to go all "chicken or the egg" on everybody right now.
1 ~ CRUNCH BERRIES
No other possible choice.
Cap'n Crunch is the absolute king of Saturday morning, the emperor of milky breakfasts, the sultan of everything that is merry and delicious and delectable about the most important meal of the day. It is simply a god. It's talented yet troubled creation, Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch, has had it's bright moments but it can't even hold the jock of its Crunch Berries. Yellow #5, fruit, milk, a bowl, what more could you want out of life.