June 7, 2010

Top Ten Cereals


Cracklin' Oat Bran narrowly edges out Frosted Mini Wheats to squeeze onto this list. Truth be told, I haven't tasted the C.O.B. in years, but my dad used to by this stuff every week when I was a little kid. It's the only cereal he'd eat, and because of that I always had to steal it to eat it. I'd always want some and ask him if I could have a bowl, and then we'd go through this 5 minute process where he would stare at the half-eaten box, then look back at me like he was contemplating donating me a kidney, and ultimately, pull the "look over there!" point-and-run getaway. I cherished the few bowls that I had.

UPSIDE: The milk makes it truly awesome; kind of like dunking a cookie.
DOWNSIDE: You feel like you're 75 years old because it's fucking Cracklin' Oat Bran.


Look, I am honestly, really not a woman. This cereal has a reputation for being rather girly and I just don't get it. Does it strengthen the uterus? Does it come with a complementary box of tampons? No. If you're a dude and you pour yourself a heaping bowl of Special K and tell me it's not the best damn thing you've had all week, you're lying to yourself.

UPSIDE: It's good for you, allegedly.
DOWNSIDE: Oh my god it actually does strengthen the uterus.

8 ~ KIX

"Kid tested, mother approved". I don't really give a flying shitstain if Mother approves or not, this is some high quality stuff right here. It's so simple yet so addictive. I don't think I can have less than 3 bowls in one sitting -- 2 is just never enough. I was displeased when they went the way of the berry and tried to spice it up and make it more attractive to the kiddie crowd. What's not to like already? It's crunchy on the outside but has that soft interior texture that pleases the palate.

UPSIDE: More taste, Less filling.
DOWNSIDE: You might eat an entire box in 15 minutes, which isn't really a good thing.


Yabba-Dabba-Defuckinglicious. That's right, it's Fred and Barney and their fruity best, without that nag Betty barging through the door wondering why you didn't take out the trash. And there's usually an expertly crafted maze or some other zany shit like that on the back of the box. This was arguably the best cereal to come out of the Stone Age.

UPSIDE: Flavor to the max.
DOWNSIDE: You can't have more than 2 bowls without having to call in to work. It's almost too much. By bowl #3 it's like you're eating a rainbow.


It's really a love/hate thing. I mean, there might not be a better tasting cereal on this list. Honestly, it's tremendous. Peanut Butter may be the best tasting thing that we humans have invented yet, but (and I think you already know where I'm going with this one) I'll be damned if I haven't had one fucking bowl of this cereal without tearing the roof of my mouth apart so bad that the milk ends up turning red. A little graphic, yes, but it's the honest truth. Seriously, are there not little microscopic razors inside each of those peanut butter balls? It's one of natures biggest cock-teases, this Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch. It tastes so good but it leaves you in shambles by the time you're half way through.

UPSIDE: Perfection of flavor
DOWNSIDE: Oral rape


Now, I'm not a big fan of the Life brand, but I'm pretty fond of it's cousin, Cinnamon Life. Not only is it tasty, but it's got a classic name -- you know that you're eating only the best. "He likes it! Hey Mikey!" Yeah, that little shit better like it. You'd have to be a spoiled bitch not to appreciate what's going down your throat when you're eating Cinnamon Life.

UPSIDE: It tastes good.
DOWNSIDE: There have been a few times where I've actually choked pretty bad while eating Life. There's something deceptive about it that allows me to think that I can fit like 4 bites in my mouth at once, and then BAM -- it gets me again. File this one under "Choke-y Cereals" right along with the Mini-Wheats.

4 ~ CHEX

The highest ranked of the "Old People Cereals". This one is pretty versatile...not only is it great to eat for breakfast, but it comes in a wondrous "mix" that you can eat in your car. Breathtaking in its simplicity.

UPSIDE: For some reason I can eat Chex really fast without getting sick. I guess that's good.
DOWNSIDE: It made me say "Breathtaking".


CTC is a sultrous harlot that I nor anyone else can resist. For a brief time during my high school days, I consumed Cinnamon Toast Crunch with the relentless fervor that only one of those "80 cents-a-day" African children can relate to. I had a birthday where I literally asked for it. It was on my official list. It read "Cinnamon Toast Crunch", as if my mom couldn't fucking buy it on a regular ass grocery day. That's how hooked I was. But after a while, my interest in it tapered off....I had too much of it at once....I started seeing other cereals, and after a while, I really only sought out Cinnamon Toast Cruch for a once-in-a-blue-moon "booty call" type of morning.

UPSIDE: Oh, you.
DOWNSIDE: Hasn't quite tasted the same since 2001


What more can you say, really, than:


UPSIDE: (see above)
DOWNSIDE: It kinda seems like they stole the formula for Alpha-bits and then just threw marshmallows in there to brainwash the youth of America into forgetting that Alpha-bits ever existed. But I don't know who owns what cereal or which came first or whatever.....I'm not about to go all "chicken or the egg" on everybody right now.


No other possible choice.

Cap'n Crunch is the absolute king of Saturday morning, the emperor of milky breakfasts, the sultan of everything that is merry and delicious and delectable about the most important meal of the day. It is simply a god. It's talented yet troubled creation, Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch, has had it's bright moments but it can't even hold the jock of its Crunch Berries. Yellow #5, fruit, milk, a bowl, what more could you want out of life.


J.J. from Kansas said...

There were never enough "F" "C" or "K" pieces in Alpha Bits.

The lack of marshmallows sucked too.

J.J. from Kansas said...

Could you explain to me, using iambic pentameter, the differences between Cinnamon Life and Cinnamon Toast Crunch? I posit to you that they are the same cereal.

Yes, I said "posit"

*holds pinky in the air, farts*

Andy said...

Here is a top four of Scandinavian cereals:

4. Tre Kronor Lingon Special (Three Crowns Lingonberry special):
This swedish gem is like the name says lingonberry flavoured. It mixes the deep taste of lingonberry with a subtle hint of Swedish meatballs. It tastes like IKEA in your mouth. Sadly, this is a bit weird as a cereal taste.

3. Kättylääiiraiinen Koskenkorva Uuahvariit (Fuck me, I don't speak Finnish)
This traditional Finnish cereal is pretty much like Corn Flakes, just rawer and nastier. Every flake is filled with enough fiber to power a regular man for a day. The two special things about it is that it is usually eaten warm in a sauna and that instead of milk you eat it with Koskenkorva Vodka. As the night proceeds, the cereal to vodka ratio gets lower and lower. This cereal is the cause of 98% of all alchohol poisionings (which stands for 94 % of deaths that aren't suicide, which again stands for 2 % of all deaths) in Finland.

2. Eyjafjallajökull delight
This Icelandic treat have small chocolate balls filled with Strawberry, when you put them in the milk they start a chemical reaction to the fizz powder and when you then chew on them, they erupt in your mouth. And leaves you with a heavy bad breath for the next few days.

1. Viking
This Norwegian cereal is made out of barley, hops and yeast. It is really like an olde Viking style brew, just in cereal form. It is dark and filling and heavy intake has been known lead to the need to rape, pillage and plunder.

Vicky said...

Ok, seriously, best cereal is French Toast Crunch, which is now discontinued in the states; but, based on the wiki I can get it in fucking Canada.... fucking Canada.

Seriously, cereal looks and tastes like french toast. Epic.

jennbikegirl said...

Cracklin' Oat Bran tastes great. Too bad it looks like dog food.

Hockey Joe said...

Good on you for having Chex up there. That said, Wheat Chex is what SNL had in mind when they had the parody ads for Colon Blow. I don't think I need to get any more graphic than I already have just now.

Denying Frosted Mini-Wheats though... Bullshit.

Chris Hollis said...

The only way Special K gets in here is if it's the "red berries" kind. Which just so happens to come in a pink box, emblematic of your soon to be uterus of steel.

J.J. from Kansas said...

I always thought Sugar Smacks got kind of a raw deal. Puffed wheat's only problem was that it tasted like cardboard. Along comes honey and BAM! instant good breakfast. But, nobody wanted to buy cereal with a frog for a mascot.

Anonymous said...

Chex cereal should only be used to make delicious puppy chow. Without peanut butter, chocolate, and powdered sugar, it tastes exactly how boring would taste if you could eat adjectives.

This list in general needs more chocolate.

cmk said...

I really haven't eaten breakfast on a regular basis since I was young--I devour coffee, instead. However, I loved Quaker Corn Bran at the time. It tasted good, held up well in milk, and always had a lot of reading material on the box. In other words, it obtained the perfect trifecta for breakfast cereals. Over the years, it has become more difficult to find--which corresponds to my shrinking need to eat breakfast. Hmmm...I wonder if there is a connection?

(Now that I'm done with my way-too-long comment, I must say: another good read--and you continue to crack me up. :D)

Norm said...

Damn you--now I want to head out to the grocery store for some cereal.

FWIW: Reese's Puffs is like a poor man's imitation of the Peanut Butter Crunch. It works.

Cocoa Pebbles>Cocoa Krispies

...and if you're gonna go Special K, you can't go wrong with the Cinnamon Pecan. It is possible to polish off a whole box in one sitting--just um, take my word for it.

Baroque said...

I heartily endorse the selection of Crunch Berries for number one.

But my favorite is Life. But I also like Apple Jacks and multi-grain Cheerios. These also can be shared with the dogs without poisoning them, which is a bonus. :)

Sullyosis said...

Apple Jacks? Count Chocula? You need to get real, TDT.

But I too must hang my balls up and admit that Special K is both a great cereal and wonderful learning institution for my retarded brother of the Kindergarten grade level. F*cking retard...

David said...

the red wings themed cereals in the late 90's were epic

Sprout said...

Andy, your Scandinavian cereals appear to rock. It's too bad we don't have such awesome food in the states.

Lauren said...

I can't believe nobody mentioned Cocoa Puffs!

Whoever posted this comment was amazing and correct all at the same time.

"Anonymous said...
Chex cereal should only be used to make delicious puppy chow. Without peanut butter, chocolate, and powdered sugar, it tastes exactly how boring would taste if you could eat adjectives.

This list in general needs more chocolate.

June 7, 2010 6:47 PM"

Cocoa Puffs beat out any type of chocolatey Rice Krispies any day of the week.

Your list raises suspicions that you are actually a woman trapped in a man's body. It's just too much fruit and not enough chocolate.

Gabriel P. said...

Kix? Seriously? Kix were what the poor kid down the street used to have to bring for lunch. We laughed at him like I'm laughing at you. Leaving Kellogg's Corn Pops off this list was tragic.

Kix is the ultimate bandwagon cereal.

And no, I have no clue what that means.

Packey said...

Coooooooooooooooooookie crisp.

Rob Masters said...

Alpha-Bits is produced by Post, while Lucky Charms is made by General Mills.
And Alpha-Bits came first, in 1958.
Lucky Charms came out in 1964.

Triple Deke Staff said...

Alright alright alright .....

I like chocolate. I like chocolate milk. I do not hate chocolate cereals, but I prefer not to have that much chocolate at 8:30 in the morning. So there is some bias there.

Mini Wheats would be Top 10 material if the whole outside was covered in frosting. You'd still have the brunt of it consisting of wheat, in that case.

As for Special K, Kix, Chex, etc ... it's the way it goes with the milk that makes it taste great to me. On there own they taste like boring, but with milk (and dear God I'm not talking about skim milk) it's a different case.

Matt Saler said...

Megan just said very emphatically, "I don't know how Golden Grahams didn't make this list!" Yeah. What's up with that?

Apple Jacks were my go-to cereal as a kid when my mom let me get something sugary.

But the bonus of Chex/Rice Crispies/Corn Flakes and all of those is you can pile on the sugar. Good stuff.

These days it's Honey Bunches of Oats (with Almonds) or Raisin Brain. Stupid early breakfasts and having to feel full until lunch thanks to work... But occasional Cocoa Crispies...

MrsOtW said...

How do Golden Grahams get left off this list?

Triple Deke Staff said...

I love Golden Grahams, but only for the first 5 or so spoonfuls. After that they get too soggy.

MrsOtW said...

That's why I separate my bowl of Golden Grahams into like six or seven portions. That way, always crunchy.

J.J. from Kansas said...

That sounds like a lot of work just to eat some Golden Grahams.

Corn Pops get soggy faster than Kix. Once they got soggy, they were like eating tiny pillows, therefore making Corn Pops eaters pillow-biters. Kix are for people dedicated to buying the entire box and only getting 1/25th of the volume dedicated to what actually makes up cereal, there's nothing less bandwagony than that.

Cocoa Puffs were chocolate by proxy. Cheerios with sugar > Cocoa Puffs.

I will stab a motherfucker with my Dig 'Em Collector's Spoon.

Primis said...

Great call on Special K. I can sit and eat it dry, in huge quantities even.

There is an epic cereal out now called Just Bunches or something absurd. Take Honey Nut Clusters. Then remove all the flakes, and leave only the awesome clusters (which are the best part anyways). Yum.

I also love me some Smacks...

But yes, can't argue with the Crunch Berries.

John G. said...

Not only did you ask for it for your b-day but I think you asked for it for Christmas too if I recall...hahaha....classic....alright I am a douche and will go fuck myself now.