You may have noticed that the words "Mike Modano" haven't made their way to this blog yet this summer. In fact I know that you've noticed because I have received multiple emails asking if I'm exclusively writing out of a time machine now. That is not entirely true. I do have a time machine that I typically spend the month of August in because I'm a nostalgic old sap who would rather re-live the 90's than read about Brett Favre's dick or give myself an ulcer arguing over old 3rd liners ("But what about all of your Bertuzzi hate from last year?" Easily justified: it's acceptable to be a hypocrite if I am the one being hypocritical. It's only a negative characteristic when others are hypocritical by nature. This self-profiting sense of one's own hypocrisy is hypocritical unto itself, thus canceling out the hypocrisy and forming an opinion that is exemplary of genuine logic because it's done intentionally in the name of irony. The only downside is that nobody takes me seriously and I just fucked my own brain into the 5th dimension.)
But I can't avoid this forever. Modano has become such a divisive force that Chris Hollis retired, "Prodano / Nodano" has enough groundswell to form its own T-shirt line, and some of our favorite writers are re-enacting the Civil War -- except now Hollis won't be there to resolve it. He usually plays Abe Lincoln when we bloggers get together and put on history musicals for Michigan youths. I usually play Dauber from the TV show Coach.
I'm getting sidetracked here, and I need to make up for lost time. I haven't taken one stance on Mike Modano the Red Wing since news first broke that he might be coming home, so let's lay them all out at once. The following issues are all fairly black and white; 99.9% of you not only feel strongly about them one way or the other, but odds are you have a lunchbox or a bumper sticker to show your approval or disdain either way.
MODANO IS WASHED UP
No he isn't. "Washed up" is entirely useless. Just now I ran a quick Sega projection of what his 2010-11 season will look like, and it's telling me 62 points and at least 20 TTD jokes relating him to Napoleon Dynamite. Translated to real life equates to roughly 45 points and 130 TTD jokes relating him to Napoleon Dynamite. Good gravy, look at that picture. You might be thinking that that's sort of the same production as #44 put up last season, but I don't pay you to think. I pay you to read what I write and show your co-workers because I'm more egocentric than you think Mike Modano is. By a LOT. Plus, he doesn't smell like 3-week-old tuna casserole fart like Bertuzzi does, and he's at least five times smarter. Then again, so is a tuna casserole.
MODANO AS A ROAD BLOCK TO THE RE-SIGNING OF YOUNG PLAYERS
Well, Darren Helm has now been booked for two years and will be a restricted free agent after that, so there goes his end of the argument. Abdelkader will re-sign for a similar amount, and then the five guys at the bottom of the lineup of forwards can claw at each other's necks for 82+ games. It'll be great.
Are you bummed out that they won't get long term deals? Okay funny guy .... why, exactly? I love Justin Abdelkader. I l-o-v-e him. In a totally, mentally disturbing and frighteningly gay way. When he and I were at Michigan State, I would follow him to classes that I wasn't enrolled in and sit behind him in hopes that I would catch a whiff of Pert Plus off of his curly golden locks. Are you still reading this? Why in the fuck are you reading this? I've probably been arrested since you opened this page. But, uh .... yeah, I'm not dying for him to sign a 13 year deal yet. He's not ready for it, and neither is Darren Helm. Yeah I said it, Herm.
MODANO AS A ROAD BLOCK IN YOUNG PLAYER DEVELOPMENT
You may have a point. Mike Modano playing 3rd line center is going to give Abdelkader and Helm less space to move up. If everyone stays healthy for the whole year, those two aren't going to see as much ice as they would have without this signing. But the only way that everyone stays healthy for the whole year is if you do more PCP than Scott Hartnell's mom and see it in a wild dream while you're passed out under the porch swing. Todd Bertuzzi is going to tear something in the first month of the season, I'm calling it right now. I will not shut any whore mouths because he's a fragile, older power forward who miraculously - MIRACULOUSLY - made it through 2009-10 relatively unscathed. Maybe Modano himself will get injured again, who knows. Dude looks half asleep anyway, he might miss ten games from excessive napping alone.
MODANO AS A PRIMA DONNA
He's got a hot wife who does Hollywood things, so naturally, he's full of himself. He's got it made and you don't. That dick.
I'm giving this an honest thought: I might just be oblivious to this. Maybe he just loves people looking at him and hanging out with Mark Cuban a whole lot and I haven't taken note. I just don't recall hearing negative things about him. He's never said anything or done anything that has really rubbed me the wrong way. He wants a few weeks to decide his future? That's fine. I take 20 minutes to decide on what to eat for breakfast, who am I to judge.
"MODANO, OR A 3RD PAIRING DEFENSEMAN"
We won a Stanley Cup in 2008, pretty convincingly I might add, with the same core defenders, only now Brett Lebda is swimming in money in Toronto like Donald Duck. I think a relatively healthy year cures all of that nonsense. But if I'm wrong and there's a quandary of defensive issues even with a healthy squad, my money is on the whole "team needs to be shaken up a bit" thing, which wouldn't be fixed with a 5th d-man anyhow. Only time and the expiration of no-trade clauses would fix that if you know what I'm getting at.
WILLA FORD OR Z'S WIFE
Honestly, I've just always wanted to have a picture on here where Bombay's head was used to censor nipples.
MODANO AS A LIAR
As in, "He said he'd make up his mind soon..... that's, like, a total lie." This one is my absolute favorite. I could not possibly, conceivably, imaginably give less of a fuck about this. He said the words "It's Detroit or retirement", and then proceeded to be linked with 3 or 4 other teams. Didn't care, and can't see why others did so much. Maybe he said that and a few other teams came calling. I can't remember the order of events, nor do I care to double check them. He said, "The sooner, the better," and then took a couple of weeks. Didn't care, and couldn't see why others did in the slightest.
Some of my dearest of fake friends, many of whom went off in this thread, decided they had enough...... as of July 20th. I have heard people and read people who have said that he's not worth the trouble if he's going to act like this. So he could be a valuable member to the team, could bolster that whiskey dick power play and could provide some forward depth to a team that really needed it last year, but it wouldn't be worth it because he was a little off in some newspaper quotes in fucking July. Yeah I can see that.
This is a good move for the Wings, and that scares me because I am almost always wrong. Luckily for us, Kenny is almost always right. We shall see.