December 20, 2010

Game #32 -- Red Wings vs. Stars.


As I go into my DVR recordings to start the game, I notice for the first time that "NHL Hockey" is rated TV-PG for violence, language and sex. It's a violent game, obviously, and you may occasionally lip read a curse word or two. But the sex part? I have no idea. These are my best guesses:

- The possibility of the referees boning your team over.

- Hooking.

- Any game involving Krys Barch and Brad May.

- The somewhat awkward flexibility of the goaltenders.

- Excessive mentioning of "hot dogs" by Larry Murphy.

- Any game involving Mike Richards and Pierre McGuire's mouth.

- Valterri Filppula.

- J.J.'s right: the faceoff circles do look like boobs.

  • 18:20 -- The best way to start a game is drawing an early penalty and capitalizing on it. To force the other team into a mental error and put them down one, to a good team no less, that's a tough mental hurdle to overcome. Homer was running traffic in front of goal and drew an interference call, then Pavel scores on a fluttering backhander. 1-0 Wings. Actually, I change my mind: scoring three seconds in on a slapshot off the face off would be the best possible way to start a game. And I'm not ruling that shit out until Nick Lidstrom retires. Nine years from now.
  • 9:36 -- Granted I've been thinking of different ways that a hockey broadcast can be seen as sexual for the first half of this period, but I don't think I've seen the Stars get a shot on Ozzie. Wouldn't it be fitting if his 400th win came in a game where he didn't have to do anything and he benefited entirely from the team in front of him? I'm a complete asshole.
  • 7:35 -- The Unscratchable One scores, and it's 2-0 Wings. A perfect post-up from Eaves on Skrastins, he catches a perfect rebound and slams it home. Basketball words.
  • 6:04 -- Datsyuk fails to convert on a very slow pseudo breakaway attempt at the end of a shift. Stars score coming back the other way on a total flung turd of a goal from Brad Richards. Shot it standing flat footed from like 50 feet, it's three feet wide and still manages to get deflected in. This was the "Johnny Depp getting a Golden Globe nod for 'The Tourist'" of goals. 2-1 Wings.
  • 2:03 -- 2-2 game. Trevor Daley had an acre of ice to shoot.
  • 42.5 -- Employee #44 takes a fucktastically stupid penalty in the offensive zone. Jesus Christ, this guy. I think I just shat blood.

  • 20:00 -- Trevor Thompson tells us that the Wings are 8-0-1 when tied after the 1st period. Babcock lights up a cigar and mutters, "I love it when a plan comes together." Speaking of, if the A-Team was made up of Red Wings, Babcock would obviously be Hannibal, Zetterberg would be Face, Hudler would be Murdock, and Franzen would be B.A. Namely because I picture the Mule to be the one keeping Huds in check calling him a "crazy fool" while having an intense fear of flying. And because he's black.
  • 20:00 -- Player Profile: Chris Osgood. "Has a hockey rink in his backyard with an electronic scoreboard". On it, score is not kept but there is a spot where Oz has a countdown to his Hall of Fame induction, as well as a bright neon picture of him crossing through finish line tape with the number "400" stretched across.
  • 20:00 -- And I'm not ever buying that Ozzie's favorite musical act is the Black Eyed Peas. No way. Dude is from Peace River, Alberta -- his favorite musical act is listening to Dark Side of the Moon while lit beyond belief and thinking about eating the contents of his lava lamp.
  • 16:00 -- Am I the only one who doesn't give two shits about Hank's consecutive games with at least two shots streak?
  • 9:16 -- Abby drops the gloves with the well-liked Steve Ott. I'm half hoping that these Abdelkader scraps build up into an actual fight and not just a hug-fest. The other half of me thinks that Abby has a really soft looking head and fears that one punch might turn him into the Elephant Man.
  • 2:19 -- Pretty good action the last few minutes. Draper flying around, Franzen, Helm creating chances. Salei clanks one of the post with some serious ping. Ozzie makes a humongous save on a one timer from the top of the crease. Then:
  • 0:17 -- MULE, 3-2 Wings. Great last five minutes of hockey. This Homer/Pav/Mule line has been really buzzing. Raf with a great touch pass as well.

  • 19:00 -- The action continues as Oz makes a Hall of Fame caliber stop, according to Ken Daniles. Then Pav and Mule nearly team up for another goal on a 2-on-1, but as it seems to be contagious with this team, they elect to pass instead of shoot and end up without a shot on goal.
  • 13:32 -- Lengthy discussion during play of Chris Osgood's Hall of Fame credentials between Ken and Mick. I myself have spent years flip-flopping back and forth between whether I think he is or isn't. I really don't know. I toil with the whole, "If you have to really think about it, then he doesn't belong" sort of thing. Same with retiring numbers. Certainly not something to decide in one bullet point.
  • 11:55 -- And all the while, Oz is capping this off with some spectacular saves. Pretty cool. Great showing so far from the old man.
  • 11:20 -- Ken brings up the legendary Bowman/Crawford spat and mentions that Crawford's retort to Bowman's famous line was just as good. He couldn't repeat it, of course. Ken, I know you read all of these blogs so go ahead and shoot me an email. I won't tell anyone. And they don't just give away these Blogger sites to any schmuck off the streets so you know I'm reliable.
  • 10:55 -- Sellout crowd really getting into now after Helm again nearly nets one on the penalty kill. It is insane how dangerous he is 4-on-5. Every other PK he's generating scoring opportunities and near breakaways. Or drawing penalties.
  • 4:00 -- For 30 seconds there appears to be screaming coming from a child in the crowd. Coincidentally Todd Bertuzzi is not on the ice.
  • 3:14 -- Some "OZ-ZIE" chants, Mick mentions the Wings have to buckle down defensively ..... Tie A god awful turnover from Raf. For some reason, I really can't believe he just did that.

  • 3:26 -- Mike Ribiero makes some shifty moves and draws a penalty. Wings had a 2-0 lead, then a 3-2 lead with three minutes to play, and now might give up two points again at home.
  • 1:23 -- Wings kill it. I was just trying to jinx the Stars there. (I was trying to jinx a team on a DVR recording of a game that was over with seven hours ago.)
  • 0:45 -- Oh god, 3 on 1 for the Stars. They're going to score.
  • 0:41 -- They score. 4-3 Stars. Heartbreaker for Ozzie. What a fucking waste.

Long sigh. Go Wings.


Sullyosis said...

He's not black, he's Puerto Rican.

Such a bigot...

And poor Oz, Raf should be down a testicle for that shit. Why does he get to still bhave both but Lids gives his up for a playoff win?

J.J. from Lansing said...

Raffi still has two testes because they play hockey with a puck. If the damn thing were round, he'd be a woman by now with how bad his ball security is.

Man... that took a long time to get to that joke and really wasn't horribly satisfying when we got there.

Kind of reminds me of Ozzie's trek to 400 career wins.

Anonymous said...

Jeff - OKWingnut

What I find particularly disturbing about the Wings in the last several games - their apparent lackadaisical effort at managing the puck. It seems they all want to be Pavel, hang onto the puck at try to make the perfect play - - at both ends of the rink.

Sometimes it is okay to just clear the fuching puck out of your zone. Sometimes it is okay to dump the puck into the opponents zone. Sometimes it is okay to just shoot the fuching puck on net.

Actually all three of those ideas can be considered sound hockey plays. As Mick would say, sometimes the Wings just get "too damn cute."

awards golf said...

Hockey is rated TV-PG because sometimes it can get a little to violent for the small audience, specially when players get a little over acting..

Osrt said...

I've been beating it to the faceoff circle Pam Anderson Jenny McCarthy boobs since NHL 92.

hockeychic said...

I agree with Jeff. It seems like the Wings wait just a moment too long to shoot the puck. I'm losing my voice from screaming "Shoot the puck" at the tv all the time. Sometimes really talented teams have to take it down a notch and just play basic hockey to get the win.

Andy said...

Great post. But I read it right after waking up, so the first time I read it I could swear you'd written that the best way to start a game was to draw a mental picture of a penalty and capitalizing on it. My mind works in fucked up ways.

Rob Benneian said...

I was at the game, that incessant screaming you heard was a group of fans a section over me trying to do an inaudibly high pitched chant

Doug Sears Jr. said...

According to Blood Feud, it was:
Bowman: "I new your father before you did."