December 22, 2010

Liveblog -- Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Here it is, the liveblog that none of you asked for and all of you shall receive: the retelling of the greatest Christmas story of all time.

The 1964 claymation classic is surely a movie that you have seen countless times. It's likely that there is a dusty, recorded VHS copy sitting in your basement right now. I implore you to dig it out and watch along with me, and despite how much we like this movie and swear by it's greatness, we will still be forced to make fun of how odd and unintentionally funny it can be . But nevertheless it provides a nostalgic escape to a simpler time and is an annual tradition at TTD Headquarters. Without further ado, I will now press play.

  • We are greeted with black and white images of a ferocious snow storm and swirling newspaper headlines bemoaning the possibility of Christmas being postponed. I really hope Santa's sleigh can handle this weather. I hate it when the snow pushes back Christmas to February 11th, the birth date of Jesus' brother Larry Christ.
  • Our narrator Sam the Snowman waddles in, voiced by Burl Ives. As the only sane person in this movie, he provides a calming voice to put our fears of mammoth blizzards and psychotic snow men to rest. He carries an umbrella, sports a mustache, wears a vest and has a human's name, just like no other snow man ever.
  • Our first glimpse of the Claus household, the only castle at the North Pole, owned by that elitist St. Nick. Mrs. Claus is trying to get her skinny husband fattened up for Christmas Eve, like he's a offensive lineman trying to make weight for football season. "Eat. EAT," she yells. This is the only Christmas movie in the history of the world in which Santa is not fat and jolly. In fact he's the opposite: he's an 85-pound anorexic narcissist. It makes no sense. It's as if the producers were trying to do parents everywhere a favor, by bracing the children for the news of Santa's non-existence. "Well yeah he's not 'real' per se, but who cares, right? Remember the Rudolph movie? He was an asshole anyway."
  • Another oddity about this version of Santa is that he's a freak in the sack. How do I know? He and the missus refer to each other as "Mama" and "Papa". That's fucked up, man.
  • Now we are at the cave of Donner and his wife, Mrs. Donner (So his name is Donner Donner, apparently.) I feel like I should point out that Mrs. Donner is wearing pink eye shadow. She's a reindeer. Here we witness the birth of their son Rudolph, who believe it or not, was born with a strange birth defect that caused his nose to beam a shiny red light. "His beak blinks like a blinkin' beacon!" says Donner, startled. Santa then enters to congratulate the Donners and drop not so vague hints that Rudolph better grow out of that red nose bullshit, otherwise the whole neighborhood is going to call him a fucking retard.
  • Santa, verbatim: "Every year I shine up my jingle bells," then he breaks into a song. "I'm the king of jing-a-ling," he sings. I bet they had fun sneaking that one in there. Afterward, Donner scrapes up some shit off the floor of the cave and covers Rudolph's nose with it, but to no avail. He is deeply ashamed of his son.
  • We cut to Santa's workshop where the elves making toys. We are introduced to Hermey the elf, who absolutely hates making toys. One of the most annoying characters in movie history.... just a whiny, lip-stick wearing sonofabitch that doesn't understand the value of a hard day's work. I'm totally siding with Hermey's boss here, as he's going ape shit trying to get this little turd to do his job. "I don't like to make toys," Hermey says. Someday, I'd like to be a dentist!" The boss is apoplectic. He looks like somebody just told him they broke into his house and shat in his fireplace. Seething with anger, he makes Hermey finish toys instead of going on break with the other elves. Obviously, the elves aren't a part of a union.
  • Back at the cave, Donner has drummed up a way to disguise Rudolph's nose with a black cover-up. Watching this as an adult, it is astounding to see how awful they made Donner seem. The guy is a total dick. This is literally what he says to his only son: "There are things more important things than comfort. Like self respect." It's just a nose for crying out loud! I mean shit, you'd think he's a ginger or something.
  • Rudolph goes to play reindeer games, sadly without Ben Affleck getting involved. He runs into an outgoing new friend. "Hi, my name's Fireball!" The fucker has blonde hair. I myself have blonde hair and even I must admit that this is a bit weird. Shouldn't this guy be the outcast? At least Rudy's defect eventually proves to be practical in the end. Fireball on the other hand is just a dumb jock on the hunt for some doe ass.
  • At the castle, the elves have gathered to sing for Santa Claus. Santa couldn't give less of a shit about this. "Well, let's get this over with." Elves are all happy with their Christmas spirit like you would expect for a Christmas movie, and Santa all the while is bored out of his mind, probably day dreaming about different spots he's going to get laid on Christmas Eve. "Mmm. It needs work. I have to go," Santa says after removing the gun from his mouth. Best part of this scene is the wide shot of everybody just as the song ends, with Santa slouched in his chair, not paying attention and gazing out a window.
  • It's discovered that Hermey wasn't at singing practice, though. The boss elf loses his mind with anger yet again. He finds him in the workshop making toys with teeth, as Hermey tries to combine his toy-making obligations with his aspirations of becoming a dentist. "YOU'LL NEVER FIT IN," the boss shouts. Fed up with everything, Hermey runs away.
  • Back at the Reindeer games, all of the young bucks are learning to fly. Here we meet Rudolph's love interest, Clarice. Fireball, ever the poon hound, urges Rudolph to go talk to her. She tells Rudolph he's cute and he shits his pants, or at least does the reindeer equivalent and flies around for about five seconds. This impresses everybody. Rudolph then celebrates with Fireball in homoerotic fashion by rubbing their antlers together -- but suddenly, Rudolph's fake nose falls off and his red nose is revealed. Fireball reacts like he just saw the Arc of the Covenant. The entire group shuns Rudolph from playing in any more reindeer games.

  • Santa gets wind of this and confronts Rudolph's parents. "Donner, you should be ashamed of yourself." He literally says this. And not to defend that asshole Donner, but it's not like he could have prevented that. Rudolph isn't the lovechild of a reindeer and a house covered in Christmas lights. Furthermore -- could a movie this inexplicably irrational and un-P.C. fly in today's world? No way. I can't see Dora and Diego trying to celebrate Christmas at school and the principal walks in and tells them they have to jump the fence back to Mexico. That's essentially what this is.
  • Rudolph decides to run away. As fate would have it, he and Hermey meet and run away together, ironically so that they can be "independent". Here we see our first peak at the antagonist: the abominable snow monster. I can't believe I watched this shit when I was two years old. I'm 24 right now and I'm more than a little worried that this thing is going to crawl out of the TV like it's The Ring and eat my face off.
  • As Rudolph and Hermey venture through the snow, Yukon Cornelius is introduced. He's a crazy combination of an Eskimo and Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Actual line: "GOLD AND SILVER! SILVER AND GOLD! WAHOOOOO!!" Then he throws his ice pick up the air, let's it land in the snow, and licks it. You can't find two things in any movie ever that are more strange this scene. "I'm off to get corn meal and gun powder and ham hocks and guitar strings." Then the snow monster appears behind them and the three of them are forced to flee.
  • After setting sail on a severed piece of ice, they land on the Island of Misfit Toys. Charlie-in-the-Box greets them and directs them up to see King Moonracer and ask his permission for them to live on the island. As you would imagine, he's a lion with wings and looks just like Scar from the Lion King, only if Scar had 40 more pounds of muscle and didn't do coke. "King Moonracer" is just a bad-ass name, by the way. Definitely the name of my first born, boy or girl.
  • Moonracer tells them that they can't live on the island, but they can stay the night. Rudolph decides that he's putting his friends in danger by being around them, because his nose keeps attracting the snow monster. So he decides to sneak out at night and go it alone. (In the special features, Rudolph reveals that the true reason he abandoned his friends was because Yukon smelled like dead rabbits and spoiled goat milk.)
  • Now grown up, Rudolph returns home to discover his family and Clarice went looking for him. He knows where to find them: the dreaded cave of abominable snow monster. He goes there to save Clarice and the Donners, but he just can't do it on his own.
  • Wouldn't you know it -- Yukon and Hermey arrive just in time to save the reindeer. Hermey lures the monster out of the cave by making pig noises, because as Yukon says, snow monsters prefer pork to deer meat. Brilliant plan. Yukon whacks the monster over the head with a 2x4 and the two of them go tumbling over the cliff, and it appears as though the brave Yukon Cornelius sacrificed his own life to save his friends.
  • The gang makes it back to Santa's castle, grieving the loss of Yukon. But just as children new to this story were being traumatized over such a gruesome death, Yukon busts through the door. Not only is he alive, but he has reformed the snow monster and now everything is fine. Yeah okay. Hermey rips out all of the monster's teeth, Yukon pushes him over the edge and lied to him about a pork dinner, but he's totally cool in front of all these people? Yukon is either a master of hypnosis or he had a killer back of weed.
  • Santa gets the weather report and determines that Christmas has to be canceled. "Christmas is going to be canceled," he says to a dejected room of elves and reindeer. Then Rudolph's nose shines and it gives Santa a crazy idea. "Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?" Oh THE NERVE of this motherfucker. Soon as some shit's about to hit the fan he turns to the reindeer he treated like a failed abortion.
  • Best line of the whole movie: Donner says, "I knew that nose would be usefull someday. I knew all along." Kills me every time I hear that. It kills me to think that there were people who set out to write a movie in which Santa and one of his reindeer were morally corrupt douche bags.
  • Santa, a day later and about 250 pounds heavier magically, sets off to deliver presents. He would die of heart attack the next day. You can't gain that much weight in one day and not die, I'm sorry. It's physically impossible.
  • Christmas had been saved. All of the toys on the misfit island were delivered to boys and girls around the world, and Rudolph's story would be taugh us a valuable lesson of acceptance for generations. He would go down in history.

Merry Christmas


J.J. from Donner Pass said...

The Bumble still terrifies me to this day. I've seen Andreas Lilja handling the puck in his own end before and that is STILL not as terrifying as the Bumble.

Lo said...

"Obviously, the elves aren't a part of a union."

This is actually addressed in one of the greatest novelty Christmas songs of our era, Barenaked Ladies' "Elf's Lament." It the only song I know about collective bargaining at the North Pole.

Alyssa said...

Laughed my ass off! This is pure gold.

CaptNorris5 said...


Gold. All the prizes to you.

Anonymous said...

Jeff OKWingnut

It is confirmed, the staff at TTD are the most twisted mofos on the planet.

Geebuz. Merry Christmas.

hockeychic said...

Merry Christmas!

This was wonderful, thank you!

Of course, I reveal how old I am when I can recall when we had to wait for the show to be shown on network tv and they would always have a commercial break right when the snow monster showed up so I'd be freaking out through all the toy commercials.

jennyquarx said...

This is why you are my favorite.

Baroque said...

The scene where Rudolph leaves behind his friends and drifts off on an ice floe alone, and you hear, in the distance, the roar of the Abominable Snowman from over the horizon...

That was such a scary moment that my mom informs me I would run down the hallway to my bedroom and hide under my pillow to cover my ears.

Scary Bumble.

Anonymous said...

you are such a pussy ass bitch.. what a fag with no life takes time to write some dumb shit like this

Anonymous said...

what a fag that writes this crap

The Triple Deke said...

you are such a pussy ass bitch.. what a fag with no life takes time to write some dumb shit like this

thnx for reading.