HERM 6 - 2 PINKY
I've been staring at this computer for 20 minutes, not knowing how to start. That was the funnest weekend I have ever experienced. I still cannot fathom how the whole thing actually happened.
It was a little bittersweet however, as it was a bummer to say farewell to Herm and all of the cool people I got to hang out with in Detroit. Also, my heart aches a bit for those who weren't able to make it. To show my compassion for those less fortunate, I will give you the CliffNotes version of Herm 2 Hockeytown -- a running diary of our three day interweb adventure. It will be exactly like you were with us, without having to worry if Chris Hollis is going to make it out of the Town Pump alive.
- 6:00 pm -- Brent, Fake Herm and myself arrive at the candlelit love palace of Osrt. There we get to meet Herm in person, who at this point in the day had already been on a tour of Joe Louis Arena, been given a Darren Helm jersey, and probably at least sixteen other things that are more awesome than intercourse. It should be noted that when Real Herm and Fake Herm shook hands, a vortex opened up in the universe and I momentarily fell into the year 1734.
- 8:00 -- We all head down to The Old Shillelagh for drinks and bro hugs with about 20 of our internet friends. Herm is treated to a triumphant hero's welcome the likes of which only "1980's-era Hulk Hogan" has experienced. It is here that I eat the greatest basket of chicken fingers in my entire life. (Suck on that, Denny's.)
- 11:30 -- We go back to Osrt's to hold an International Spoon-off.
- 9:00 am -- Osrt picks up our Canadian buddy Voox at the airport and they return to the apartment. Voox introduces himself and says, "Hey guys, don't tell anybody, but I am in fucking LOVE with Sidney Crosby. I would do that guy. In his mouth."
- (In all seriousness, Voox is an extremely cool guy and a fun person to hang out with. He is not at all the psycho rapist that certain trolls would make you think he is.)
- 10:00 -- We eat a fantastic breakfast from a place in Ferndale that apparently is just called "Toast". The more generic the name, the better the food I suppose. This inspired Brent to open up his own office supplies store simply called "Paper & Shit".
- 12:30 -- The Triple Deke ventures into town on our own in search of some Red Wings merchandise. At some point we came across a Marian Hossa Wings jersey priced at 75 dollars. 75 dollars. I would like to have a quiet chat with the person who would pay for this and diagram on a chalkboard why they just lost at life.
- 3:00 -- Osrt makes another trip out to pick up Hockeytown Todd and Sullyosis. We meet HTT and in the process see that he has a Red Wings eye patch. Like he literally is wearing a Detroit Red Wings eye patch. Words cannot convey how badass this was. Which kind of defeats the purpose of me even bringing it up. Moving on.
- 4:00 -- Canada, Brazil and the United States were all represented in the Deke-mobile as we made our way to the Hockeytown Cafe. Herm enters the party and is immediately mobbed by anyone with a camera and/or microphone. If you're having trouble imagining the scene, just picture the part in Aladdin when Prince Ali descends upon Agrabah for the first time, only multiply that by a thousand and add Justin White from Fox Sports Detroit.
- 4:30 -- I got to finally meet the legendary Matt Saler. And knock his plate of food out of his hands and all over the buffet table. My bad.
- 5:00 -- At this point, Herm has done so many interviews that he's cooler than James Dean smoking six Marlboros at once while making a woman's skirt drop with his eyes. The entire scene is unreal; reporters and cameras, plus like 200 Wings fans all piled into one party. Then Larry Murphy popped in and asked him how to say "Murph" in Spanish. (Okay that didn't happen.)
- 5:30 -- I'm told for the 15th time how tall I am, but I am quick to respond that Petrella is actually taller when you take into account his gravity-defying hair.
- 5:30 -- Speaking of hair, Hollis' beard is about as phenomenal as they come. It's pure lumberjack. If I could somehow have a head with Petrella's hair, Hollis' beard and Saler's awesome sideburns, I'd be writing one fucking creepy sentence.
- 5:45 -- I meet J.J. from Kansas' sister Anne, who is really cool. Fortunately for the TTD staff, we all escaped without acquiring cooties -- the #1 most dangerous disease transmitted by sisters everywhere.
- 6:00 -- Herm is whisked away so that he and a few select others can watch the pregame skate from the penalty box. We were left to play bubble hockey against one another, which played out with more intensity than your typical Timberwolves/Nets game. In related news, the three of us aren't friends anymore.
- 6:15 -- I go up to the bar and ask for a coke. The girl says "2 dollars". I pull back my sleeve to reveal a wristband as if to say, "Oh, you must not know I'm 'VIP'", which I for some reason thought allowed me to get free everything. She goes, "Yeah, it's still 2 dollars." And that, ladies and gentleman, was my douchiest moment in 24 years on this planet.
- 6:30 -- We leave to go watch a hockey game.
- 7:30 - 10:00 -- FUCKYEAH
- 10:30 -- Herm gets to go down to the Wings locker room and meet Darren Helm. He was given a used stick and had it signed. Pictures were taken. They talked to each other, man. Crazy. Oh, not to mention that during the game, Herm got to meet Ken Daniels and Mickey Redmond, as well as Ken fuggin' Holland. Yeah, that Ken Holland. This event is going so well that only magic and fairy dust could have possibly pulled it off, no human could have done this. Or at least we would believe, as Jen MacRostie was soon after accused of witchcraft and burned at the stake by colonizers. She will be missed.
- 11:00 -- Michigan State FUCKYEAH
- 11:00 -- At the Town Pump, many of us gathered to drink and be merry. It was a great time. Herm was interviewed by a hockey magazine ... Sully drank enough beer to fill a small pond ... We palled around with The Scrappy Octopus crew, Serven, Ellen, Jessie, Malik, Voox, Anne from Kansas, Casey, Baroque, Hollis, like eight different Jennys, Lola of Tin Foil Hat fame, and the Chief's head on a stick ... and we still didn't get around to hanging out with everyone we wanted to. This was the fastest day in human history. I'm convinced that it was only 18 hours long.
- 1:00 pm -- After a great lunch at a coney place, it's time to say goodbye to Herm and Voox. Herm gives me a cool looking silver and gold Brazilian coin as a parting gift. Ten minutes later I spend it on blow.
- 3:00 - 5:00 -- Feeling bummed out. Should've slashed the tires on Herm's flight and kept him here. Then we said goodbye to Osrt and thanked him for his hospitality by "accidentally" leaving Brent's coat there. (The old George Castanza trick. Now we have to go back! You'll never rid yourself of us!)
- 8:30 -- Brent and I arrive at Paul Kukla's house to watch the Wings/Preds with about a dozen other people. It was like Kukla's corner ..... but in real life. Yeah, I know. Try to process that shit. Total mind-fuck.
- 8:30 -- Here we catch up with OK Jeff, the Salers, Andrew from Ann Arbor, Kris from Snipe Dangle, and others from earlier. Brent and I plop down to watch the game in Kukla's amazing sports cave, which includes a baby rhino-sized television, as well as the spot where all the magic happens: the Kukla Komputer.
- 10:30 -- Jimmy Howard is preposterous. I would like for him to also sit on my face.
We can't stress enough how much fun we had with this terrific group of people. We thank all of those who said nice things to us and assured us that we aren't douche bags. All the credit goes to the folks who worked their asses off to make this thing go as smoothly and successfully as it did. It's a long list of people.
Lastly, it must be said that Herm is a great kid and is a blast to hang out with. We were talking about how funny it was that the personalities and humor between us translate very easily across the two cultures. It's like we've all known each other in real life for several years.
In fact, that weekend went by too quickly so I'm organizing another meetup this week for all of the same people + everyone else who didn't get to go. Don't worry, it will all be on the Blogger company dime. Just contact Jennyquarx for the details.
(I'm joking. Leave that poor woman alone.)