March 29, 2010

Herm 2 Hockeytown Running Diary


HERM 6 - 2 PINKY


I've been staring at this computer for 20 minutes, not knowing how to start. That was the funnest weekend I have ever experienced. I still cannot fathom how the whole thing actually happened.

It was a little bittersweet however, as it was a bummer to say farewell to Herm and all of the cool people I got to hang out with in Detroit. Also, my heart aches a bit for those who weren't able to make it. To show my compassion for those less fortunate, I will give you the CliffNotes version of Herm 2 Hockeytown -- a running diary of our three day interweb adventure. It will be exactly like you were with us, without having to worry if Chris Hollis is going to make it out of the Town Pump alive.


THURSDAY
  • 6:00 pm -- Brent, Fake Herm and myself arrive at the candlelit love palace of Osrt. There we get to meet Herm in person, who at this point in the day had already been on a tour of Joe Louis Arena, been given a Darren Helm jersey, and probably at least sixteen other things that are more awesome than intercourse. It should be noted that when Real Herm and Fake Herm shook hands, a vortex opened up in the universe and I momentarily fell into the year 1734.
  • 8:00 -- We all head down to The Old Shillelagh for drinks and bro hugs with about 20 of our internet friends. Herm is treated to a triumphant hero's welcome the likes of which only "1980's-era Hulk Hogan" has experienced. It is here that I eat the greatest basket of chicken fingers in my entire life. (Suck on that, Denny's.)
  • 11:30 -- We go back to Osrt's to hold an International Spoon-off.

FRIDAY
  • 9:00 am -- Osrt picks up our Canadian buddy Voox at the airport and they return to the apartment. Voox introduces himself and says, "Hey guys, don't tell anybody, but I am in fucking LOVE with Sidney Crosby. I would do that guy. In his mouth."
  • (In all seriousness, Voox is an extremely cool guy and a fun person to hang out with. He is not at all the psycho rapist that certain trolls would make you think he is.)
  • 10:00 -- We eat a fantastic breakfast from a place in Ferndale that apparently is just called "Toast". The more generic the name, the better the food I suppose. This inspired Brent to open up his own office supplies store simply called "Paper & Shit".
  • 12:30 -- The Triple Deke ventures into town on our own in search of some Red Wings merchandise. At some point we came across a Marian Hossa Wings jersey priced at 75 dollars. 75 dollars. I would like to have a quiet chat with the person who would pay for this and diagram on a chalkboard why they just lost at life.
  • 3:00 -- Osrt makes another trip out to pick up Hockeytown Todd and Sullyosis. We meet HTT and in the process see that he has a Red Wings eye patch. Like he literally is wearing a Detroit Red Wings eye patch. Words cannot convey how badass this was. Which kind of defeats the purpose of me even bringing it up. Moving on.
  • 4:00 -- Canada, Brazil and the United States were all represented in the Deke-mobile as we made our way to the Hockeytown Cafe. Herm enters the party and is immediately mobbed by anyone with a camera and/or microphone. If you're having trouble imagining the scene, just picture the part in Aladdin when Prince Ali descends upon Agrabah for the first time, only multiply that by a thousand and add Justin White from Fox Sports Detroit.
  • 4:30 -- I got to finally meet the legendary Matt Saler. And knock his plate of food out of his hands and all over the buffet table. My bad.
  • 5:00 -- At this point, Herm has done so many interviews that he's cooler than James Dean smoking six Marlboros at once while making a woman's skirt drop with his eyes. The entire scene is unreal; reporters and cameras, plus like 200 Wings fans all piled into one party. Then Larry Murphy popped in and asked him how to say "Murph" in Spanish. (Okay that didn't happen.)
  • 5:30 -- I'm told for the 15th time how tall I am, but I am quick to respond that Petrella is actually taller when you take into account his gravity-defying hair.
  • 5:30 -- Speaking of hair, Hollis' beard is about as phenomenal as they come. It's pure lumberjack. If I could somehow have a head with Petrella's hair, Hollis' beard and Saler's awesome sideburns, I'd be writing one fucking creepy sentence.
  • 5:45 -- I meet J.J. from Kansas' sister Anne, who is really cool. Fortunately for the TTD staff, we all escaped without acquiring cooties -- the #1 most dangerous disease transmitted by sisters everywhere.
  • 6:00 -- Herm is whisked away so that he and a few select others can watch the pregame skate from the penalty box. We were left to play bubble hockey against one another, which played out with more intensity than your typical Timberwolves/Nets game. In related news, the three of us aren't friends anymore.
  • 6:15 -- I go up to the bar and ask for a coke. The girl says "2 dollars". I pull back my sleeve to reveal a wristband as if to say, "Oh, you must not know I'm 'VIP'", which I for some reason thought allowed me to get free everything. She goes, "Yeah, it's still 2 dollars." And that, ladies and gentleman, was my douchiest moment in 24 years on this planet.
  • 6:30 -- We leave to go watch a hockey game.
  • 7:30 - 10:00 -- FUCKYEAH
  • 10:30 -- Herm gets to go down to the Wings locker room and meet Darren Helm. He was given a used stick and had it signed. Pictures were taken. They talked to each other, man. Crazy. Oh, not to mention that during the game, Herm got to meet Ken Daniels and Mickey Redmond, as well as Ken fuggin' Holland. Yeah, that Ken Holland. This event is going so well that only magic and fairy dust could have possibly pulled it off, no human could have done this. Or at least we would believe, as Jen MacRostie was soon after accused of witchcraft and burned at the stake by colonizers. She will be missed.
  • 11:00 -- Michigan State FUCKYEAH
  • 11:00 -- At the Town Pump, many of us gathered to drink and be merry. It was a great time. Herm was interviewed by a hockey magazine ... Sully drank enough beer to fill a small pond ... We palled around with The Scrappy Octopus crew, Serven, Ellen, Jessie, Malik, Voox, Anne from Kansas, Casey, Baroque, Hollis, like eight different Jennys, Lola of Tin Foil Hat fame, and the Chief's head on a stick ... and we still didn't get around to hanging out with everyone we wanted to. This was the fastest day in human history. I'm convinced that it was only 18 hours long.

SATURDAY
  • 1:00 pm -- After a great lunch at a coney place, it's time to say goodbye to Herm and Voox. Herm gives me a cool looking silver and gold Brazilian coin as a parting gift. Ten minutes later I spend it on blow.
  • 3:00 - 5:00 -- Feeling bummed out. Should've slashed the tires on Herm's flight and kept him here. Then we said goodbye to Osrt and thanked him for his hospitality by "accidentally" leaving Brent's coat there. (The old George Castanza trick. Now we have to go back! You'll never rid yourself of us!)
  • 8:30 -- Brent and I arrive at Paul Kukla's house to watch the Wings/Preds with about a dozen other people. It was like Kukla's corner ..... but in real life. Yeah, I know. Try to process that shit. Total mind-fuck.
  • 8:30 -- Here we catch up with OK Jeff, the Salers, Andrew from Ann Arbor, Kris from Snipe Dangle, and others from earlier. Brent and I plop down to watch the game in Kukla's amazing sports cave, which includes a baby rhino-sized television, as well as the spot where all the magic happens: the Kukla Komputer.
  • 10:30 -- Jimmy Howard is preposterous. I would like for him to also sit on my face.

************


We can't stress enough how much fun we had with this terrific group of people. We thank all of those who said nice things to us and assured us that we aren't douche bags. All the credit goes to the folks who worked their asses off to make this thing go as smoothly and successfully as it did. It's a long list of people.

Lastly, it must be said that Herm is a great kid and is a blast to hang out with. We were talking about how funny it was that the personalities and humor between us translate very easily across the two cultures. It's like we've all known each other in real life for several years.

In fact, that weekend went by too quickly so I'm organizing another meetup this week for all of the same people + everyone else who didn't get to go. Don't worry, it will all be on the Blogger company dime. Just contact Jennyquarx for the details.

(I'm joking. Leave that poor woman alone.)

Go Wings


March 25, 2010

Game #73 -- Red Wings vs. Blues

DETROIT RED WINGS 4 - 2 ST. LOUIS BLUES


The "Finnish Flesh" in his street attire: a barracuda skinned coat and a scarf made entirely of neck ties.


You probably wouldn't believe me if I told you, but the night before Babcock juggled the lines around and Fil ended up on a line with Hank and #44, I was talking to somebody and said "I don't understand why Fil doesn't play on Pav or Hank's wing. He's wasted playing on the 3rd or 4th line." Then, the game following that horrid loss to Calgary, that brain ninja idea theif of a coach put my plan into action and it has been money ever since. The Wings haven't lost in regulation with the new lineup.

The same goes for #44, who doesn't even look bipedal when he's not with Pav or Hank. But that doesn't matter as long as these guys keep producing together. And you know, this all could've turned around a lot faster if Babs would've DROPPED ME AN EMAIL OR SOMETHING. For some reason, he never talks to me when he's talking strategy with McCrimmon and MacLean. It's like I don't even exist to him. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm not one of these fans who think they're actually a part of the game. That's totally not me. I just wish I could get some acknowledgment when I text Babs to not fall into the 1-2-2 when we're holding a late lead. I use all caps and emoticons, I know he's seeing this shit.


Onto the brief recap:
  • This was a tough, physical, playoff-style game from the start, and a whole lot of that physicality came from that guy who used to be Dan Cleary. A lot of us in the Wing-o-sphere (Am I the only one who uses this term? Because it makes me feel like a schmuck. It really does. So does digging for exact change while the drive-thru guy is waiting impatiently. Also, I sneeze really loud, and it's pretty much on purpose. Yet I always do these things. Hold on a second ..... I've been a fucking douche bag this whole time. Well I'm definitely marking this down as an eye-opener) have blasted Cleary for being invisible, even making dumb jokes that start "If you look up 'invisible' in the dictionary..." which doesn't make any sense, because you wouldn't be able to see a fucking picture of him because he's fucking invisible. Jack asses. Christ. Anyway, Cleary played like a horny grizzly bear tonight (angry; a lot of hugging/grinding; ate out a bee hive;) and really showed some sack. What got into him, you might be wondering? Well, between you and me, I think Babcock bit him. Yeah, really. Like right on the asshole. Wouldn't you play angry after that?
  • FSD did their little Bernstein Advantage Scouting Report dealy on Fil. While no other Wings blog got pimped like Nightmare on Helm Street the other day (apparently they either don't take threats such as "...or I'll end his fucking life" seriously, or they really don't care about that much about Trevor Thompson) we were graced with some hilarious inside knowledge of Fil's television watching habits: Friends. Look, I sort of liked Friends, and this is still too perfect. If I were to write some fictional thing -- you know, like 90% of what I write -- in which Fil was watching TV before a game, I would most assuredly say it would be Friends, and then it would be the 50th time that Fil made everybody watch "The one where Ross gels his happy trail" or whatever girly shit he did that week. Seeing this one graphic made the whole game for me. We could've lost 8-0 for all I care.
  • On second thought, a Wings blog nearly did get a plug, right after Datsyuk's breakaway miss in the 3rd. Ken Daniels said "He dangled, but he missed with the snipe," clearly channeling Snipe Snipe, Dangle Dangle. They read this stuff, I'm telling you. Which reminds me of an important note: I'm totally kidding about the Trevor Thompson thing in the last paragraph, FSD/onlooking police investigators/mom.
  • This is the last post before the Brazilian guy gets here, so I want to wish you all a farewell because at least half of us are probably going to die or end up trapped in some abandoned farmhouse outside of Windsor. The Triple Deke in its entirety will be there, so if you're coming down to the Hockeytown Cafe pregame shindig, be sure to mention this ad to one of us and get a free noogie.
In case you have forgotten what we look like, i don't want there to be any surprises.

Tyler / Brent


March 23, 2010

Game #72 -- Red Wings vs. Penguins


DETROIT RED WINGS 3 - 1 PITTSBURGH PENGUINS


The Wings took another huge two points and then nothing interesting happened after the game ended.




  • Malkin's absence certainly helped out the Wings, as Hank and Pav each excelled defensively taking on the Crosby and Staal lines respectively. With those two canceled out, the Wings looked as good as they have at any point in the season, and rarely did the game feel too threatening. Also a plus: I won't go to sleep tonight in fear of Max Talbot slicing open my stomach with a box cutter and eating my intestines. Well, maybe.
  • If I ever produce a child on this Earth, I want Jimmy Howard to be there in the delivery room so he can catch the baby with that wonderful glove of his. Although we'd have to care for the baby after Jimmy fumbled it to the ground, but it's still a nice thought. Then before he leaves I'd want him to inexplicably yell at my wife to stop clearing the puck up the middle.
  • Sergei Gonchar was a minus-2, took two penalties and still has a really big fucking head.
  • Nick Lidstrom was superb. It was an artistically, flawlessly, handsomely crafted performance. (He also makes me use strange words as if I were an off-Broadway play critic.) I giggled like a bitch when he anticipated a Crosby pass to cut off a 2-on-2, and then moments later Hank scored the 3rd goal of the game.
  • (*clears throat*) #44 played a fairly good g............
a good ga.............

he wasn't b......... baaAAAA.................

.... (excuse me for a moment) ....

It's like this ... if hockey were a tree, right? If hockey were a tree, #44 would be .....

he'd be like ............ when the colors -- when they change and shit. And ......

okay let me start over.

Fuck it -- he eats ass. I don't want to do this anymore.


  • Say what you want about Crosby, but you can't say this: You aren't jealous of him. Have you said anything negative about him over the last four years? You're just jealous. Has he ever done something unprovoked to one of your favorite players that you didn't think was cool? You're jealous. Do you not wish that he was on your team instead of a Franzen or a Zetterberg or a Datsyuk? Jealousy. Have you looked at him wrong? Jealous prick. Did you just pay somebody five minutes ago to follow Kyle from Babcock's Death Stare so you can get the jump on good blog ideas and pass them off as your own before he posts them? Well that's just staying one step ahead of the game, son. It's probably a little creepy and disconcerting for our readers to think of me as such a psycho, but eh ....... wait -- the Crosby thing ...... have you ever thought his lips were too big for his face? You're jealous and probably a baby killer.

March 21, 2010

FFFFFFAAAAHAHAHAHA



{UPDATE -- 3/22 12:50AM} .... Hank's buzzer beater was getting lonely. Let's put up another one to give it some company.






*****





Hank fights off a DTD from Christian Ehrhoff behind the net. Ken Daniels vomits into his microphone while Murph scrambles to ask somebody what the hell is going on. 54 shots. Fil with an excellent game. Datsyuk ...... phenomenal. Second night of a back-to-back, both with buzzer beaters during the first weekend of March Madness. 5 out of 6 points in Western Canada. The Pens are next. Nightmare on Helm Street gets a plug on fucking FSD. This season is nuts.

Holy taint.

March 20, 2010

Game #70 -- Red Wings @ Oilers


EDMONTON OILERS 3 - 2 DETROIT RED WINGS (SO)


As the drunken ghost of Wilt Chamberlain once told me when he mistook me for Kate Hudson at a wild Beverly Hills pajama party -- I can give it to you both ways. In this case: perspectives.


There's the optimist's view:




We got a point! We're in 8th! Let us dance around the courtyard and drink from unnecessary, oversized diamond goblets and be gay with one another. Do we have to do that last part, you ask? Yes, we do. Because that's what optimism is. If my grandfather taught me correctly (and you'd have some balls calling Grandpa Deke a liar), then "optimism is so gay." Well, so be it then. If we're going to look at things from a positive perspective and focus on the good and do away with the bad, then we're just gonna have to accept this new lifestyle choice. (Oh, wait a minute -- I'm wrong, it wasn't optimism. Yeah, it was Oppenheimer funds. Definitely Oppenheimer funds. And he didn't say it was "gay" as I recall; he said it was "a trustworthy source for mutual fund managers." Geez, there I go again confusing his sage advice. I apologize.)

Anyway, thank the heavens that Theo Peckham decided to go touch himself in the corner rather than play the puck, leaving it in the zone and allowing Brian Rafalski to save the day. We should cherish this night, when the exhilaration of March Madness buzzer beaters lent itself out to Red Wings fans everywhere. And the long break between games has left us with a game in hand over the Flames.


Then there's the pessimist's view:



On three days of rest and preparation, the Wings gave up a goal less than a minute in. Then they soon gave up another while sporting less defensive coverage than what is seen at an NBA All Star game. They were 0.3 seconds away from taking no points from the worst team in the league. Then they only got one instead of two because they don't win shootouts. It's just not their thing. The loss came at the hands of Devan Dubnyk, who previously held an NHL record of zero wins and 265 losses. Patrick Eaves left the game with an injury, and knowing our luck this season, he will probably need like a neck transplant. The Wings now travel to Vancouver on a grueling back to back, and no team in the leauge has more home wins than the Canucks. P.S: Todd Bertuzzi.

*****

Well, that second part was no fun. I want to be a gay mutual fund investor, take the high road and be happy for the one point we got, and I'll even feel slightly happy for Dubnyk. I am a Detroit Lions fan after all and I shutter at seeing 0's in the left hand columb.


Go Wings. And for one more game at least, Go Green. (Now you say "Go White" back and it's just like college! Hooray! I suck.)

March 16, 2010

Game #69 -- Red Wings @ Flames


DETROIT RED WINGS 2 - 1 CALGARY FLAMES


These two points were bigger than Bob Rouse's balls.




What a win.

A stopped penalty shot, a near flawless double minor kill, a Swedish ass of gold, and three points between us and the Flames.


'Cock quotes:

"I really liked our specialty teams – combine that with Howard save on the penalty shot, that’s what won us the game tonight." Jimmy Howard on the four-minute penalty kill in the third period, “That was spectacular. That was unbelievable. We were taking away the pass from down low to up high, taking away their D, and then once we got it, we didn’t make any mistakes. We got it 200 feet. When they’ve got to come the full length of the ice to set up, it makes for a lot easier penalty kill.”


Quick notes:
  • Typical Datsyuk tonight, picking up goal number 22 and extending the once powerless power play's streak to 10 straight games with a goal. Such a sweet deke before the shot. He also was just about the only Red Wing to not completely vomit all over the faceoff circle. (Hank: 5 out of 18; Helm: 2 out of 9.)
  • Does the Lilja and Lebda pairing really make that much of a difference? The Wings have won 7 of 9 since February 13th, and three in a row for the first time in three months. The blueline has been stable for a slew of games for the first time all year. I'm betting that Big E doesn't sniff the ice again this season barring injury.
  • Babcock praised the line of J-Will, Miller and #44. Miller played one of his best games, but I must have been watching another number 44. I will admit, genuinely, that perhaps I'm either crazy, blind, or consumed by biases, but #44 looked like a turnover machine. He passed up shooting opportunities and was putting the puck in unmanageable spots for his linemates. And before anyone tries to argue with me, saying that I only pick his off nights to do recaps and rip him, just know that he ate a live kitten during the 2nd intermission. You read that correctly. Are you actually going to side with a kitten killer?
  • Jimmy said that on Glencross' penalty shot, it actually helped him that he came in with speed because it didn't leave him time to over-think. I'll also add that it happened so fast that I didn't even have time to wet the couch.
  • John Keating was in studio tonight instead of in Calgary. This is 200 times funnier if you pretend that he's not allowed in Canada for some undisclosed reason.
  • I want Tomas Holmstrom to sit on my face.

Go Wings

March 11, 2010

The Survival Guide to a Detroit-less Stanley Cup Playoffs


MINNESOTA WILD @ DETROIT RED WINGS

7:30 -- Joe Louis Arena

Wild: 31-28-6 (68 points), 12th in West | Wings: 31-23-12 (74 points), 9th in West
____________________________________________________________


As things stand now in the Western Conference, the Wings -- the Detroit Red Wings -- are not in the postseason. They sit in the 9 hole behind the Flames, who are one point ahead.

Tuesday night, the Wings played the Flames. The Wings lost, the Flames leap-frogging them in the process. And people flipped. The fuck. Out.

While we as a fan base have reacted to this up-and-down season with every conceivable human emotion, there is absolutely no telling what could happen to the lot of us should we be on the outside looking in to the playoffs in April. Many Wings fans have either forgotten how to function when such a travesty occurs or are simply too young to have ever experienced it*. Should the unthinkable happen, every member of the Wings nation will appear to society as this guy. Yep. You are correct. I actually referenced that.

* I belong to the latter group, and let me just say, we are such assholes. I mean really, we are like those wretched kids from Super Sweet 16 who get pissed when their parents buy them the wrong colored pony for their birthday party. "BAAAH, the Wings haven't missed the playoffs since I was in preschool!" No fuck, for real? A Leafs fan just overheard you and now your house is burning to the ground. Congratulations.

So is there a contingency plan in place for what to do if they don't make it? Of course not, that's why I have this blog. Below are 5 things to do instead of watching the Wings from April to June.


#1 ~ Check out the other TV programming during the 7:00 time slot

If you're like me, then you are incredibly narcissistic and detail your abs with makeup in the event that your apartment ever has to be evacuated while you're shirtless and the neighbor girls can be impressed with how shredded you are because it will be dark out and they won't be able to tell the difference. Also, you don't watch any TV shows other than sports.

You won't want to watch other hockey teams because it will only make you cry tears of blood, so how about seeing what else is on? I literally haven't watched a real TV show in ages, so this will be quite the adventure. Let me flip open the ol' TV Guide here ..... alright, 7:00 pm, Eastern time. Hmmm, we can watch The Ghost Whisperer? I bet that's a spin-off of The Horse Whisperer, only now the horses are dead and Robert Redford is talking to their ghosts. Count me in for that. In fact, we'll live blog it, and get attached to all the horse ghosts and have stupid nicknames for them that only we will know, like "Legs" and "Posthumous Pete". And what's really telling is that this actually sounds less depressing than the Wings missing the playoffs.


#2 ~ Start a blog

I already have one, so I'll just have to kill myself or something. But for those of you witty typists out there who only float from site to site, now is your chance. Don't start a Wings blog though, that would be fucking stupid. Start a Hartford Whalers blog. Seriously, it would be revolutionary. You'd be the Neil Armstrong of basement-dwellers. Do whatever you can to recover tapes of old Whalers games, and then do game previews and recaps and analyze the team like it's actually still happening. I want to read some ideas for line combinations involving Geoff Sanderson. You can't tell me I'm the only one who would read this.


#3 ~ Reconnect with your spouse / significant other

The Wings have been on three straight long playoff runs. Loosely translated: you haven't talked to your other half since 2006. You have forgotten what they look like, and they are sleeping with somebody else as you read this. They actually filed for divorce during the Finals last year when you weren't looking. You are single right now. You are holding a conversation with your Karen Newman calendar as if she is listening and you are destined to die alone.

So to fix this, go call up that someone and start what people in real life refer to as a "conversation." You use your lips and tongue to form words, which strung together create sentences. If you are fortunate enough to receive a response, you will begin to once again look like a functioning member of civilization. (Note: conversations are meant for human-to-human interaction only. Conversing with lifeless objects, such as a toaster oven or a gym bag, is not a wise practice as it will startle family members and likely end with you in prison.)


#4~ Cocaine

If the whole communication thing isn't for you, try hardcore drugs instead. Cocaine will certainly fill the void in your life where Red Wings hockey used to be, and then some.

Wikipedia tells us that "smoking freebase or crack cocaine is most often accomplished using a pipe made from a small glass tube, often taken from "love roses" small glass tubes with a paper rose that are promoted as romantic gifts. These are sometimes called "stems", "horns", "blasters" and "straight shooters". A small piece of clean heavy copper or occasionally stainless steel scouring pad serves as a reduction base and flow modulator in which the "rock" can be melted and boiled to vapor." It's simple AND educational.

The typical reaction to cocaine is a feeling of euphoria and energy, as it has quite a profound effect on your nervous system. If you don't believe me, just ask personal friend and longtime reader of TTD, Tim Meadows:





While succumbing to cocaine may seem like a giant step for you to take, it really isn't all that different from being a hockey fan. Money that you don't spend on tickets, cable packages and merchandise can all go to the coke fund and your family will resent you for putting them second to your destructive habit. You are also equally likely to bleed for no apparent reason and pass out at your work desk at 1:30 in the afternoon.


# 5 ~ Whore your fanhood out to another team

If you absolutely don't want to do anything else besides watching hockey, this is a last resort. This isn't a permanent switch of course -- just long enough so that your bandwagon stank can jinx the hell out of whatever team you choose and they get knocked out. Let's utilize some process of elimination here on all teams that are at least 12th in their conference:

.... Based on obvious reasons, Pittsburgh, San Jose, St. Louis, Chicago and Colorado are all out. Probably throw Calgary and Nashville in there too.

.... Phoenix is out because my sources tell me Bettman is controlling them with a Playstation controller.

.... No to the Kovalchuk-less Thrashers ......or even the Kovalchuk-y Devils. Can't ever get behind the Devils. It just feels unnatural, like the time I thought it would be clever to shave my legs in order to make a beard. That's what wanting New Jersey to win feels like.

.... The Flyers are an interesting case, because they're almost like a cartoon character. I don't know exactly what that means, but in my head it makes sense. I'd almost pull for them to make it out of the Eas-- oh wait -- Pronger. Yeah. Fuck that. What am I doing.

.... Dallas, New York, Florida, Boston, Vancouver: no.

.... I've never cared for the Ottawa Senators at all.

.... I don't mean to stereotype (actually that's precisely what I'm doing), but just about every single Canadiens fan that plays NHL 10 is a cheating, glitching bag of dicks. And I hate the Canadiens now because of this.

.... I like the Wild, Kings and the Caps. But sitting at #1 at the moment is: the Buffalo Sabres. Always like the scrappy Lindy Ruff bunch. American hero Ryan Miller backstops a mostly likable team, from another former Spartan Tim Kennedy to Detroiter Mike Grier to former Wing great Matt Ellis. I'm also a big Tyler Myers fan, who in addition to sharing a first name and a city of birth with your's truly also has an awkwardly long and skinny neck. In recent years I have fattened up the neck a little bit with the aid of Taco Bell's cheesy gordita crunch, but I still recall playing little league baseball and thinking that the weight of the helmet would snap my feeble neck off of my shoulders.

****

That's it for the list, which by the way is completely moot because the Wings are making the playoffs.