December 31, 2010

Game #38 -- Red Wings vs. Islanders


I posted a recap of Patrick Eaves' hat trick, but deleted it yesterday morning thinking that I had hallucinated that game. Lo and behold it actually happened. So that's my bad Patrick, I'll give you your time now as reader Jay sends desktop-worthy gem:

You did it, Jay. My computer desktop is now your picture and not a candid shot of my mom's cat after crushing a fifth of Grey Goose.

As for this game? Fuck it. I'm mailing the rest of this in and pretending I like things like Ke$ha and Ryan Seacrest for the rest of 2010. Happy New Year gang.

Recap Bullets:

  • The PC way to say a team completely sucks, by Mickey Redmond: "(The Islanders) give up more goals than most every team in the NHL, and they're second worst on the offensive side."
  • The previous two games against the Islanders were 2-0 and 6-0 losses. I remember these things happening, and I remember watching and talking about these things happening, but I don't really believe they happened. Whoa hold on, Curtis Joseph flashback ....
  • During the first TV timeout, Joe Louis Arena honored Chris Osgood's 4ooth victory by giving him a video tribute. How do you honor a guy who is nearing the end of a career spent perpetually fighting for respect? Apparently you make him a video accompanied by a song titled, "Good Riddance".
  • Ken Daniels: "Mike Babcock says Tomas Tatar reminds him of Jiri Hudler." Great, he hates him already.
  • How many times has an icing in the last ten seconds of a period actually bit a team in the ass like that? Every time there's an icing in that scenario you get the ominous "Oh and we have an icing here..." feel to go along with it, but nothing really ever happens, right? Only when we play the Islanders would this happen. A team that we have to practically spot a handicap for in order to make a game competitive. But no, these teams only meet in the Twilight Zone and thus Joey MacDonald can shut us out 2-0 on our ice, we can give up six of the Islanders' season total of like 22 goals, and a lazy icing can actually result in a last-second goal against.
  • (Red Wings power play, Overtime:) I'll update the scoreboard later, but boy it looks like we've got this one wrapped up. Already on a 4-on-3, Mule has his stick slashed in half in broad daylight. Two man advantage coming up. Ballgame. Losing streak to the vaunted Isle coming to an end. Yep, I'm turning the ol' brain off now, not even gonna watch the rest of this. Go Wings!

Have a safe New Year's Eve, people who planned on not partying until they read this at 10:45 PM.

December 28, 2010

Osgood's 400th -- Red Wings @ Avalanche


I've let too many notable games go post-less around here of late and that just can't happen after this one.

Congratulations to longtime reader Chris Osgood on his 400th victory, a well-deserved W made all the sweeter by taking place on rival ice. It wasn't pretty but I will never, ever call a win a bad performance when it's Game 2 of a back-to-back on the road. You take two points under those circumstances and you are absolved from the word "bad", I think. The absences of Datsyuk and Cleary and Rafalski certainly account for the number of shots allowed to a large degree.

Reader Jay sends in this beauty in commemoration of the OT winner:

As usual I'll now make some hollow promise to update more often in the near future. This time we'll aim for after the New Year.

Go Wings.

December 22, 2010

Liveblog -- Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Here it is, the liveblog that none of you asked for and all of you shall receive: the retelling of the greatest Christmas story of all time.

The 1964 claymation classic is surely a movie that you have seen countless times. It's likely that there is a dusty, recorded VHS copy sitting in your basement right now. I implore you to dig it out and watch along with me, and despite how much we like this movie and swear by it's greatness, we will still be forced to make fun of how odd and unintentionally funny it can be . But nevertheless it provides a nostalgic escape to a simpler time and is an annual tradition at TTD Headquarters. Without further ado, I will now press play.

  • We are greeted with black and white images of a ferocious snow storm and swirling newspaper headlines bemoaning the possibility of Christmas being postponed. I really hope Santa's sleigh can handle this weather. I hate it when the snow pushes back Christmas to February 11th, the birth date of Jesus' brother Larry Christ.
  • Our narrator Sam the Snowman waddles in, voiced by Burl Ives. As the only sane person in this movie, he provides a calming voice to put our fears of mammoth blizzards and psychotic snow men to rest. He carries an umbrella, sports a mustache, wears a vest and has a human's name, just like no other snow man ever.
  • Our first glimpse of the Claus household, the only castle at the North Pole, owned by that elitist St. Nick. Mrs. Claus is trying to get her skinny husband fattened up for Christmas Eve, like he's a offensive lineman trying to make weight for football season. "Eat. EAT," she yells. This is the only Christmas movie in the history of the world in which Santa is not fat and jolly. In fact he's the opposite: he's an 85-pound anorexic narcissist. It makes no sense. It's as if the producers were trying to do parents everywhere a favor, by bracing the children for the news of Santa's non-existence. "Well yeah he's not 'real' per se, but who cares, right? Remember the Rudolph movie? He was an asshole anyway."
  • Another oddity about this version of Santa is that he's a freak in the sack. How do I know? He and the missus refer to each other as "Mama" and "Papa". That's fucked up, man.
  • Now we are at the cave of Donner and his wife, Mrs. Donner (So his name is Donner Donner, apparently.) I feel like I should point out that Mrs. Donner is wearing pink eye shadow. She's a reindeer. Here we witness the birth of their son Rudolph, who believe it or not, was born with a strange birth defect that caused his nose to beam a shiny red light. "His beak blinks like a blinkin' beacon!" says Donner, startled. Santa then enters to congratulate the Donners and drop not so vague hints that Rudolph better grow out of that red nose bullshit, otherwise the whole neighborhood is going to call him a fucking retard.
  • Santa, verbatim: "Every year I shine up my jingle bells," then he breaks into a song. "I'm the king of jing-a-ling," he sings. I bet they had fun sneaking that one in there. Afterward, Donner scrapes up some shit off the floor of the cave and covers Rudolph's nose with it, but to no avail. He is deeply ashamed of his son.
  • We cut to Santa's workshop where the elves making toys. We are introduced to Hermey the elf, who absolutely hates making toys. One of the most annoying characters in movie history.... just a whiny, lip-stick wearing sonofabitch that doesn't understand the value of a hard day's work. I'm totally siding with Hermey's boss here, as he's going ape shit trying to get this little turd to do his job. "I don't like to make toys," Hermey says. Someday, I'd like to be a dentist!" The boss is apoplectic. He looks like somebody just told him they broke into his house and shat in his fireplace. Seething with anger, he makes Hermey finish toys instead of going on break with the other elves. Obviously, the elves aren't a part of a union.
  • Back at the cave, Donner has drummed up a way to disguise Rudolph's nose with a black cover-up. Watching this as an adult, it is astounding to see how awful they made Donner seem. The guy is a total dick. This is literally what he says to his only son: "There are things more important things than comfort. Like self respect." It's just a nose for crying out loud! I mean shit, you'd think he's a ginger or something.
  • Rudolph goes to play reindeer games, sadly without Ben Affleck getting involved. He runs into an outgoing new friend. "Hi, my name's Fireball!" The fucker has blonde hair. I myself have blonde hair and even I must admit that this is a bit weird. Shouldn't this guy be the outcast? At least Rudy's defect eventually proves to be practical in the end. Fireball on the other hand is just a dumb jock on the hunt for some doe ass.
  • At the castle, the elves have gathered to sing for Santa Claus. Santa couldn't give less of a shit about this. "Well, let's get this over with." Elves are all happy with their Christmas spirit like you would expect for a Christmas movie, and Santa all the while is bored out of his mind, probably day dreaming about different spots he's going to get laid on Christmas Eve. "Mmm. It needs work. I have to go," Santa says after removing the gun from his mouth. Best part of this scene is the wide shot of everybody just as the song ends, with Santa slouched in his chair, not paying attention and gazing out a window.
  • It's discovered that Hermey wasn't at singing practice, though. The boss elf loses his mind with anger yet again. He finds him in the workshop making toys with teeth, as Hermey tries to combine his toy-making obligations with his aspirations of becoming a dentist. "YOU'LL NEVER FIT IN," the boss shouts. Fed up with everything, Hermey runs away.
  • Back at the Reindeer games, all of the young bucks are learning to fly. Here we meet Rudolph's love interest, Clarice. Fireball, ever the poon hound, urges Rudolph to go talk to her. She tells Rudolph he's cute and he shits his pants, or at least does the reindeer equivalent and flies around for about five seconds. This impresses everybody. Rudolph then celebrates with Fireball in homoerotic fashion by rubbing their antlers together -- but suddenly, Rudolph's fake nose falls off and his red nose is revealed. Fireball reacts like he just saw the Arc of the Covenant. The entire group shuns Rudolph from playing in any more reindeer games.

  • Santa gets wind of this and confronts Rudolph's parents. "Donner, you should be ashamed of yourself." He literally says this. And not to defend that asshole Donner, but it's not like he could have prevented that. Rudolph isn't the lovechild of a reindeer and a house covered in Christmas lights. Furthermore -- could a movie this inexplicably irrational and un-P.C. fly in today's world? No way. I can't see Dora and Diego trying to celebrate Christmas at school and the principal walks in and tells them they have to jump the fence back to Mexico. That's essentially what this is.
  • Rudolph decides to run away. As fate would have it, he and Hermey meet and run away together, ironically so that they can be "independent". Here we see our first peak at the antagonist: the abominable snow monster. I can't believe I watched this shit when I was two years old. I'm 24 right now and I'm more than a little worried that this thing is going to crawl out of the TV like it's The Ring and eat my face off.
  • As Rudolph and Hermey venture through the snow, Yukon Cornelius is introduced. He's a crazy combination of an Eskimo and Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Actual line: "GOLD AND SILVER! SILVER AND GOLD! WAHOOOOO!!" Then he throws his ice pick up the air, let's it land in the snow, and licks it. You can't find two things in any movie ever that are more strange this scene. "I'm off to get corn meal and gun powder and ham hocks and guitar strings." Then the snow monster appears behind them and the three of them are forced to flee.
  • After setting sail on a severed piece of ice, they land on the Island of Misfit Toys. Charlie-in-the-Box greets them and directs them up to see King Moonracer and ask his permission for them to live on the island. As you would imagine, he's a lion with wings and looks just like Scar from the Lion King, only if Scar had 40 more pounds of muscle and didn't do coke. "King Moonracer" is just a bad-ass name, by the way. Definitely the name of my first born, boy or girl.
  • Moonracer tells them that they can't live on the island, but they can stay the night. Rudolph decides that he's putting his friends in danger by being around them, because his nose keeps attracting the snow monster. So he decides to sneak out at night and go it alone. (In the special features, Rudolph reveals that the true reason he abandoned his friends was because Yukon smelled like dead rabbits and spoiled goat milk.)
  • Now grown up, Rudolph returns home to discover his family and Clarice went looking for him. He knows where to find them: the dreaded cave of abominable snow monster. He goes there to save Clarice and the Donners, but he just can't do it on his own.
  • Wouldn't you know it -- Yukon and Hermey arrive just in time to save the reindeer. Hermey lures the monster out of the cave by making pig noises, because as Yukon says, snow monsters prefer pork to deer meat. Brilliant plan. Yukon whacks the monster over the head with a 2x4 and the two of them go tumbling over the cliff, and it appears as though the brave Yukon Cornelius sacrificed his own life to save his friends.
  • The gang makes it back to Santa's castle, grieving the loss of Yukon. But just as children new to this story were being traumatized over such a gruesome death, Yukon busts through the door. Not only is he alive, but he has reformed the snow monster and now everything is fine. Yeah okay. Hermey rips out all of the monster's teeth, Yukon pushes him over the edge and lied to him about a pork dinner, but he's totally cool in front of all these people? Yukon is either a master of hypnosis or he had a killer back of weed.
  • Santa gets the weather report and determines that Christmas has to be canceled. "Christmas is going to be canceled," he says to a dejected room of elves and reindeer. Then Rudolph's nose shines and it gives Santa a crazy idea. "Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?" Oh THE NERVE of this motherfucker. Soon as some shit's about to hit the fan he turns to the reindeer he treated like a failed abortion.
  • Best line of the whole movie: Donner says, "I knew that nose would be usefull someday. I knew all along." Kills me every time I hear that. It kills me to think that there were people who set out to write a movie in which Santa and one of his reindeer were morally corrupt douche bags.
  • Santa, a day later and about 250 pounds heavier magically, sets off to deliver presents. He would die of heart attack the next day. You can't gain that much weight in one day and not die, I'm sorry. It's physically impossible.
  • Christmas had been saved. All of the toys on the misfit island were delivered to boys and girls around the world, and Rudolph's story would be taugh us a valuable lesson of acceptance for generations. He would go down in history.

Merry Christmas

December 20, 2010

Game #32 -- Red Wings vs. Stars.


As I go into my DVR recordings to start the game, I notice for the first time that "NHL Hockey" is rated TV-PG for violence, language and sex. It's a violent game, obviously, and you may occasionally lip read a curse word or two. But the sex part? I have no idea. These are my best guesses:

- The possibility of the referees boning your team over.

- Hooking.

- Any game involving Krys Barch and Brad May.

- The somewhat awkward flexibility of the goaltenders.

- Excessive mentioning of "hot dogs" by Larry Murphy.

- Any game involving Mike Richards and Pierre McGuire's mouth.

- Valterri Filppula.

- J.J.'s right: the faceoff circles do look like boobs.

  • 18:20 -- The best way to start a game is drawing an early penalty and capitalizing on it. To force the other team into a mental error and put them down one, to a good team no less, that's a tough mental hurdle to overcome. Homer was running traffic in front of goal and drew an interference call, then Pavel scores on a fluttering backhander. 1-0 Wings. Actually, I change my mind: scoring three seconds in on a slapshot off the face off would be the best possible way to start a game. And I'm not ruling that shit out until Nick Lidstrom retires. Nine years from now.
  • 9:36 -- Granted I've been thinking of different ways that a hockey broadcast can be seen as sexual for the first half of this period, but I don't think I've seen the Stars get a shot on Ozzie. Wouldn't it be fitting if his 400th win came in a game where he didn't have to do anything and he benefited entirely from the team in front of him? I'm a complete asshole.
  • 7:35 -- The Unscratchable One scores, and it's 2-0 Wings. A perfect post-up from Eaves on Skrastins, he catches a perfect rebound and slams it home. Basketball words.
  • 6:04 -- Datsyuk fails to convert on a very slow pseudo breakaway attempt at the end of a shift. Stars score coming back the other way on a total flung turd of a goal from Brad Richards. Shot it standing flat footed from like 50 feet, it's three feet wide and still manages to get deflected in. This was the "Johnny Depp getting a Golden Globe nod for 'The Tourist'" of goals. 2-1 Wings.
  • 2:03 -- 2-2 game. Trevor Daley had an acre of ice to shoot.
  • 42.5 -- Employee #44 takes a fucktastically stupid penalty in the offensive zone. Jesus Christ, this guy. I think I just shat blood.

  • 20:00 -- Trevor Thompson tells us that the Wings are 8-0-1 when tied after the 1st period. Babcock lights up a cigar and mutters, "I love it when a plan comes together." Speaking of, if the A-Team was made up of Red Wings, Babcock would obviously be Hannibal, Zetterberg would be Face, Hudler would be Murdock, and Franzen would be B.A. Namely because I picture the Mule to be the one keeping Huds in check calling him a "crazy fool" while having an intense fear of flying. And because he's black.
  • 20:00 -- Player Profile: Chris Osgood. "Has a hockey rink in his backyard with an electronic scoreboard". On it, score is not kept but there is a spot where Oz has a countdown to his Hall of Fame induction, as well as a bright neon picture of him crossing through finish line tape with the number "400" stretched across.
  • 20:00 -- And I'm not ever buying that Ozzie's favorite musical act is the Black Eyed Peas. No way. Dude is from Peace River, Alberta -- his favorite musical act is listening to Dark Side of the Moon while lit beyond belief and thinking about eating the contents of his lava lamp.
  • 16:00 -- Am I the only one who doesn't give two shits about Hank's consecutive games with at least two shots streak?
  • 9:16 -- Abby drops the gloves with the well-liked Steve Ott. I'm half hoping that these Abdelkader scraps build up into an actual fight and not just a hug-fest. The other half of me thinks that Abby has a really soft looking head and fears that one punch might turn him into the Elephant Man.
  • 2:19 -- Pretty good action the last few minutes. Draper flying around, Franzen, Helm creating chances. Salei clanks one of the post with some serious ping. Ozzie makes a humongous save on a one timer from the top of the crease. Then:
  • 0:17 -- MULE, 3-2 Wings. Great last five minutes of hockey. This Homer/Pav/Mule line has been really buzzing. Raf with a great touch pass as well.

  • 19:00 -- The action continues as Oz makes a Hall of Fame caliber stop, according to Ken Daniles. Then Pav and Mule nearly team up for another goal on a 2-on-1, but as it seems to be contagious with this team, they elect to pass instead of shoot and end up without a shot on goal.
  • 13:32 -- Lengthy discussion during play of Chris Osgood's Hall of Fame credentials between Ken and Mick. I myself have spent years flip-flopping back and forth between whether I think he is or isn't. I really don't know. I toil with the whole, "If you have to really think about it, then he doesn't belong" sort of thing. Same with retiring numbers. Certainly not something to decide in one bullet point.
  • 11:55 -- And all the while, Oz is capping this off with some spectacular saves. Pretty cool. Great showing so far from the old man.
  • 11:20 -- Ken brings up the legendary Bowman/Crawford spat and mentions that Crawford's retort to Bowman's famous line was just as good. He couldn't repeat it, of course. Ken, I know you read all of these blogs so go ahead and shoot me an email. I won't tell anyone. And they don't just give away these Blogger sites to any schmuck off the streets so you know I'm reliable.
  • 10:55 -- Sellout crowd really getting into now after Helm again nearly nets one on the penalty kill. It is insane how dangerous he is 4-on-5. Every other PK he's generating scoring opportunities and near breakaways. Or drawing penalties.
  • 4:00 -- For 30 seconds there appears to be screaming coming from a child in the crowd. Coincidentally Todd Bertuzzi is not on the ice.
  • 3:14 -- Some "OZ-ZIE" chants, Mick mentions the Wings have to buckle down defensively ..... Tie A god awful turnover from Raf. For some reason, I really can't believe he just did that.

  • 3:26 -- Mike Ribiero makes some shifty moves and draws a penalty. Wings had a 2-0 lead, then a 3-2 lead with three minutes to play, and now might give up two points again at home.
  • 1:23 -- Wings kill it. I was just trying to jinx the Stars there. (I was trying to jinx a team on a DVR recording of a game that was over with seven hours ago.)
  • 0:45 -- Oh god, 3 on 1 for the Stars. They're going to score.
  • 0:41 -- They score. 4-3 Stars. Heartbreaker for Ozzie. What a fucking waste.

Long sigh. Go Wings.

December 9, 2010

Game #26 -- Red Wings vs. Predators


Not two weeks ago I remarked about how this team could play poorly and still win by two or three goals because they're that good. I still think they're that good. This is a rut. The team we saw prior to this week is the norm and will eventually return.

Rest easy, reader, for I have never steered you wrong before. I mean really. Remember that time we all got in my car and went to IHOP at 3:30 in the morning? I steered you around pretty well. We got there in one piece. We sat around for an hour and half waiting for our food, and we enjoyed our cold eggs and the assortment of syrups.

We've got the Habs on Friday, and because it's a Friday it's going to be a liveblog recap. That's just been the routine the last few weeks and I don't want to mess with that.

The real highlight of this game was on Red Wings Live, when John Keating said the words "The Production Line", "Operation Curly Fries" and "Blog site" in one segment. Because he was name droppin' TPL, and it was sweet. I caught it with this expert camerawork:

Between Sports Illustrated and Fox Sports Detroit, I think the Operation has to be deemed a success. Curly Fries has this victory all but sewn up and it's all thanks to your friends at The Production Line.

Real recap Friday, pinky swear.

Go Wings.

December 7, 2010

Game #25 -- Red Wings vs. San Jose


I don't feel like doing this. The only highlights, in order:

Homer has always been a bit of an underrated passer, and that one was sick.

Kronner boomsticks Ryan Clowe. Randy Couture or whoever didn't care for it.

And of course: Mike Babcock, interview with Lindsay Soto: "We're having a cute-fest out there this period."


Go Wings.

December 5, 2010

Game #24 -- Red Wings at Kings


I don't think I would ever outright predict the Wings to lose a game (except for that one time), but at the very least, I spent Saturday afternoon thinking that I would be almost pleasantly surprised to see them pull two points out of L.A. given the Osgoodness and back-to-backness. To get to OT tied at two goals apiece, I was definitely satisfied. I'd take that if you offered it beforehand.

Oz was about as good as any of us could have hoped for, or as good as a fully rested Jim Howard would have been, for that matter. All things considered this is about the least upset I have ever been over a non-preseason loss.

Recap bullets:

  • First five minutes were encouraging in terms of energy level. The foremost thing you're looking for in the second game of a back-to-back is how the guys are moving their feet, how hard going after 50/50 pucks, etc. And the foremost thing you're worried about in a back-to-back with Chris Osgood playing for the first time in over a month is escaping the arena without being covered in napalm.
  • Big response goal from Bertuzzi early in the 2nd period, moments after the Kings had tied the game at 1-1. Bert immediately apologized to the Kings for shooting. (Ken Daniels pulled out his "SNIPED" catchphrase for this goal. Unfortunately, simply putting "Todd Bertuzzi" and "snipe" in the same sentence has made Ken Daniels a fugitive of the FBI.)
  • Jonathan Ericsson is a sky scraper sized plasma-breathing woolly mammoth of hockey fiction. He's more awesome than two monster trucks trying to make a baby.
  • Brad Stuart kills.
  • I love the lady furiously scribbling notes in the T-Pain commercial as he's flinging his sandwich around in that boardroom. " 'Mega ..... giga ...... byte ................. son' ? Or did he mean 'Sun'? Harnessing the Sun's energy, perhaps? My word, that's it: solar computers! Genius -- this man is a genius!"
  • Oz took the rare delay of game penalty for playing the puck outside of the trapezoid. "YOU KIDS WITH YOUR FUCKING .... SHAPES," he shouted.
  • Nick Lidstrom played the biggest role in the Kings game winning goal, trying to force a cross-ice pass in the L.A. end which resulted in a turnover going the other way. This happens maybe once every 86 years.
  • Now here's a stat: FSD shows that Larry Murphy was 1 for 1 in his career on faceoffs, winning his only draw against Florida as a Wing in 2000. "I'll have to look that up later," Murph said. Lord, what I wouldn't give to be looking over his shoulder as he Googles, "LARRY MERPHY + FACE OFF + A PLATE OF CONEYS PLEASE?", before jamming his printer with a hot dog bun.

End of road trip, end of post.

Go Wings.

December 4, 2010

Game #23 -- Red Wings at Ducks


Any time you're doing your all-important 550th "Larry Murphy-commemorated" post, and it's early Saturday morning after work and you're firing up the DVR to recap a game, you have live blog it. It's just the rule. Thus, this is an official TTD DRW LB recap, complemented with PHD, LSD and OPP. I'm lost.

John Keating was down at ice level before the game interviewing the current #55, reminding him that Teemu Selanne bathed his beautiful Salma Hayek-looking face with his own tears a month ago after Kron destroyed him at the Joe, and asked if he thought the Ducks would be head hunting tonight. Kronner just sort of shook it off and said, "If I dies, I dies" and gave Keating a suplex onto the Honda Center ice.

Sorry for ruining Salma Hayek for you, by the way.


20:00 -- Brad Watson is reffing this game. Yeah okay.

20:00 -- Anaheim is wearing their disastrous, disastrous alternate uniforms. All the random orange and stripes .... it's as if it were designed by an actual, for real duck. Who was also blind and retarded. Like they kidnapped a duck, took it down into George Parros' 70s porn cavern, handed it some black cloth and bucket of orange paint and told it to make magic.

19:05 -- Is that ..... a Let's Go Red Wings chant? Definitely a four syllable chant, if you were there I'd love to know. Plus, it was pretty damn loud when:

18:51 -- GOAL ... Mule scores a minute in from a bad angle after a horrible Lubo Visnovsky giveaway. Visnovsky sat behind the net for 10 solid seconds before deciding that being down 1-0 early was the best route to go.

14:55 -- Today is Igor Larionov's 50th birthday. Fifty! I was certainly caught off guard by this. Not only was it not that long ago that he was in the NHL, but also, I never really looked at him as being decrepitly old like I did with Chelios.

13:48 -- Crazy near-goal sequence. Wings win a scrum at the half boards in Anaheim's zone, forcing a turnover. Puck comes in from the point; Helm has a gaping net but a bad angle and hits the post, and Hiller covers before Homer can slam a rebound in.

13:48 -- Mega gigabyte, son.

11:50 -- After years of Vancouver training, Bertuzzi tries the Sedin twins' trademark backdoor pass to Mule. It fails. Bert is sort of a (really really) poor man's "Sedin twin", if you think about it, with the attempts at all of the cute stick handling and puck possession stuff. If we found out that he was actually their long lost older Canadian brother, I wouldn't be so shocked about it. I also wouldn't be shocked to find out that he was raised by a family of Kodiak bears.

4:27 -- Pav high sticks Paul Mara, and apologizes to him as the play is still going on. I have absolutely never seen that in hockey before, not ever. The game was delayed for five minutes as Datsyuk was immediately awarded the 2011 Lady Byng trophy. And then another 15 minutes to explain to each Duck player what the Lady Byng is.


19:20 -- Another shaky start to a period by Anaheim as the Wings nearly score twice. The Ducks were honoring their southern California crowd by showing up as late as they usually do.

14:56 -- A highlight package of the high-scoring George Parros is shown, and then a graphic showing that Parros has the same number of goals (3) as Henrik Sedin. I don't buy this for a second. It's more believable that Parros is actually Gallagher.

13:31 -- Yet again, a deadly Anaheim giveaway in their own end. Helm is ROBBED by the unbeatable glove of Jonas Hiller. It's still 1-0.

11:31 -- Corey Perry is stopped on a breakaway while Lidstrom hustles back to hassle him. Random thought: You know what really annoys me? People who, here in 2010, are still saying it LIND-strom. Oh it's out there, friends. He's been here for two decades and is one of the 10 greatest players of all time. 100% of hockey fans should probably be pronouncing the name correctly.

8:52 -- Tim Allen is shown in the stands. When he's not doing voice-over work for every other commercial, he is now appearing on the programs between the commercials.

5:58 -- BANG, 2-0. Linderstrom heads the puck up the middle to Datsyuk, leaves for Hank who shoots, Homer pounds in the rebound. Corey Perry, who couldn't muscle Homer away from the crease to prevent the goal, cross checks him afterward. The biggest reason that I couldn't be a professional athlete isn't the lack of skill or work ethic -- it's that I couldn't let something like this pass without chopping the guy's head off with my hockey stick.

1:34 -- CLEARY. 3-0. We're closer to goon-it-up territory if this carries through the 3rd period, which is worrisome, but for now let's bask in Dan(ny) Cleary's amazing golden balls. He has to stop scoring eventually, right? This isn't normal.


18:45 -- Big E makes a nice defensive play, as Ken mentions that he's +2 and looking solid tonight. Haters keep hatin'.

17:40 -- Nick takes a puck off the helmet, but he's okay. The puck became 12% more intelligent from coming in contact with his brain.

16:35 -- BIG hit from Brad Stuart, Wings kill another Duck power play. The Ducks are a good power play team at home, but with Selanne out recovering from being in the horrible movie "Grown Ups" they aren't as potent.

14:00 -- The Ducks take their first penalty of the game. This is the latest into a game that they have taken their first penalty since facing Germany in the 1994 Junior Goodwill Games.

11:15 -- If you didn't laugh your ass off when Murph let out a Rick Flair-like "WOOOOOOOOO" at the $1 Hot Dog Night graphic, then we probably wouldn't make very good friends.

10:00 -- Almost hoping Kron doesn't see the ice if it's still 3-0 the later this gets, just in case somebody feels like taking a run at him. We'll know if something is afoot if Parros takes the ice with a giant fruit smashing mallet instead of a stick.

3:32 -- Okay that has to be a "Let's go Red Wings". And that is awesome.

0:30 -- Holy sack, what a pass from Ericsson. Seriously, the dude is back. Fil buries it, 4-0 ... familiar scoreline for these teams.

Ha, didn't see until now that Z popped Perry in the back of the head after he cross checked Homer.


Go Wings.

December 1, 2010


This is bad ass. Production Line:

"For those of you who didn’t see the latest on Das Twitter earlier this afternoon, super sleuth #operationcurlyfries agent @scott_sabo spotted the latest awesome twist in our greased-up campaign. We’re in Sports Illustrated.

No, you that’s not a misprint.

…and no, we’re not talking about SI for Kids, even though that magazine was THE BOMB about 15 years ago."

The Internet wins again. Very cool, fellas.

SI for Kids was wicked awesome though. Somewhere in my old bedroom I still have my Alexi Lalas tear-out poster from that magazine. Which my little sister colored on. That bitch. She colored his epic red goatee blue. Only she did a really shitty job and it just looked like he was frothing blue foam from his mouth like he just devoured an entire Smurph.

But yeah, way to go TPL.

Game #22 -- Red Wings at Sharks


Lacking time for the typical recap, so I'll just state the obvious: This team is the nuts right now.

Don't talk to Sharks fans about it, though. Just ask J.J. Something about class, or .... I don't know. I don't know what that word even means anymore. There's been a drastic inflation of the word 'class' and now I think it somehow stands for less than what it did before. Let's cut out the entire class-to-douche bag measuring tape and come to a universal agreement:

1) Our team is good.

2) Your team is not as good.

3) Mike Modano claiming his favorite musical acts to be Hall and Oates AND Heart is the single greatest "anything" of all time. Funniest thing ever? That's Mike Modano loving Hall & Oates and Heart. Best movie? Modano loving Hall & Oates and Heart. Most influential world leader of the past 50 years? Modano loving Hall & Oates and Heart. It's almost too much, really. I mean FSD asked him what his favorite musical act is -- and he couldn't choose between the two. One or the other would have been great on their own, but he HAD to put both up there. "Ahhhhh, shit .... Heart is extraordinary, but Hall & Oates are just so damn good ..... god dammit ...... this is too tough ..... is their a time limit? Do I have to-- oh screw it, just put both on there." Someday I will stop laughing about this.

Go Wings.