March 22, 2012

The All-New Red Wings "Choose Your Own Adventure" Game

The Wings have had a rough go of it lately, and we the fans have taken it especially hard. It's hard to use perspective during a losing streak in March when all you want to do is flip over cars and yell at everyone.

But here, the game is in your hands. You the reader (with my assistance) choose how the game unfolds and create a hockey experience that is all your own (or mine). Let us begin.

There's a Red Wings game on.

A) Watch it.
B) Watch Iron Man 2.

You chose: A

Are you Mike Babcock?
A) Yes. You just finished a pregame routine that includes staring at a frozen steak until it cooks itself. Now you will go coach a hockey team.
B) No.

You chose: B

Will you be at the game?

A) Yes, I have season tickets.
B) No, I'm unemployed :(
C) Yes, I am an empty seat in section 105.

You chose: A

Way to go, jinx. Wings are down 2-0 less than 10 minutes in.
A) Be angry in silence.
B) Go online and berate others for being angry even though you just chose to see what they're saying.

You chose: A

Two fans were critical of a certain Red Wing.
A) Agree with it.
B) Ignore it.
C) Passive-aggressively summarize the thoughts of two people by saying the entire fanbase is melting down and aren't real fans. Also, light a small dog on fire.
D) Write a passive-aggressive blog.

You chose: D

Red Wings score to make it 2-1.
A) Hudler scores
B) Lidstrom scores
C) Franzen scores, although we'll probably forget about it 10 minutes later.

You chose: C

It's now the 2nd period. Darren Helm is on a breakaway.
A) The shot is saved.
B) The shot is saved.

You flipped a coin and chose: B

Kronwall destroys a guy who had his head down crossing his own blue line.

A) It was a clean hit, whatever that means. Huge Internet debate.
B) It was a dirty hit, whatever that means. Huge Internet debate.
C) Regardless, he pinched in and the result was a 2-on-1 and a goal the other way. Wings are now down 3-1.

Confused, you chose: C

It's the 2nd intermission. Trevor Thompson asks Mike Babcock what's gone wrong so far.
A) Trevor Thompson: 1966-2012
B) Babcock says guys need to raise their "compete level."
C) Babcock says, "I don't know, but I'm gonna burn the tape of these last two periods and spend the 3rd period drinking with Chris Chelios' grandson for his 21st."

You chose: B

Red Wings score on the power play to pull within a goal.
A) Report The Triple Deke for spam.

Okay fine, Wings score an even-strength goal.
A) Cleary scores.
B) Miller scores.

You chose: A, because you enjoy things that are no longer possible

The Wings have out-shot the other team 17-2 in the 3rd so far, and have now pulled the goalie (who may or may not be Jim Bedard at this point).
A) Wings score, game goes to OT.
B) Wings don't score and lose the game because they're facing a goalie who is making his first career start and is also a stack of old phone books.

You chose: A

The Wings score in overtime.
A) Datsyuk scores an unreal goal
B) Bertuzzi scores using a spin-o-rama
C) Doug Janik scores. Choosing this option will cause Earth to turn into a giant tiger uterus and make Darren Pang president of Jupiter.

You chose: A. We win. Too bad this isn't real life and means absolutely nothing. Hooray!


J.J. con Kansas said...

In solidarity, I promise to try only active aggression from this point forward. Screw you [inside joke nickname]

Chris said...

You son of a bitch. That was great

Partha said...

Pang for President! I mean, as long as he doesn't come back from Jupiter, he can have it!

markesimp said...

Glad your back, NOHS and WIIM have been carrying the load for you. I feel like you were injured and are now coming back to help right the ship.