March 2, 2012

Game #65 -- Red Wings vs. Wild


DETROIT RED WINGS 6 - 0 MINNESOTA WILD

With it not being entirely clear how long Nick Lidstrom and Pavel Datsyuk will be out of the lineup, it's important that the Wings dispatch beer league teams like the Blue Jackets and Wild. They have done so impressively in their last two games and as soon as Ken Holland can circumvent the trade deadline and trade our remaining schedule for a schedule that repeats the one of this week, we'll be in the clear.

This one was fun. Here are a few bullets.

  • Kudos to Ken Daniels for calling his 1,000th Wings game. If Ken stays at FSD for a few more years, there's a legitimate chance that he'll reach 1,000 times calling a Red Wing player's 1000th game.
  • Brendan Smith potted his first career NHL goal. And Jeff Hancock JUST had his Brendan Smith jersey dry cleaned this morning, too. Terrible timing.
  • I'm a little disappointed that we live in an age where news breaks on the Internet milliseconds after it happens, but we still have yet to see a picture of Brendan Smith holding his 1st goal puck in his huge horse-like mouth. The only explanation is that the picture was taken by Tomas Holmstrom and that he was using his View-Master camera.
  • Whatever was powering Henrik Zetterberg in this game, I want to bottle it, drink it, then pee it out onto Corey Perry's face. Fuck that guy.
  • I must admit that I feel guilty at least once a day about being the least bit pessimistic about this hockey team. I mean, our two best players are out of the lineup and we're still blowing teams out, and our lowly 3rd line guys star in their own commercials.
  • The following is an excerpt from my upcoming book, Pretending to be a Safari Guide, and Other Things I Think About While on the Toilet:
"02 March - 2012

The scene: The unforgiving jungle of Joe Louis Arena, located on Detroit, Michigan's east side. It is cold and damp. The Minnesota Wild -- a once mighty and revered deity of the National Hockey League between the months of October and November of 2011 -- have sought refuge in a mitten-shaped land. They are seeking shelter from large predators appearing in the form of the second half of an NHL season. They have found themselves face-to-face with the Detroit Red Wings (a robot). We find our victim down 5 points to zero points as the clock ticks down toward the end of the 2nd period. Red Wing person Valtteri Filppula checks Devin Setoguchi (Floppitus Douchemus) of the Minnesota Wild tribe. What we witness next is as rare as seeing the mating dance of the mysterious Bird of Paradise: Floppitus Douchemus abandons four generations of instinct influenced by his ancestors of San Josean culture and remains upright on his bladed boots, fighting his body's urge to slam into the icy surface at Mach 6 velocity. It is a privilege to view an evolutionary occurrence as rare as this in nature as it is happening live. I am constipated with joy. But that could just be the cheese.

/flush/"



The home winning streak is now back on track at one in a row.

Go Wings.

2 comments:

Momojoe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Momojoe said...

Where the FUCK have you been? I was worried SICK. Go to your room young man!!!

(Edited because apparently I cant spell.)