March 14, 2012

Game #70 -- Red Wings at Kings


Man that game sucked. Everybody see Wayne Gretzky in the crowd with his scarf? Look at you in Los Angeles with your Los Angeles scarf, Wayne.

I'm all for wiping our memories clean of the last 3 hours, so just one lonely bullet tonight:

  • The FSD pregame included a segment in which a few Red Wing players shared what NHL rules they would change if they were given the power to do so. Brad Stuart said he would change the icing rules. Ian White said he would take out "that trapezoid thing." He literally said that. Obviously there wasn't enough time for each player to give their take, so I opened my doors so that more players could speak their minds:

Darren Helm: "I'd make it so that goalies don't exist. They take up too much of the net. Without goalies I could probably shoot 10 percent over a whole season. In a good year, mind you. I'm not crazy (laughs), I'm a realist. I'm not a crazy dreamer like that Erin Brockovich."

Jimmy Howard: "I would make a compromise with the NHL. I'd let them keep the trapezoid, but when an opposing player runs me over, I'd be allowed to knock him unconscious and drag him into the corner. And then once I get a good pile of unconscious players going, I could stomp on them with my skates and stuff. I really just want to kill people, man. You ever thought about what it takes to actually kill another person? I think about it every time we play against Ben Eager."

Patrick Eaves: /is asleep/

Johan Franzen: "You know that thing between October and March where we skate around and dry hump each other and I play hockey with a truck and Roberto Luongo is some sort of golden-winged demigod?" Are you talking about the regular season? "Sure, that thing. I think we should have like a field day with sack races and crab soccer to determine the playoff teams, and then just start the playoffs." That's wild. You don't want to earn all that money you signed for that's paid mostly by a few dozen home games worth of revenue? "Huh?" Yeah man, that 45 year contract you signed, a large portion of it comes from tickets that get sold by people expecting to see world class hockey, regardless of what time of the year it is. "Are you a witch?"

Niklas Kronwall: "I kind of wish hockey were more like this. I like the trampolines. I have a jumping reputation, that's the joke with this one."

Nck Ldstrom: "Did you take out the I's like I requested? Good. There's no "I" in Nck Ldstrom. It's a team game. If we skate for 60 minutes and put pucks on net and move our legs, the rules will take care of themselves."

Tomas Holmstrom: "I like teh one game, eh, titty links." Tiddlywinks? "Yes uh huh." And? "I like teh play it. I would half us play that more offen." You don't play that at all during hockey games, currently. "You half'ent seen my ice time lately."

Jiri Hudler: "Ha, boobs."

Pavel Datsyuk: "I want to take cat and dog, and I put little shirts on them. And then I tie little string to their arms, and make some kind of funny dance. I show to Babcook and he laugh hard at his stomach, then I sign agreement that says I will never tell public that he is capable of laughter or he will trade me for a bag of Saskatchewan moose jerky-- oh fuck"


Go Wings.


Lola (bythebay) said...

Jiri Hudler would never take boobs out of hockey. Boobs are his favorite PART of hockey.

I'm beginning to suspect you didn't actually interview these guys.

Triple Deke Staff said...

He said boobs because Holmstrom said titty links. These things happened for real, it's recorded on my Talk Boy FX plus.

Jeff said...

I don't know if it's because I'm sick and loaded up on NyQuil during the day....but I laughed my ass off reading this recap. Thank you, Tyler. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Thank you, Tyler. I needed this today.

Chris said...


Anonymous said...

(squints eyes)... you don't have a talk boy FX plus...