WASHINGTON CAPITALS 4-3 DETROIT RED WINGS
We're pretty much all in the same boat here. Watching as this dumpsterfuck of a race to the finish line tears apart our ability to function on a daily basis and digest solid foods; texting and emailing each other ten thousand different ways to scream "WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF", trying to figure out what it all means. I don't know. Washington had a firm grasp on which contending team had rights to the term "dumpsterfuck", but here I am using it to describe the Detroit Red Wings as I contemplate if there will be enough time for these guys to get healthy and mesh together like they did during a 23 game home winning streak. Which by the way, happened this season. It did not, in fact, happen pre-lockout as I had thought, before Googling it just now.
- This means less than nothing, but before tonight, the Wings had like a 177-0-0-2 Tyler's lifetime record when I made a pregame trek out to the gas station to get a bag of Combos and a Vernors. It always felt so victorious. Tonight, I'm looking at this bag of Buffalo Blue Cheese Pretzel Combos and instead of feeling like I could safely punch a cactus in celebration, I feel as though I've failed my father as a son and aborted like five babies.
- Braden Holtby is some dude I don't know who made his 2nd start of the season for the Capitals. The fact that this wasn't a 1-0 Wings loss with a shooting advantage of 51-17 staggers me to the very core of my soul and caused me to soil a futon. So at least we're less predictable! I want to somersault on shards of glass.
- Darren Helm's out for at least a month. Fuck it.
- I'm not one to tell fans how to behave and think about their own team (I loathe it, in fact), and stretches like this bring about a whoooole lot of preachers. That's why I've hired some guy named Steve to finish this bullet with whatever he wants to say. Remember, this is Steve and totally not me: "If you watched that Tomas Holmstrom goalie interference from the 1st period, took the next 3 hours to calm down and think critically about physics, rules, the question "why are we here?" and why men have nipples, and you still think that was a bullshit call? Let me (Steve) know so that I can kidnap your dog and teach him how to drive your car off a cliff."
- The Wings were within sniffing distance of their worst power play goal drought since the 1996-97 season when Kyle Quincey scored in the 2nd period. This was assisted by a mid-shift trade for 28 year old Brendan Shanahan, and Budd Lynch (who was playing the soundtrack from Godzilla as this goal occurred. He really loved that Puff Daddy/Jimmy Page mash-em-up.)
- The 4th Caps goal. Keith Aucoin blatantly slewfoots his way to open ice in front of the net with and scores what proves to be the game-winning goal. One of the most egregious no-calls I've seen in the last god knows how long. And talk about salt in the wound; usually when the bad guy knocks out the ref and uses the brass knuckles, it's because the good guy was about to win. In this case, the good guy had been beaten to death with 20 chair shots to the head, was thrown through a flaming announce table, was Kyle Quincey, and then got punched in the face with brass knuckles by Alex Ovechkin (who was holding a White Castle burger in his other hand and oh my I'm getting really bitter now.)
- Zetterberg taking a legit holding penalty when we're on the power play and badly needed a tying goal to help end this atrocious losing skid was the exact same thing as walking in on Superman and seeing him shooting up steroids with Hulk and a cackling Jose Canseco.
- According to a commercial I just saw, Taco Bell is still using the "4th Meal" ad gimmick. "1st Diarrhea" just doesn't have the same ring to it.
- If it gets us all to stop sniping at one another, I'll take the heat. Since I started doing these again, the Wings are 1-5-1 and have looked worse (while absorbing a grueling amount of bad luck) than they have in a long, long time.
Go Wings. 2nd Diarrhea.