Game #78 -- Red Wings vs. Predators

NASHVILLE PREDATORS 4-1 DETROIT RED WINGS

Fuck THAT shit.

• I've never seen a person eye-fuck a camera the way that Drew Miller does in this photo. That doesn't look like a guy who probably keeps an assortment of hard candies in an old Ed Sullivan novelty tin, but it is.

• I just want to say: credit to Jonathan Ericsson for desperately trying to keep the backward fitted baseball cap alive. For a guy who often appears to have a hockey IQ on par with this guy and is an allegedly not-retarded hockey player, he certainly has enough brains to know how to appeal to my inner Fred Durst fan (who is a shrunken, shriveled up version of a dead Dion Phaneuf.)
  

• Next game is Sunday, with the major selling point of course being that the new Fox Sports Detroit girl will be revealed during the game. *SPOILER ALERT* The winner will be Karen Newman when she wallops the actual winner with a steel chair and tears out her scalp to wear it as a victory crown.
  

• I chained myself to a couch after destroying my back at work yesterday morning. I'm not seeking pity -- I'm just offering a poor-at-best explanation for why I was watching an hour's worth of NFL Network's "Top 10 nicknames" this afternoon. It made me think, once again, of the "Eurotwins" moniker and how much disdain I have for it. Take off your Red Wings fan hat for a moment (which is tinfoil and molded in the shape of Mike Babcock's testicles) and ask yourself: is there a worse nickname in all of sports? Not only are they not twins, but there's actually a pair of European twins who are teammates in the NHL and are really good. And are they even 100% "Euro"? Datsyuk's from Russia.... that's like, sort of Asian. Not "Jiri Hudler's eyes" sort of Asian -- I mean like it's actually kind of in/around/on the continent of Asia. It's by China and stuff. And even if you wanted to play up the twins thing anyway: Their games aren't that similar; they're just both great hockey players (with one being a level above the other). Pain medication is cool, by the way.
  

• I don' t think this was Babcock's finest hour. That's about as close as I can come to saying something negative about him. I'd sooner fabricate something entirely fictional like "My dad has sex with dead bodies on top of a bunch of other dead bodies" and frame it as truth before saying something really bad about Babcock.
  

• That Rinne save on Zetterberg late in the 2nd period was absolutely insane. Saves like that are the reason I won't even bat an eyelash when the Preds beat us in five games in the first round. (Relax, relax. I'm like 55% sure that I'm joking.)

With a confused sigh: Go Wings.

Winging It Radio, Episode #19

The whole gang is back this week, along with dearest blogpanion, Michael Petrella of TPL fame. In this episode, we go over the Wings/Hurricanes game and talk about Gustav Nyquist a whole bunch.

Listen at WIIM or on iTunes.

Game #75 -- Red Wings vs. Hurricanes

DETROIT RED WINGS 5-4 CAROLINA HURRICANES

Well, it's a good thing I don't start writing these things after the game because I wouldn't know where to start. Couldn't have felt any more optimistic coming into this one with the Hurricanes in the second of a back-to-back after losing last night 5-1 to the Blue Jackets, and even though that should merit getting a team kicked out of the league, the return of Nick Lidstrom and some other guy sealed certain victory.

Until the Wings dug deep enough in the Earth to find a 4-1 deficit. I was not enthused, and in fact very angry. But luckily for us it appeared that the Wings were too, and from that goal on, all of the action was tilted toward Cam Ward. Four unanswered goals and two points later, I'm a bit more enthused. Here's a few bullets.

• Trying to get my pregame snack streak back on track, I went with a Vernor's and a three day-old wheat biscuit. What better way to celebrate the return of Nicklas Lidstrom than eating something that makes me sound 85 years old.

• Confirmation of Nick's return right before the game spread across the Red Wing fanbase like wildfire. And news of Jakub Kindl's return brought about the question, "If a tree falls in the woods, but a wildfire burned down all the trees down beforehand, is this tree a hologram?" You aren't fooling anybody, Jakub Kindl hologram.
  

• "The Red Wings have never lost to the Carolina Hurricanes at home." This is a blatant lie. I will never understand why, with certain stats, you are allowed to overlook playoff stats as if they never happ.... holy shit I just realized something. Using Fox Sports Detroit's crazy amnesia logic, the Wings haven't lost a regulation game at home to Pittsburgh since December 10, 2000. My god, these people are geniuses! With my new-found wizard powers I can see my reflection in the mirror again, eat food without using a straw, and visit the Detroit Zoo without taking the penguin exhibit hostage and forcing the penguins to re-enact the final episode of M*A*S*H*. Before this, I couldn't not do the hostage thing. Like I am in jail right now. Please send me some money.
  

• Carolina assistant coach Dave Lewis was the "Dave Lewis" of Red Wings coaches. Just one man's opinion.

• Henrik Zetterberg scored his second goal of the game late in the 2nd period off the mask of Cam Ward, avoiding a Jiri Hudler high stick. I don't know what this Hunger Games thing is that the kids are all into now, but the thought of Jiri Hudler growing tall enough to take away a Wings goal via a high stick sounds science-fiction-y enough for me to assume that's what it is.

• Gustav Nyquist had a fantastic opportunity for his first NHL goal five minutes into the 3rd period. Frankly, I don't think it's going to ever happen until they get the Derek Meech juice off that #14 jersey.

• No joke: Zetterberg was a horse. Looked like a guy who would rather loose his sack than lose to the Carolina Hurricanes at home.
  

• In this up-and-down game, I have to say the most exciting part was Ken Daniels declaring the Red Wings had won -- with two seconds left on the clock. Between 2 and zero there was a centering pass and a Ty Conklin save (no really). Don't fucking do that, Ken.

Go Wings.

The All-New Red Wings "Choose Your Own Adventure" Game

The Wings have had a rough go of it lately, and we the fans have taken it especially hard. It's hard to use perspective during a losing streak in March when all you want to do is flip over cars and yell at everyone.

But here, the game is in your hands. You the reader (with my assistance) choose how the game unfolds and create a hockey experience that is all your own (or mine). Let us begin.


There's a Red Wings game on.
A) Watch it.
B) Watch Iron Man 2.

You chose: A

Are you Mike Babcock?
A) Yes. You just finished a pregame routine that includes staring at a frozen steak until it cooks itself. Now you will go coach a hockey team.
B) No.

You chose: B

Will you be at the game?
A) Yes, I have season tickets.
B) No, I'm unemployed :(
C) Yes, I am an empty seat in section 105.

You chose: A

Way to go, jinx. Wings are down 2-0 less than 10 minutes in.
A) Be angry in silence.
B) Go online and berate others for being angry even though you just chose to see what they're saying.

You chose: A

Two fans were critical of a certain Red Wing.
A) Agree with it.
B) Ignore it.
C) Passive-aggressively summarize the thoughts of two people by saying the entire fanbase is melting down and aren't real fans. Also, light a small dog on fire.
D) Write a passive-aggressive blog.

You chose: D

Red Wings score to make it 2-1.
A) Hudler scores
B) Lidstrom scores
C) Franzen scores, although we'll probably forget about it 10 minutes later.

You chose: C

It's now the 2nd period. Darren Helm is on a breakaway.
A) The shot is saved.
B) The shot is saved.

You flipped a coin and chose: B

Kronwall destroys a guy who had his head down crossing his own blue line.
A) It was a clean hit, whatever that means. Huge Internet debate.
B) It was a dirty hit, whatever that means. Huge Internet debate.
C) Regardless, he pinched in and the result was a 2-on-1 and a goal the other way. Wings are now down 3-1.

Confused, you chose: C

It's the 2nd intermission. Trevor Thompson asks Mike Babcock what's gone wrong so far.
A) Trevor Thompson: 1966-2012
B) Babcock says guys need to raise their "compete level."
C) Babcock says, "I don't know, but I'm gonna burn the tape of these last two periods and spend the 3rd period drinking with Chris Chelios' grandson for his 21st."

You chose: B

Red Wings score on the power play to pull within a goal.
A) Report The Triple Deke for spam.

Okay fine, Wings score an even-strength goal.
A) Cleary scores.
B) Miller scores.

You chose: A, because you enjoy things that are no longer possible

The Wings have out-shot the other team 17-2 in the 3rd so far, and have now pulled the goalie (who may or may not be Jim Bedard at this point).
A) Wings score, game goes to OT.
B) Wings don't score and lose the game because they're facing a goalie who is making his first career start and is also a stack of old phone books.

You chose: A

The Wings score in overtime.
A) Datsyuk scores an unreal goal
B) Bertuzzi scores using a spin-o-rama
C) Doug Janik scores. Choosing this option will cause Earth to turn into a giant tiger uterus and make Darren Pang president of Jupiter.

You chose: A. We win. Too bad this isn't real life and means absolutely nothing. Hooray!

Game #73 -- Red Wings vs. Capitals

WASHINGTON CAPITALS 4-3 DETROIT RED WINGS

We're pretty much all in the same boat here. Watching as this dumpsterfuck of a race to the finish line tears apart our ability to function on a daily basis and digest solid foods; texting and emailing each other ten thousand different ways to scream "WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF", trying to figure out what it all means. I don't know. Washington had a firm grasp on which contending team had rights to the term "dumpsterfuck", but here I am using it to describe the Detroit Red Wings as I contemplate if there will be enough time for these guys to get healthy and mesh together like they did during a 23 game home winning streak. Which by the way, happened this season. It did not, in fact, happen pre-lockout as I had thought, before Googling it just now.

• This means less than nothing, but before tonight, the Wings had like a 177-0-0-2 Tyler's lifetime record when I made a pregame trek out to the gas station to get a bag of Combos and a Vernors. It always felt so victorious. Tonight, I'm looking at this bag of Buffalo Blue Cheese Pretzel Combos and instead of feeling like I could safely punch a cactus in celebration, I feel as though I've failed my father as a son and aborted like five babies.
  

• Braden Holtby is some dude I don't know who made his 2nd start of the season for the Capitals. The fact that this wasn't a 1-0 Wings loss with a shooting advantage of 51-17 staggers me to the very core of my soul and caused me to soil a futon. So at least we're less predictable! I want to somersault on shards of glass.
  

• Darren Helm's out for at least a month. Fuck it.
  
  
  
  

• I'm not one to tell fans how to behave and think about their own team (I loathe it, in fact), and stretches like this bring about a whoooole lot of preachers. That's why I've hired some guy named Steve to finish this bullet with whatever he wants to say. Remember, this is Steve and totally not me: "If you watched that Tomas Holmstrom goalie interference from the 1st period, took the next 3 hours to calm down and think critically about physics, rules, the question "why are we here?" and why men have nipples, and you still think that was a bullshit call? Let me (Steve) know so that I can kidnap your dog and teach him how to drive your car off a cliff."
  

• The Wings were within sniffing distance of their worst power play goal drought since the 1996-97 season when Kyle Quincey scored in the 2nd period. This was assisted by a mid-shift trade for 28 year old Brendan Shanahan, and Budd Lynch (who was playing the soundtrack from Godzilla as this goal occurred. He really loved that Puff Daddy/Jimmy Page mash-em-up.)
  

• The 4th Caps goal. Keith Aucoin blatantly slewfoots his way to open ice in front of the net with and scores what proves to be the game-winning goal. One of the most egregious no-calls I've seen in the last god knows how long. And talk about salt in the wound; usually when the bad guy knocks out the ref and uses the brass knuckles, it's because the good guy was about to win. In this case, the good guy had been beaten to death with 20 chair shots to the head, was thrown through a flaming announce table, was Kyle Quincey, and then got punched in the face with brass knuckles by Alex Ovechkin (who was holding a White Castle burger in his other hand and oh my I'm getting really bitter now.)

• Zetterberg taking a legit holding penalty when we're on the power play and badly needed a tying goal to help end this atrocious losing skid was the exact same thing as walking in on Superman and seeing him shooting up steroids with Hulk and a cackling Jose Canseco.

• According to a commercial I just saw, Taco Bell is still using the "4th Meal" ad gimmick. "1st Diarrhea" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

• If it gets us all to stop sniping at one another, I'll take the heat. Since I started doing these again, the Wings are 1-5-1 and have looked worse (while absorbing a grueling amount of bad luck) than they have in a long, long time.
  

Go Wings. 2nd Diarrhea.

Winging It Radio, Episode 18

Graham is out in Vegas this week teaching his kids never to split 10s at the blackjack table unless the dealer is showing like a 5 and they're feeling frisky enough for a double down (I don't even know if these words make sense, I'm just throwing out Vegasy-sounding terms). So this time I join Jeff and J.J., our good buddy to the north, Marlon, and Winging it in Motown resident, Eurocap (Human name: Peter). Peter talks about his part with the Shawn Burr Foundation as well as Saturday's charity hockey game against the Red Wings Alumni. Be sure to check out ShawnBurrFoundation.org for more information if you don't know about the work being done there already.

As always, listen to the show at WIIM or put it on your iThing.

Game #71 -- Red Wings at Ducks

ANAHEIM DUCKS 4-0 DETROIT RED WINGS

There is little to say about this game that hasn't already been said about the dangers of bestiality. A few thoughts:

• Rod Pelley is a forward for the Anaheim Ducks and is an Ohio State alum. Or as I like to call it, Poop with Poop Sprinkles.
  

• I'm extremely close to embarking on a life-altering journey into the Swiss Alps where I eat nothing but mountain goat carcass and refuse to emerge until I complete my autobiography titled, The Center Ice Official Made a Penalty Call Instead of the Guy Standing Two Feet Away: Tales of Why I Lit a Whole Bunch of Stuff on Fire and then Fled to the Swiss Alps to Avoid Prison.

• Corey Perry recently had his 272 consecutive game streak come to an end after injuring his shoulder against the Stars. That's not a very impressive streak to me. I would expect a guy to play 272 straight games when he's made out of Satan penis.
  

• Through the 1st half of the game the lone highlight was getting to hear Nick Lidstrom talk in the booth for about five minutes. As soon as he left, the Ducks scored the first goal of the game and then began to pile it on in the 2nd period. I'm not normally one to believe in jinxes, but this time I think that Nick leaving the booth and failing to immediately get healthy and jump onto the ice to play defense had something to do with all of those goals.

• Sidney Crosby was a +1 with 4 shots in his return to every NHL game tonight.
  

• I was alarmed when about halfway through the 2nd a graphic popped up showing the mighty Red Wings had amassed one single shot on goal, in a tie game no less. This just proves the old hockey saying about the neutral zone, "Bruce Boudreau can figure out how to clog up anything, given enough time and Egg McMuffins."

I don't even. Go Wings.

Game #70 -- Red Wings at Kings

LOS ANGELES KINGS 5-2 DETROIT RED WINGS

Man that game sucked. Everybody see Wayne Gretzky in the crowd with his scarf? Look at you in Los Angeles with your Los Angeles scarf, Wayne.

I'm all for wiping our memories clean of the last 3 hours, so just one lonely bullet tonight:

• The FSD pregame included a segment in which a few Red Wing players shared what NHL rules they would change if they were given the power to do so. Brad Stuart said he would change the icing rules. Ian White said he would take out "that trapezoid thing." He literally said that. Obviously there wasn't enough time for each player to give their take, so I opened my doors so that more players could speak their minds:

Darren Helm: "I'd make it so that goalies don't exist. They take up too much of the net. Without goalies I could probably shoot 10 percent over a whole season. In a good year, mind you. I'm not crazy (laughs), I'm a realist. I'm not a crazy dreamer like that Erin Brockovich."

Jimmy Howard: "I would make a compromise with the NHL. I'd let them keep the trapezoid, but when an opposing player runs me over, I'd be allowed to knock him unconscious and drag him into the corner. And then once I get a good pile of unconscious players going, I could stomp on them with my skates and stuff. I really just want to kill people, man. You ever thought about what it takes to actually kill another person? I think about it every time we play against Ben Eager."

Patrick Eaves: /is asleep/

Johan Franzen: "You know that thing between October and March where we skate around and dry hump each other and I play hockey with a truck and Roberto Luongo is some sort of golden-winged demigod?" Are you talking about the regular season? "Sure, that thing. I think we should have like a field day with sack races and crab soccer to determine the playoff teams, and then just start the playoffs." That's wild. You don't want to earn all that money you signed for that's paid mostly by a few dozen home games worth of revenue? "Huh?" Yeah man, that 45 year contract you signed, a large portion of it comes from tickets that get sold by people expecting to see world class hockey, regardless of what time of the year it is. "Are you a witch?"

Niklas Kronwall: "I kind of wish hockey were more like this. I like the trampolines. I have a jumping reputation, that's the joke with this one."

Nck Ldstrom: "Did you take out the I's like I requested? Good. There's no "I" in Nck Ldstrom. It's a team game. If we skate for 60 minutes and put pucks on net and move our legs, the rules will take care of themselves."

Tomas Holmstrom: "I like teh one game, eh, titty links." Tiddlywinks? "Yes uh huh." And? "I like teh play it. I would half us play that more offen." You don't play that at all during hockey games, currently. "You half'ent seen my ice time lately."

Jiri Hudler: "Ha, boobs."

Pavel Datsyuk: "I want to take cat and dog, and I put little shirts on them. And then I tie little string to their arms, and make some kind of funny dance. I show to Babcook and he laugh hard at his stomach, then I sign agreement that says I will never tell public that he is capable of laughter or he will trade me for a bag of Saskatchewan moose jerky-- oh fuck"

Ty Conklin: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

Go Wings.

Winging It Radio, Episode 17

If you're tired of not listening to things today, listen to the guys at WIIM Radio as they talk about the things in this blurb that I just copy-and-pasted from their site:

"Myself, Graham and J.J. look back at the week that was and look forward to what lies on the road ahead to the playoffs. We also touch on the Radulov/Predators situation, whether the GMs should vote to bring back the red line and change the overtime format, and look back on the Kronwalling of Jakub Voracek."

You can also download it on iTunes. There's a good chance that this week's episode is a good one because I'm not on it. Enjoy.

Game #69 (ha) Red Wings at Predators

NASHVILLE PREDATORS 3 - 2 DETROIT RED WINGS

After a gutsy effort last night against the Los Angeles Kings that featured a thrilling 3rd period comeback, The Wings fell a goal short against the Preds. I don't want to whine too much over something as uncontrollable as guys getting hurt, but I also want to buffer my campaign to be the next Captain Obvious by decreeing I yearn for a day where we see more Pavel Datsyuk and Nick Lidstrom and less Doug Janik (he of "Doug Janik" fame).

A few bullets:

• I know you were all waiting for my annual Daylight Savings prank, but it'll have to be put on hiatus until next year. With the clocks moving an hour forward tonight at 2:00 AM, I thought of a prank to set the post time of this recap for 2:01 AM, thus tearing a whole in the universe and unleashing an army of Mark-Paul Gosselaar clones sent to Earth to pop every un-popped polo collar and eat our brains. But, sensing something was awry in the space-time continuum, Mr. Belding appeared in my living room and told me to undo it or he would make me watch every episode of Franklin & Bash until I pooped myself from crying too hard.
  

• John Keating: "The Red Wings have the alphabet covered pretty much from A to Z; from Abdelkader .... (requisite Keating Pause for Dramatic Effect ™) .... to Zetterberg." SO CLOSE, Chief. One day A2Y will get the plug it deserves and you might actually get a couple of readers.

• Tomas Holmstrom took an early penalty in the 1st period. The Wings killed it off and upon Homer returning to action you may have heard Ken Daniels say, "And Holmstrom escapes the penalty box," and thought of it as a semi-cheeky turn of phrase. What you don't know is that Tomas Holmstrom actually thinks the penalty box works like the trash compactor from Star Wars, and if he ever has to serve a 5 minute major, you will know why he whittled his stick into a spear, impaled the timekeeper, climbed over the glass and ran over an entire section of fans.

• Pekka Rinne tries to make every save with his glove. If I were an opposing coach, I'd tell my guys to fire every shot at his five hole, if only to create the chance that Rinne might accidentally punch himself in the dick.

• The "Belle Tire Powerplay"? More like the Firestone Tire Powerplay, am-i-rite??? (I wrote that joke back in August, 2000 and have been waiting for the right time to use it ever since.)

• While trying to kill a 5-on-3 in the 3rd period, Joey MacDonald saved a Shea Weber one-timer bomb with his stomach and momentarily looked like he wanted to die. It was at this point that I made the decision that if I'm ever on a game show and the options for the Physical Challenge segment are "Block a Shea Weber slap shot" or a vague, mysterious category simply titled "Prison Things", I'm saying fuck it and going with Option B.
  

Go time travel. Go Wings.

Game #66 -- Red Wings vs. Blackhawks

CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS 2 - 1 DETROIT RED WINGS

This was a hellacious afternoon to be both a Red Wings fan and a Michigan State hoops fan. I know what you're thinking -- who gives a shit about what affects nine random people you don't know.

Here's a few bullets mildly related to the hockey game.

• Regarding Brendan Smith: Has there ever been a hockey player named Smith that has ever not been saddled with the nickname "Smitty" dating back to the beginning of time? Hell we can even go Land Before Time if it helps us find one. (It's entirely possible that Little Foot's last name was Smith, it's common. Little Foot was a bitch by the way.) This really isn't anyone's problem but mine, but my disdain for the nickname is two fold: One, when I was a kid, my friend had a dog named Smitty and he humped my leg all the time. One time my knee was swollen from falling on it or whatever, but weeks after a severe humping attack the swelling had not gone away and I was convinced that puppies had been conceived in my knee. And secondly, that dog farted one time and it smelled so bad that I threw up. That's a true story. So whenever I read or hear someone calling Brendan Smith "Smitty", I throw up instantly and assume that I have morning sickness because my knee is pregnant with dog babies.

• During the 1st period I remembered that I have WGN Chicago. For no real reason at all, I flipped the game from FSD to WGN to see if they were also broadcasting the game. They were not. What I saw instead was Helen Hunt taking off her shirt. I'm telling you this because if you ever meet me in real life and I start stabbing you in the neck with a pen while blood shoots from my eyes, it's because I'm having a Helen Hunt flashback.

• Anyone else on board with me to pull a Bosom Buddies-like trick on the people trying to find the next Fox Sports Detroit Girl? I have a vision where I make the final round of girls; during the questionnaire segment -- which for the purposes of this dream I'm imagining to look exactly like the trivia scene from Billy Madison -- I will answer the first question by pulling my wig off and screaming at the other contestants, "NONE OF YOU KNOW WHO JAMIE BAKER IS OR WHAT HE DID TO MY CHILDHOOD! NONE OF YOU!" And then Steve Buscemi shoots Mickey York.

• But really, I think I just want to dress up like a woman.
  

• Jakub Kindl, Jimmy Howard, and probably another 3 or 4 guys who they're just not mentioning so that we don't go batshit fucking insane, were dinged up throughout the course of this game. Jimmy, of course, being the primary concern, I tried to read his lips on the bench to determine any details of his mysterious injury. I've re-watched it 16 times and I can safely say that he said, ".............. (.........) .............................. /chewing gum/......................... ......... fucking........... ......." It appears to be dick-related.

• Dana Wakiji tweeted, "Lidstrom on injuries: 'It's like a war hospital down there.' (in Wings dressing room)". War hospital. Encouraging! Nick could've said "It's like a circle of hot gay pig sex in that dressing room" and I would've felt better. Because I'm not a homophobe and if they're all healthy enough to play hockey, that's more important to me than them being honest with their families about their sexuality. Plus, if they win the Cup, the ensuing parade could celebrate two causes.

• The "aLOL Tweet Of The Night Presented By Amway", by @Flapjack_McZap: "Patrick Kane zee ockey playur? No assface, Patrick Kane the scientist."

Go what's left of the Wings.

Game #65 -- Red Wings vs. Wild

DETROIT RED WINGS 6 - 0 MINNESOTA WILD

With it not being entirely clear how long Nick Lidstrom and Pavel Datsyuk will be out of the lineup, it's important that the Wings dispatch beer league teams like the Blue Jackets and Wild. They have done so impressively in their last two games and as soon as Ken Holland can circumvent the trade deadline and trade our remaining schedule for a schedule that repeats the one of this week, we'll be in the clear.

This one was fun. Here are a few bullets.

• Kudos to Ken Daniels for calling his 1,000th Wings game. If Ken stays at FSD for a few more years, there's a legitimate chance that he'll reach 1,000 times calling a Red Wing player's 1000th game.
  

• Brendan Smith potted his first career NHL goal. And Jeff Hancock JUST had his Brendan Smith jersey dry cleaned this morning, too. Terrible timing.

• I'm a little disappointed that we live in an age where news breaks on the Internet milliseconds after it happens, but we still have yet to see a picture of Brendan Smith holding his 1st goal puck in his huge horse-like mouth. The only explanation is that the picture was taken by Tomas Holmstrom and that he was using his View-Master camera.
  

• Whatever was powering Henrik Zetterberg in this game, I want to bottle it, drink it, then pee it out onto Corey Perry's face. Fuck that guy.

• I must admit that I feel guilty at least once a day about being the least bit pessimistic about this hockey team. I mean, our two best players are out of the lineup and we're still blowing teams out, and our lowly 3rd line guys star in their own commercials.
  

• The following is an excerpt from my upcoming book, Pretending to be a Safari Guide, and Other Things I Think About While on the Toilet:
  

"02 March - 2012

The scene: The unforgiving jungle of Joe Louis Arena, located on Detroit, Michigan's east side. It is cold and damp. The Minnesota Wild -- a once mighty and revered deity of the National Hockey League between the months of October and November of 2011 -- have sought refuge in a mitten-shaped land. They are seeking shelter from large predators appearing in the form of the second half of an NHL season. They have found themselves face-to-face with the Detroit Red Wings (a robot). We find our victim down 5 points to zero points as the clock ticks down toward the end of the 2nd period. Red Wing person Valtteri Filppula checks Devin Setoguchi (Floppitus Douchemus) of the Minnesota Wild tribe. What we witness next is as rare as seeing the mating dance of the mysterious Bird of Paradise: Floppitus Douchemus abandons four generations of instinct influenced by his ancestors of San Josean culture and remains upright on his bladed boots, fighting his body's urge to slam into the icy surface at Mach 6 velocity. It is a privilege to view an evolutionary occurrence as rare as this in nature as it is happening live. I am constipated with joy. But that could just be the cheese.

/flush/"

The home winning streak is now back on track at one in a row.

Go Wings.