January 18, 2013

Pointless Predictions for the 2012-2013 Season

2 comments:

While the infrequency of my hockey writing has approached latter day Albom levels, you always make time for the annual prediction post.  It's a rule, like icing and Tuesdays.  I don't even think I did one of these last year so you know what that makes me?  A rule-breaker.  Yeah, a real rebel.  Girl let's jump on my Harley and motor through some words.

Vroom vroom!  Aw Christ.  Here are some predictions on some arbitrarily selected people for the 2013 season:


PATRICK EAVES

Patrick Eaves, or "Hat Trick Eaves" as I like to call him because he is a hockey player and I'm one of those rhymin' rappers, will never play hockey again :(   Sorry that's just my prediction. 

/phone rings/ "Whaddup we're on phonez, this technology shit is crazy!" (That's how I answer the phone.)

"Hi Trevor it's Ans-"

"Tyler"

"Sorry hi Tyler it's your friend Ansar Khan, look at what I wrote this morning: 'The long wait is finally over for Detroit Red Wings forward Patrick Eaves, who has been cleared to play as the team gets set for the season opener Saturday in St. Louis.'"

"Wow, you just have all the Ansars, don't you, Khan."

"You mother fucker."


CARLO COLLYOCKAVO

Yep that's how I'm spelling it for however long he's here, so deal with it.  I might even change it up from time to time, I don't give a hell.  But I ain't looking it up I can tell you that.  You know what my last name is?  Some of you do but in case you don't it is Devereaux.  Do you know how many times I've had to strain myself spelling my own name over the phone all these years?  I bet it's like 350 at least.  So I know a thing or two about being an asshole for having a difficult last name.  Do I make a big deal if someone spells it Deveroh?  No, and in fact I respect some of those people the most because they're brazen and bold.  So yeah anyway I predict that last names are dumb.


IAN WHITE

After being a journeyman at the center of about 18 trades, he was rewarded with playing a full season as Nick Lidstrom's defense partner.  That was probably really cool for him because it made him look better than he actually is.  Carlo Cornfellow experienced the same type of deal in St. Louis playing alongside Alex Pietrangelo.  So I think the clear answer is to pair these two together.  Then they'll get so frustrated that they'll start trying to top one another with practical jokes that will escalate to the point where Babcock has to force Lidstrom out of retirement at gunpoint and we'll all rejoice in his return.  That is my prediction for Ian White's season.


VALTTERI FILPPULA

Fil is coming off of a monster year in which he blew away his previous career bests in all major offensive categories.  His 2013 season will play out in one of three ways:  He will regress back closer to his previous career averages; he will be so confident with his breakthrough that he continues at this new pace for a few more years; or he will break his leg in the 3rd game of the season.  Isn't that awful of me to say?  Did you cringe at all?  Man, what a terrible thought.  I mean what I write has literally no effect on Fil's upcoming season -- none at all.  My words are powerless.  So don't freak out but yeah he's going to break his leg.


JORDIN TOOTOO

I predict that he looks like the result of a failed Paul Kariya cloning experiment where they used too much 5 Hour Energy and bleach.


JIMMY HOWARD

James had a really good rookie season, followed by a meh sophomore season, followed by a really good 3rd season.  So given that this is obviously a pattern, and given that he will be playing behind a much ass-y-er group of defensemen this year, he is due for a very meh performance.  A Jimmeh performance, that is!  He'll be great!  Ha I tricked you.


JIRI HUDLER

Jiri plays in Calgary now and that is sad.  A lot of you hate him because he's not the greatest hockey player and you hate fun things but I am telling you, you are going to miss this guy.  He was always good for like 15 unexpected laughs throughout the season that just brightened your little heart and we just might need that this year.  Yeah his salary is ridiculous, but he's not the first guy to get paid a lot to not really do a whole bunch other than wobble around and shoot hockey pucks.  I predict that Hudler is such a failure in Calgary that they buy him out, he comes crawling on his hands and knees to Ken Holland, and we get what we all truly wanted whether you want to admit it or not:  a 3rd Jiri Hudler Era.  I'm completely naked right now by the way.


JOHAN FRANZEN

Dude will just be wandering around aimlessly for 5 months with a broom in his hand with that nagging feeling that he's forgetting something.


MIKE BABCOCK

With the Wings struggling to adjust to post-Lidstrom hockey, Babcock will remain as stubborn as ever and really make no tactical adjustments at all and continue to play the Wings in a faulty system that sees us just miss the playo-whoa holy shit wait this sounds all too possible forget everything and abort


DAMIEN BRUNNER

I tweeted that he looks like a grown-up Doug Funny.  I also once said that Kyle Quincey looks like a grown-up Chalky Studebaker.  I think this means that I am suffering from a type of condition where I want the Red Wings to do some Doug LARP-ing in my living room while I watch in the corner.  This would be a very specific and odd condition.  Also, Jordin Tootoo is Porkchop.


DREW MILLER

I was watching Drew Miller during the national anthem at the Red & White game and I thought his hair looked like way greyer than last year.  I think we're about 10 months away from Miller dying of old age and then it will be discovered that he had that Robin Williams from Jack thing.  Ryan Miller will then be quoted as saying, "This is a fucking waste of time, why are we talking about this?  I am edgy and swear in interviews."

(NOTE:  I was so certain that I had already made the Drew Miller/Jack joke that I did this. With the quotes and plus signs and everything.  In fact, I'm still pretty sure that I did.)


THE DETROIT RED WINGS

Our beloved Wings will make the playoffs as a bottom-4 seed and lose in the first round.  This is a strange thing for me to type because, in my 20 or so years of watching hockey, I have always thought my team was going to win the Stanley Cup.  You know what's cool though?  I am always wrong.  If you don't believe me, just ask my wife /GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAN/


FINALS PREDICTION

The weirdness of the half season's compressed action will remedy any Cup hangover for the really good L.A. Kings and they'll go back-to-back over the Pittsburgh Penguins in 7 games.  I feel very safe in knowing that even before I put the period at the end of this sentence, another hockey-watcher will have made this exact same prediction.  Everyone is picking some combination of Kings/Canucks/Hawks and Penguins/Bruins despite hockey being a very luck-driven sport that is impossible to predict and always produces off-the-wall results.  Such as:  the Red Wings winning the Cup this year!  Yeah!  Fuck it my new prediction is Detroit over the Islanders.


Go Wings

January 17, 2013

TTD Reports From Training Camp

1 comment:

We shot a special news report for Winging It In Motown documenting the Red & White game Tuesday night.  Go there to watch it and we can all be friends.



Go Wings

January 6, 2013

Hockey's Back

5 comments:

Hooray! Sort of!

It is cool that top flight professional hockey will be played in North America this season, yes, but I will not go nuts over its belated return.  We lost a Winter Classic and thus the opportunity to watch the Wings lose to the Leafs on national television, we lost three months of Pavel Datsyuk, and the league will be empowered to do this all over again when we keep watching these games because that's how this whole thing works and it's shitty.

But a lot of cool people get to go back to work, and not just the ones on the ice, so that's a good thing.  It will be cool to do the Winging It podcast again and not talk about lockout things.  And jokin' around with all of you clowns again is going to be great.

Now, a reminder of five things that actually happened in case you forgot:


1) JORDIN TOOTOO IS ACTUALLY A RED WING

This may not be true.  If I cover my eyes every time the camera is on him and I don't acknowledge it with my thinking brain and stuff then maybe he'll like go away.


2) MIKAEL SAMUELSSON IS ACTUALLY A RED WING AGAIN

I am still laughing about this.  I love it.  You probably hate it and I love that you hate it.  Hi Jeff.


3) THE DETROIT RED WINGS MIGHT ACTUALLY NOT BE THAT GOOD

We'll see.  The Wings lost in five games in the first round of the playoffs last year and then got worse over the summer.  But with a weird ass schedule and a bunch of new CBA details that I haven't cared to look over that will probably alter a number of teams, who knows how things will shake out.  There is no result to this season that would surprise me.


4) OUR TOP DEFENSIVE PAIR IS ACTUALLY NIKLAS KRONWALL AND IAN WHITE

Christ.


5)  NICK LIDSTROM ACTUALLY RETIRED

why



And so we drop the puck (LOL) on the 6th season of The Triple Deke, which is a website still.  Let's have fun, friends.

Go Wings.